Is she playing with me? Should I say goodbye? (Long)
First of all let me apologize because this may run long, but it I think it'd be best that I give some background.
I met a wonderful girl about ten months ago, and deep down inside I truly adore her. I never really noticed her at first, I just thought she was cute and sweet. I was in the point in my life where I had been hurt, and remembered what it felt like. I refused to open myself to danger again, and was rather happy. Several friends/co-workers had approached me and indicated they felt this girl was being more than flirtacious with me. As time carried on, I began to believe she truly was flirting with me indeed, and I began to give her more attention, and I feel something began to happen. At this point we never had spent time alone, just with common friends. It was 4 months ago I realized something was beyond friendship with us. She was out of town and I had mentioned her through instant messages that I felt something more than friendship with her. Her response was that she didn't, and she wanted to know if things would have to change. I took it kind of hard as I have big issues about opening up to people. I left, and we didn't really talk for two weeks. These two weeks were good because I realized how much I valued her as a friend, and she was definately not some conquest. We began talking again. The weird thing to me was that AFTER she turned me down she started to spend MORE time with me. She asked me to movies, asked to come over to my apartment, and we would now go out for drinks, just the two of us. I just found it sort of odd that she decide to get much closer to me AFTER she turned me down. This wasn't the only change. We really got to know each other better. After this, anytime I broke from our social group and did my own thing, she'd question me what I was up to, and really push it. She'd smile a lot and ask me if I had "Secret girlfriends". She told me she thought I was seeing other people and wouldn't tell her. It seemed to bug her a lot, but I was convinced if we were just friends at that point perhaps we keep friendship and personal lives seperated. She would also physically flirt with me. She'd openly hug me, touch me, smile, etc, but we never went past that. One night I sat down at a table, a few paces away from her, a respectable distance, her face almost looked offended, and she pulled my chair with me on it, right beside hers so our legs were touching. I'm sorry but that seemed like a mixed signal to me. One night she drove me home after work, and a light was left on. She seemed troubled and asked me if a girl was upstairs... I told her no, and she was welcome to come up to hang out for a bit. She refused and left. Another mixed signal in my mind. During this time we'd go out for dinner just the two of us, and out for drinks and movies. I know it's probably a mistake, but I'd always insist on picking up the tab, because I knew my money situation was a lot better than hers. After a few more months I figured honesty was the best policy. She was out of town again, so I instant messaged her and told her I felt she was giving me mixed signals. Her response that I was mistaken. She told me she could be more distant to me if I preferred. I said no, and apologized. Two nights after we met at a friends to watch fireworks. The majority of the night we did our own thing, and I refused to let the situation get to me. It was only later in the night, after our friends had left, she was still with me. She was touching me a lot, and kept trying to sit beside me so we were touching. Each time, I got up and moved a bit further away until she stopped. Her response was "Oh grow up, you know you love it when I touch you". After that, things got more odd in my mind. We spent MORE time together. We would go out for drinks together, and she was coming to my apartment a lot more than ever. Instead of just watching movies and calling it a night, she would come over just to talk, often times for hours, sometimes to hours such as 4 in the morning. She got really personal with me, and I reciprocated. She told me she has major trust issues with guys, and doesn't trust many as she believes most guys are out for sexual gratification. She made a point to tell me the number of partners she's had, and why things didn't work out. I would feel confident to say I know more about her than most people. She even said she trusts me more than her closest female friends. We continued to have our relationship "firsts". She recently came over, and surprised me by making me dinner. We made it together and ate together, and watched movies. To me it was really a joy. Around this point, I took advice from friends who suggested I be more aloof to her, and less predictable. I'll be the first to admit I can be predictable around someone I truly care for. I left to my hometown for about four days, and made a point not to tell anyone I was leaving. When I got back, she confronted me with comments such as "Oh you're gone for one weekend and you're too good for me now?" and "Oh, so you leave and hook up with some girls and you think you're too cool for me". She kept asking me about what I did, I'd only tell her that I had a fantastic time with some guys and girls. I told her that if she ever hooked up with a guy, she should check out this one restaurant because it was perfect for dates. Her response was "Oh so you WERE on a date! You can't keep changing the topic whenever we talk about your secret girlfriends!". Also, a one weekend she had drove me home. We stopped for food and ate in the parking lot. She was feeding me food with her hands, and placed a thing of warm food between my legs on the seat and said "Hey here's something hot for between your legs". Flirting? I thought so. Maybe I'm clueless. Anyway, a week or so ago, I was doing a good job of playing it casual. We spent a fair enough amount of time hanging out. One night we spent the entire night out just the two of us. She even turned down an offer from her girlfriends to go dancing. This made me feel pretty good. That night, and lots of nights like that, we're sitting shoulder to shoulder, making lots of eye contact, talking about everything. While I obviously love her to death in any capacity, that night I finally became a bit overwhelmed with how much I valued her. The next day, I went out and bought her a piece of silver jewellery, nothing expensive, but something she'd love none the less. I placed in a way that she'd be surprised. After we spent the night out together, I went home. I had two messages on my machine from her. She called again and said repeatedly that "I don't deserve nice things like that", over and over. I told her if she felt uncomfortable accepting gifts from me, as were just friends, she should tell me and I'd return it no questions asked. She said no, she loved it, and wanted to keep it. With the jewellery, I wrote a letter with a ribbon just saying how amazing I thought she was a person. I told her I hoped I could make her smile because she makes me smile all the time. Sappy? Perhaps. Well, I didn't hear from her for two days after that. This was odd because she'd often call me every day of the weekend the minute she got up just to talk to me. I finally found her and instant messaged her. I asked her why she wasn't talking to me, and she went straight to telling me that she went out with two other guys in the past few days and had a great time. Out of curiousity I asked her if she was an item with any of the guys. She became really sharp with me. She told me that she's not in the habit of doing things with guys that are her friends, and that I obviously "Don't know her at all". I responded that it was a simple question, and yes, perhaps I didn't know her if she'd become so upset over a question like that. She was being really sharp, and I asked her why. She denied it and said that I was just acting on a bunch of nonsense. We went through the rest of the week without talking, which is the first time in a long time. I saw her tonight while I was meeting up with a mutual friend at work. She smiled, complimented on how I looked. I played it cool and just acted like a friend. We ended up going to the same bar, and I bought her a drink. She made some convo, and I made it back acting like nothing had happened. I guess in the back of my mind I thought this was the perfect chance to discuss things face to face. Well it didn't happen. She spent the night talking and doing other things with some new co-workers. I barely talked to her for a couple of hours. I played it cool, but inside I was really hurt. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can't help it. After the group left, she never never said goodbye to me. Maybe she didn't know I wasn't coming along for an after-drink meal, but either way, nothing. Normally I walk her to her car to make sure she gets there ok.
Now I'm sitting here. Confused. I tried my best to treat her like a human being and not a conquest. She opened herself to me, and I did it in return. My brain is so overworked from calculating the what-ifs I really need some advice. Does it sound like maybe she DOES like me but has other things going on? Does it sound like I'm being played? I'll admit I've been super-available to her, but is this a mistake? What do I do now? All that I know is I can't continue with these ups and down. I'd love to know if I'm getting mixed signals if that's the case. Once again, sorry if this is so long, but there's something more here in my mind. I need help.
