lonely tomboy

Hey all- I'm new. Hope you can help me out here.

I'm not much of a dating person. Nor am I flirtacious, romantic, or what society perceives as an "attractive sexy woman". I don't mean that to sound so pitiful, for I have alot of confidence in myself, and I see myself as a good person with above average looks- "problem" is I'm a tomboy. Not just a girl who plays a few sports- but a hardcore tomboy- I act like a guy, dress like a guy, think like a guy. I am straight, and although I can't see myself "dating" in traditional terms, the thought that I may go through life alone and end up a bitter lonely old woman scares the hell outta me.

I refer to my tomboyishness as a "problem" only because it has hindered my love life completely. I'm in my mid-twenties and have never really dated- just a few random blind dates that my friends set up that went miserably. Guys just don't "see" me as dateable- like I'm my own little nonsexual species, neither man nor woman. It seems the only answer is to toss my baggy pants and put on dresses/makeup/etc., be flirtacious and downplay the competetiveness & aggressiveness- basially ACT more like society's perception of a feminine girl. I tried this before, hated myself for it, and it got me no where. I'm not doing it again (*hint hint*: I don't want makeover advice...). Being someone I'm not will just make things worse, and waste my time and the guy's time.

So, um.. yes... what is it I want? I'd like companionship- the perfect entanglement of a best friend and a lover, without all the tedious mushy dating crap you have to go through to get there. I'd like to find a guy that could love me for who I am- a child-at-heart tomboy, and not the stereotype-cutesy-woman I "could be if I just wore a dress and some lipstick once in a while". Does a tomboy have a chance to be attractive to men, or am I just kidding myself?

guys should like you for who you are. reguardless of how you look, or act, you shouldn't worry too much about what others think. i know that it will have an impact upon their first impressions, but after they get to know you, things will be different. i think moreso, instead of worrying so much about getting into a relationship, you should concentrate on the present. why worry about the future. i feel that everyone will find happiness in life sooner or later. you just have to be patient and your time will come. raverboy

Paradox. You don't want to attract men passively, sitting there looking pretty, wearing a push-up bra and some lipstick, like "society" (???) is "expecting" (???) of you. BUT. I don't see any desire from you to ask the guys you like out yourself either. If you really want to *find* a guy -- LOOK.

Something's gotta give. Either you attract passively. Or you hunt aggressively. Everything else is just pure luck.

when it all comes down, looks shouldn't matter. you should be yourself. because when a guy truely loves you, they love you just for you, not other little things. you just gotta find someone who accepts you for who you are. and how is your social skills? do you have good conversations with people? if your personality stands out, there's always hope.

do you actually have someone in mind already? you could start there.

but you also have to have a good first impression.

I've been in your shoes although I changed somewhere about 19. I'm in my mid-twenties now and still as "low-maintenance" and non-girly as you can get. You'll get a lot of "be yourself" posts and "they should like you as you are" posts. And that's great because it's all true. But being where you are I can say from first-hand experience that the old saying "you can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar" is true. Don't get me wrong, I would still consider myself a tomboy. High heels and make up are not my thing to this day but I realize that most men want a women with some degree of feminity or else what sets them apart? Don't even try to get some rediculous make over but do get bit more conscious of your outward appearance if you want to "attract" a guy. You'll find someone. A lot of guys are turned on by girls who are "just one of the guys" but whom they still find attractive.

Very honest, very true. You're right- the "Be yourself" posts have the best of intentions.. but being myself for 24 years, although it has earned me a great deal of confidence and independence, still leaves a gaping hole in my life. And I don't think there's just one answer either. I could leave it at "It'll happen, if it needs to happen, when it happens. So just chill."... but that's... really.. hard for me to do. I'm not a sit-around-and-wait chick. Problem is I don't even know if I want or need a relationship, and I fear the only way to know this for sure is to "try it out". But to do this without hurting a guy in the process (if I stumble upon one that has a thing for girls like me).... ? Nobody wants to be a test drive. I know I don't want the typical relationship- I need my space and independence. I'm not romantic in the least. I'd rather go out and play than stay in and cuddle. I doubt I'd be anywhere near a nymphomaniac. These are things that most people find "fun" and even the "point" to having a relationship. I'm still trying to decide if any desire or curiousity I have in dating/marriage/love stems from society's pressure to stick to the beaten path, or from my deeply buried desires.. wherever they're hiding.

To comment on a past posting: I think I have a pretty good first impression- even more so if it's a friend of a friend that I haven't met- I'd be less cautious and more open. People have said how funny I am right off the bat, and trust me right away. The only thing is I must not ooze this attractive "date-able-ness" that other girls can. Right from "hello"...I am "instant-friend-woman"... skipping the date-able possibilty, and headed straight for the "like-a-sister" title. Yay me. I'm guessing it's because I don't dress to impress anyone but myself. I wear what I think I look good in, and it's apparently not coinciding with male opinions. Such poor taste, *tsk tsk* ;0)