I like him, his older brother likes me, and I've never felt so confused.
Okay, this is sort of a humiliating situation to even be in, so here goes nothing.
I apologize for the proceeding essay:
I have several roommates, and one of them is a guy who is my best friend. I'll call him Jacob. We're 22. I have major feelings for him, and I have for a long time. Unfortunately, he's told me he's not interested in that. Right now we're in the "friends with benefits" situation, where he tells me he's really physically attracted to me and we make out, but he wants no emotional attachment of a relationship. Granted, yes, this is a terrible idea on my part, knowing that I like him so much. But I guess it seemed better than nothing. And he's my best friend, and I suppose I always assumed he'd feel differently some day, because with all the people I ever dated I always felt like they liked me for my personality not my looks. I don't really feel at all like I'm physically attractive enough to even put a guy in this situation of only liking the way I look. It's so odd to me. Anyway, point is, we hang out all the time, do the whole making out thing from time to time, but otherwise are not involved, though I really want to be. He can honestly be really really insensitive sometimes, even as a friend, but I still really care about him and let it go. We fight sometimes, but no matter what happens, we always apologize genuinely and remain great friends. But still, basically helplessly crushing on the guy but have no real reason to believe he will be reciprocating those feelings any time soon, so I'm just making out with him and slowly getting my heart crushed like a moron.
Here's where it gets really strange. Last night, my best friend's older brother was over at our house (Zach). He's 24. He lives down the street and he's pretty much here all the time, he's a great guy, and he's extremely kind. Anyway, after my best friend went to bed, his brother and I were on the couch watching TV as usual. Suddenly he asks me, "Are you and my brother dating?" I think he's been talking to him and feel hopeful, but I was honest and said, "No. We're not. Jacob made it really clear that he had no intention of that happening." Zach replied with, "Really? I was just wondering because he gives me dirty looks every time I flirt with you." (I wasn't really aware that flirting was even happening so shows how oblivious I am). I told him that Jacob and I had a strange relationship and I had tried to date him but he didn't want to date. He says, "Why? You're gorgeous, funny, generous, and smart. What's not to want?" Zach and I only really met about a month ago, and this is one of the nicer things anybody's said to me so I was really caught off guard. I stammered around for a bit, and just said, "Wow. Thank you. That's really nice."
And then all of a sudden, he was kissing me. And I stopped it and said, "This is really nice, but I feel like this is a weird situation." He asked why, and I told him "Your brother is my best friend. I have been trying to date him and gotten rejected, but I still feel guilty about this. I do still care about him."
To which I got the response, "Yeah, I understand. But you shouldn't feel guilty. You don't owe anybody anything. If he says he doesn't want to date you, he's an idiot, but that also means you don't need to feel guily about kissing me. If he likes you he needs to step it up, & if he's going to be stupid and pass you up, I'm not going to do the same." And then he went on to say lots of other very nice things, stuff Jacob just doesn't say because we don't have that emotional connection, and he put my head on his chest and just held me there for a while, while my brain went haywire. He spoke up again and said, "Look, I know you feel guilty. I don't want you to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If you tell me to stop I'll stop. But I come over here to see you. My brother's great and all, but you're amazing. And I hate that I'm moving across the country soon and don't get to spend more time with you." At this point I was flattered, vulnerable, being a total girl, and, since I had been perfectly honest with him about my feelings for his brother, I let him kiss me when he went for it again. And we kissed for quite a while. And every once in a while I'd stop and say, "I feel like I'm betraying your brother. I know this is a weird conversation to have while kissing, but I think I should be totally honest." And he'd say something about how his brother was not being intelligent, and if in the future Jacob decided to be smarter and show interest in dating me, he'd back off. But he didn't feel like waiting for his brother to grow up because that may never happen.
Basically, I'm left feeling really skanky. But should I feel that way? I tried going for Jacob and got shot down. We make out (I have never done the FWB thing before, and man, is it starting to wear on my heart. Guess that's why they say it's a bad idea), but he's made it clear it's just that. Even still, I have major feelings for him that will not go away. And they didn't go away the whole time I was with Zach, no matter how much I wanted them to, because I know being with Zach would make me feel a lot less empty. I just don't feel about him the way I feel about Jacob. And I was really honest with him about having feelings for his brother. I didn't try to hide that. He just kissed me anyway. And then told me he'd step back at any time if things worked out with Jacob.
Am I the worst person ever? Or just in one mess of a situation? What the heck do I do?
