First (and probably) Only Love Lost:(

Hello:)
Hope the length of this won't scare anyone off.. :/ but I'll get straight to the point;

I have never ever been in love, before now..
At an age of 19 as I am now, I thought that such things as love would never happen to me, because it came so late. But when it did come, it hurt.

I was best friends with a boy at boarding school, and we both were in a circle of friends. He fell madly in love with another of my friends in the beginning, and the two of them were together 24/7... I hardly saw him then. But after a while she started ignoring him, shouting at him, wanting him to leave her alone, she is a very changeable and restless type. Naturally, he was devastated, so he sought comfort with me, wanted to talk about his feelings to me, as I was the only one who listened. Him and me were similiar in that we were always the most stable, calm and diplomatic of the friends circle, so we always respected and had high regards for each other.

Then the weeks passed. He started liking me more and more.. (it is first now, when it is over, that I realize how long he had liked me before he even dared say it..)
My life went on, as always. I didn't even realize it the times when he so clearly hinted it, even flirted a little with me. I thought he was joking, as he always does. For me, anything else than friends was unthinkable.. but we had always had many good conversations together.
When the moment came that he finally told me what he felt for me, over facebook during the holidays, I was so moved and touched that I cried a lot of happy tears. Maybe I actually liked him a little? It took such a long time for him to tell me, and he even started becoming a little shy of me then.
I was very important to him, and he said that he wanted to invite me home with him, to meet his family, he had told his mother how special I was to him, and he had talked to my best girl-friend about how valuable I was to him, how he didn't ever want to spoil anything or loose me, like he had lost others..he wanted this relationship to last. He even talked about the future, our future! We only had about 5 weeks left at school then, before we would leave for our homes, far apart, so we were in kind of a rush and should have spent all the time we could together..

But then nothing turned out like in our dreams. We started back at school after holidays, and my other friends spent all their time with me, so the two of us could never be left alone. He didn't like that, so he never came to sit at our usual table anymore during meals. He was also becoming a bit shy of me. Back then I just didn't understand why. We were only us together during the late evenings and nights.. and the times we were together, I was extremely bad at showing how much I felt for him. I watched his hands often, without daring to touch them, I wanted to lean my head on his shoulders, but didn't dare. We kissed, but I could never take the initiative myself. I looked to him for advice, as he had been in relationships before. But I think he waited for me to react, he thought that I should be the one to take the lead, I realize now... He didn't want to loose me, therefore he gave me the freedom to lead this relationship. It failed, as unexperienced of love and shy as I am.. It failed, as he feared.

When the final day at boarding school finished, we left for our homes. I think, both in despair, thinking of the long distances. And my love for him grew deeper, far away from him. So one week later, I visited him for a week at his home, as he had wanted. But when I came he acted coldly to me sometimes, and this gave me the doubts. We did occasionally laugh, or tease one another, but not enough. Naturally, I didn't dare kissing or touching him when he was in that bitter mood, I started to think he didn't like me anymore. Utter complete disaster. Now I know that, even then, he waited for me to take initiative, to talk... But I didn't dare!!!!! This carefulness is something I hate myself for now and will for the rest of my life..
So came the day when he said that "this doesn't work out". He needed a break.. He suggested we be best friends forever instead.

We talked more and more rarely, he became more and more cold to me.
He came, although rather unwillingly, to visit me at home two months after I had been at his house. Only for a few days, probably out of politeness, because I said that I wanted to be the old friends we used to be, again. We had fun when he visited me, and he was so polite to my family, but a little sharp to me, now and then. But the day he left, I burst out crying, which I now think he must have thought was a bit weak. I said I still liked him. I asked if I ever would see him again, he said "of course" (either out of politeness or just to get me to not worry..)

So the weeks (and probably months) still goes. Now I am totally ruined, and feel more and more like another, not so good version of myself. I have started flirting and getting involved with someone else now. I NOW know how easy it is to just kiss, and hold someones hands, to act naturally. Now I would actually dare to approach him that way,do those things to him, if I ever got a second chance..
So now I am flirting with someone else whom I don't even love or like.. and that is certainly not the kind of person I am. I feel bad about it, but can't help it, because it makes me feel better, and makes me forget him for a while.
..

We don't talk much now, him and me. I don't know when the next time I'll see him comes. Probably our school reunion in two years..
Whenever I start talking to him, he says he's busy, but if I wait a few days, maybe weeks, then he is suddenly interested and wants to talk to me, pretending everything is fine. So the times he first talks to me, I pretend I am busy... even though my heart says I would love to talk to him more than anything. When I ask him how he is, what he's doing, he never answers. He has always looked up to me as being the smart one with ambitions of us two. He was always proud of me. He still says I am a wonderful person. I have sent some desperate messages to him lately, explaining how heart-broken and much I regret everything, even told him I love him, they must sound even begging now, a real character killer.. he doesn't believe I love him.. I am not that desperate person, I don't want to become a stalker. But I really care for him. I wish he could just at least tell me how he is.

Well, I really hope some kind soul out there would take the bother to read all of this.. I just REALLY need advice. I am starting at university in two days, but can't get him out of my head, I am afraid I will ruin myself with depression. Does it seem like there is any chance in that the two of us can ever be reunited? Then I would show him my true feelings as I have always wanted to.. touch him and kiss him, like I didn't dare do back then..
Maybe my cowardliness and shyness, later "desperateness" has ruined us both for good .. I just sincerely, sincerely love him, I know I do, and I and want him to be happy, as I know he has been through a lot of sorrow as well.. If all else fails, I just want to become his best friend again, without both of us having to excuse us for being busy all the time, ignoring one another.

thank you !
With kind regards, me:)