Could this girl have developed feelings for me?
First of all, hello! This is my first post here, so I hope I didn't post in the wrong section, bear with me, eh? :)
Here's my story...There is a girl I met 3 years ago through a very good friend. I instantly fell in love with her back then because I could see all those good qualities I loved in a girl, plus she was more awesome than any other girl I've met. She has that kind of craziness I like in a girl, and since I was a quiet person, she pulled me out of my shyness and that's something I'll never forget. We got along really well and I was almost certain the feelings were mutual; she obviously had tons of fun with me, and she was telling her friends too (I remember when she invited a girl along with us, and when I made that girl laugh, she said 'I told you he was funny!'). But when I told her I like her, she said she really liked me and my companion but she didn't want to get in a relationship with me in fear of spoiling our relationship. While she treated me very well, I took this heavily and for 5 months I was in a very bad state emotionally. Anyway, I weighed things and decided to keep this jewel of a person as a friend because she was worth it. Unfortunately, last year she went to study abroad. By then, I already had a long relationship with a girl and had forgotten my feelings for her.
I went into this long introduction to show you what she means to me. Anyway, now she is 19 and I'm 20. We contacted each other scarcely, but it was never awkward; we always talked as if we saw each other every day, recalling our inside jokes. A week ago, she came back for some holidays. She contacted me the day after she arrived, and we went out. At first, to me it was just a pleasant meeting with a friend I value very much. Then, we arranged to go to the beach - she lived in England and here in Greece the weather is still warm. We had tons of fun together, and suddenly I started feeling that kick again. The same day, we went to a concert together. This is where my heart actually went nuts for her. Since there was a lot of pushing around, I tried my best to hold her so she didn't fall. When some guy fell on her really hard, I had to grab her by the waist and pull her towards me; as she regained her balance, she held onto me by actually putting her arms on my shoulders and we came really close. I felt so nice at that moment, holding her like that and looking into her eyes, but I hesitated to go for the kiss. I wasn't sure if she actually wanted me to kiss her. After that, there were many moments when I had to protect her like this, but nothing developed. She would also take me by the hand when she wanted to go further into the crowd, and at one point I couldn't resist smiling at her.
When I had to leave after the concert, she gave me two very warm goodbye hugs. I miss her so much now that she left back to England (it's been two days) and since then I'm a total wreck, knowing that I'll see her in a year again. The last 10 months of my life have been a total depression, since the girl I was with made my life a living emotional hell with her manipulations. Yes, I'm very sensitive for a boy, I know! But she...she was like a breath of happiness for me, and she took herself away. I feel like that day in the beach was a dream and now I've woken up into the old, boring life. I don't know how to cope with this and I'm very frustrated.
The worst thing of all is that I'm suffering from overthinking - I even go to a therapist every now and then but this choice is not available to me now. The thoughts in my head are very disorganized, but I'll try to put them down. So, first of all, do you think that there might have actually been something there? Maybe I should've gone for that kiss? Another question that keeps troubling me is that while I know she finds me attractive, both as a personality and when it comes to looks, I feel like I'm not treating her manly enough. I was browsing the photos she uploaded with us from the concert, and I stumbled upon a photo where she kisses her ex on the cheek. I didn't feel jealous, but I started wondering what does she see in him that she doesn't see in me? You get it, not like a competition or anything, I just wonder what I'm missing. All in all, I don't know if I'm that special to her as she is to me. My last troubling thought, a bit less emotional, is that I'm afraid I might have offended her at the concert. I mean, I didn't do it so much on purpose, but I was touching her a lot; maybe I was too overprotective but I felt like protecting her from people pushing around (we were in a Prodigy concert, so you guess it was kind of psychedelic there!). Maybe though it was excessive touching? I remember points when my hand didn't leave her waist. She didn't do anything to stop it, or even tell me anything after the concert. But I don't know, maybe she didn't want to insult me.
Again, apologies for that very long piece of text, but I really needed to get it out of me. She means so much to me and I wouldn't want to lose her by making her think I'm a jerk (I'm talking about the touching part). It's very painful that there is so much distance between us, and I am realistic that I have to move on and seek another girl, as special as she is to me. I don't believe it that much, but my parents tell me 'if it's going to happen, it will, in time. No point in overthinking it' - they know how much I was in love with her; my mum had to put many plates of untouched food in the fridge back then! I believe I will get over the missing her part, but all other questions are troubling me. I want to thank you from the depths of my heart for your patience reading this, and for your help!
