How to stop being her emotional brace.

There's this girl who I've become really close with, like really close. For example, her psychologist asked her to pick the two closest people in her life and she picked her mum and I. I once asked her out, and she said that she loves me so much that she doesn't want to start that kind of relationship with me yet because she tends to ruin her relationships and doesn't want to hurt/lose me. She's been suicidal and depressed in the past. The problem is... I've become her emotional brace, I think. She rings me at all times of the day - sometimes past midnight, sometimes at 7 in the morning. Sometimes she just rings me and we chat for a while, and then she kinda just keeps me on the phone while she goes about doing whatever she's doing just for my "company". Of course, we hang out in real life too - but not in the last couple of weeks because she's been working a lot, thus all the phoning.

I really like her and care for her, but I don't think I can handle her emotions on top of my own. For months I've been there for her to the best of my ability, but lately I've been trying to slowly cut her off - but only very slowly. For example, last night she rang me and we spoke for an hour, and the conversation came to a natural end but she wanted me to just stay on, even though all she was doing was browsing on the internet and not really talking anymore. So, instead of just baring it like I usually do, I told her that I was going to go now, because the conversation had obviously ended and I wanted to do other things.

I've noticed that feelings of resentment in me are starting to grow. The way she goes about things is... really selfish. I don't think she realises how much stress she puts me through, even though she's an amazing person and I enjoy being with and talking to her, which is the only reason I keep coming back. Sometimes she makes it a habit of telling me about other guys and how they either hit on her, try to kiss her, kiss her etc. I hate talking about that stuff, it hurts... but I guess she doesn't realise that. She went to a party tonight, and such stories usually come afterwards. Before deciding to make this thread I had convinced myself that if she rings me and says anything like that I'm just gonna tell her that "I don't have time for this shit" and hang-up.

Being there all the time for her, when she keeps doing stuff without thinking about how it affects me is really hard - but I care for her and I don't want to hurt her. Notice how I'm avoiding the "L" word here, but sometimes I wonder. I thought I'd ask you ladies how I should best deal with this situation with the least repercussions.

Thanks,
Daniel.

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Originally Posted by dantcg [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's this girl who I've become really close with, like really close. For example, her psychologist asked her to pick the two closest people in her life and she picked her mum and I. I once asked her out, and she said that she loves me so much that she doesn't want to start that kind of relationship with me yet because she tends to ruin her relationships and doesn't want to hurt/lose me. She's been suicidal and depressed in the past. The problem is... I've become her emotional brace, I think. She rings me at all times of the day - sometimes past midnight, sometimes at 7 in the morning. Sometimes she just rings me and we chat for a while, and then she kinda just keeps me on the phone while she goes about doing whatever she's doing just for my "company". Of course, we hang out in real life too - but not in the last couple of weeks because she's been working a lot, thus all the phoning.

I really like her and care for her, but I don't think I can handle her emotions on top of my own. For months I've been there for her to the best of my ability, but lately I've been trying to slowly cut her off - but only very slowly. For example, last night she rang me and we spoke for an hour, and the conversation came to a natural end but she wanted me to just stay on, even though all she was doing was browsing on the internet and not really talking anymore. So, instead of just baring it like I usually do, I told her that I was going to go now, because the conversation had obviously ended and I wanted to do other things.

I've noticed that feelings of resentment in me are starting to grow. The way she goes about things is... really selfish. I don't think she realises how much stress she puts me through, even though she's an amazing person and I enjoy being with and talking to her, which is the only reason I keep coming back. Sometimes she makes it a habit of telling me about other guys and how they either hit on her, try to kiss her, kiss her etc. I hate talking about that stuff, it hurts... but I guess she doesn't realise that. She went to a party tonight, and such stories usually come afterwards. Before deciding to make this thread I had convinced myself that if she rings me and says anything like that I'm just gonna tell her that "I don't have time for this shit" and hang-up.

Being there all the time for her, when she keeps doing stuff without thinking about how it affects me is really hard - but I care for her and I don't want to hurt her. Notice how I'm avoiding the "L" word here, but sometimes I wonder. I thought I'd ask you ladies how I should best deal with this situation with the least repercussions.

Thanks,
Daniel.

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I don't think she realises how much stress she puts me through,

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Well, she doesn't because you have been enabling her to do this to you. You've never shown her in actions or even communicated to her that her behaviour is inappropriate or annoying. Obviously she doesn't realize that it has been just that to you. So: You have to tell her, kindly and matter of factly that you are not her Male Girlfriend and to save that talk for her female friends who actually know how to relate.

This girl has obvious issues that you'll never be able to fix so you best think long and hard about any romantic feelings you may have for her. Her issues could very well be life long if she's not getting any therapy for her suicidal thoughts and depression.

I think you're doing the right thing by slowly backing off. Do stop enabling her to treat you like her crutch, emotional catch all and therapist. You can't fix her.

OK, I just found out that the reason she's become so attached to me is because once she had literally been at a train station ready to jump with a suicide note written and on her bed. She tried ringing her bestfriend to see if she was loved, but he friend was drunk and told her to stop messing around. And then I had noticed that she was really down that night and had logged off Facebook randomly through a conversation we were having just before she went to the train station where she was telling me about why she was feeling down. So I rang her and asked her if she was alright... she didn't tell me at the time where she was or why, but she went home and told her parents that she needed help :/