Marrige over?? Please advise

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19-09-12, 12:07 AM
Pinkjacob

Marrige over?? Please advise

Right I'll make this as short as possible lol!

Three and a half weeks ago my husband decided to leave me (we have two small kids aged 4 and 3) he told me he still loved me and that we had been happy recently, but during a short break (due to the fact he wasn't sure what he wanted) he messed about with someone else, he didn't sleep with her as he stopped it before it went that far, anyway at the end of the break he said he still lived me and wanted me back, I went back and we were really happy, he was always telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me, and tbh our sex life was fine, then at the end of August he say me down and admitted what he had done on the break, he said he was disgusted with himself and he didn't deserve me and so he was leaving.

I tried the old beg and cry routine to no avail, then I changed and tried to get on with things mainly for kids sake,

He was texting me constantly, then turning up where he knew i woyld be, then coming to the house fir some stuff but taking nothing, just having a cup of tea with me!

I tried no contact, but on one occasion he text me numerous times in the space of 1/2 hour, starting off calm, then angry etc then he tried ringing me 10 times then he rang my mum, (who now hates him so she hung up) then he turned up at my door trying to get in 'cos he was worried'
I went out the other week and he convinced himself I had slept with someone else and went mad with jealousy,

He has anger issues, and tends to speak without thinking things through, he then got really angry with me because I tried to explain that I hadn't slept with anyone but even if I had it really wasn't his business now, this was followed by more anger where he then turned round and said he didn't love me hadn't been happy for a long time, and that he had been lying to me.

We are now talking again, he is still coming round everyday, asking my advice on things, ensuring I know he's not seeing anyone, asking If I am, wanting to know what I'm doing all the time or who I'm going out with. When I try to talk to him about us he just looks really sad but doesn't really say a lot.

My question Is, if he has definitely left why is he acting like this? Is he confused about the decision? He has told my daughter that he loves me, and he is VeRy stubborn and doesn't like to admit he is wrong

What is going on? Please help! I'm going mad!
19-09-12, 12:42 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

File for divorce immediately. I don't know how England works, but if you can get a restraining order, then get one immediately. Save all of the texts that he sends you as evidence. You would be a complete ****ing idiot to consider getting back with him, and the sad part is..I think you are still. Idiot. I feel sorry for your kids; they don't stand a chance. Good luck.
19-09-12, 04:05 AM
bulrush

You told us what happened, but not what you want. Do you want to get back together? Have you told him this? IF you don't want to get back together, then why not file for divorce? Why stay in some limbo where you are technically married, but no longer living together?

I can't tell you if the marriage is over. If all communication stops with one person, then it's pretty much over. Other than that, it all depends on what you want and how much you are willing to work to get it. If he is always stubborn and can never admit when he is wrong, then that's the end. That's how it ended with me. My wife never could admit she was wrong nor say she was sorry. That was the crux of the problem. So we divorced. You cannot repair things if both parties cannot admit their wrongs and fix them.
19-09-12, 08:34 AM
Sonrisa

Quote:

Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

File for divorce immediately. I don't know how England works, but if you can get a restraining order, then get one immediately. Save all of the texts that he sends you as evidence. You would be a complete ****ing idiot to consider getting back with him, and the sad part is..I think you are still. Idiot. I feel sorry for your kids; they don't stand a chance. Good luck.

why the restraining order?
19-09-12, 11:51 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulrush [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If all communication stops with one person, then it's pretty much over. Other than that, it all depends on what you want and how much you are willing to work to get it. If he is always stubborn and can never admit when he is wrong, then that's the end. You cannot repair things if both parties cannot admit their wrongs and fix them.

This^ right here. I have been exactly here also.

I'm terribly sorry, but your husband sounds unstable and very selfish. He needs to work on himself. He won't be able to do this with you enabling his behaviour. It probably won't change him much, if at all. Be strong for your children.
19-09-12, 06:27 PM
Pinkjacob

I still want him back, I didn't mean to give the impression that he is violent (restraining order) he really isn't, he only came round that night because he was worried about me as I hadn't replied to his texts or phone calls.

We were really good together, but somewhere along the line, we lost ourselves, I do think if he would see that I have realised my mistakes and I have changed then we really have a chance. We have been through ALOT, and we always made it to the other side together, not all the problems were caused by us, but they did affect us. I do believe that marriage isn't something you just walk away from, sometimes people need to reflect on themselves, and if it is worth it, even to just one of you, then you can't just give up on it. Everyone has hard times, and everyone handles things differently, I know neither of us have been perfect, but nobody is. I do believe he loves me, but he is confused and hurt, he doesn't really know what he wants, I'm sure of it. I've known him for 7years, I know him better than anybody, and I just hope he can see that. This separation has really opened my eyes, I know where we went wrong, exactly where we went wrong, so I know we can fix it. I just hope it's not too late.
19-09-12, 07:12 PM
aitcaicol

go to church pray daily
19-09-12, 07:30 PM
misombra

he's not violent yet. but he's the type that will take it there.
19-09-12, 09:51 PM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinkjacob [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I still want him back, I didn't mean to give the impression that he is violent (restraining order) he really isn't, he only came round that night because he was worried about me as I hadn't replied to his texts or phone calls.

We were really good together, but somewhere along the line, we lost ourselves, I do think if he would see that I have realised my mistakes and I have changed then we really have a chance. We have been through ALOT, and we always made it to the other side together, not all the problems were caused by us, but they did affect us. I do believe that marriage isn't something you just walk away from, sometimes people need to reflect on themselves, and if it is worth it, even to just one of you, then you can't just give up on it. Everyone has hard times, and everyone handles things differently, I know neither of us have been perfect, but nobody is. I do believe he loves me, but he is confused and hurt, he doesn't really know what he wants, I'm sure of it. I've known him for 7years, I know him better than anybody, and I just hope he can see that. This separation has really opened my eyes, I know where we went wrong, exactly where we went wrong, so I know we can fix it. I just hope it's not too late.

He may not be violent yet, but he will be. He's abusive and controlling. His behaviors show that.
20-09-12, 10:07 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinkjacob [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I still want him back, I didn't mean to give the impression that he is violent (restraining order) he really isn't, he only came round that night because he was worried about me as I hadn't replied to his texts or phone calls.

We were really good together, but somewhere along the line, we lost ourselves, I do think if he would see that I have realised my mistakes and I have changed then we really have a chance. We have been through ALOT, and we always made it to the other side together, not all the problems were caused by us, but they did affect us. I do believe that marriage isn't something you just walk away from, sometimes people need to reflect on themselves, and if it is worth it, even to just one of you, then you can't just give up on it. Everyone has hard times, and everyone handles things differently, I know neither of us have been perfect, but nobody is. I do believe he loves me, but he is confused and hurt, he doesn't really know what he wants, I'm sure of it. I've known him for 7years, I know him better than anybody, and I just hope he can see that. This separation has really opened my eyes, I know where we went wrong, exactly where we went wrong, so I know we can fix it. I just hope it's not too late.

Okay, then if you are determined to make a go of it, get this book. Seriously. If you can't be bothered to get a book then there is no hope anyway.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

Kudos for you to give it everything you can and then some. Again, I can relate. Good luck. And really, buy this book and *never* let your husband see it. Ignore all the religious references, if that's not your thing. The psychology is dead-on.

PS - ignoring his texts and becoming independent from him (even though you love him) is *exactly* what you need to keep doing.