Need advance on how to handle painful feelings from past event?
Okay, first of all that is my first post on here and I want to use the case to say hi to everyone and also thanks to the people who will read and give their opinion and advice!
I am in my late twenties but I have not much experience in relationships, almost none as I have some fears of commitment I think or maybe I haven't met the right guy.
The situation is really complicated. I like a colleague of mine since almost two years. Long ago, I invited him out and he politely rejected, he was really scared, even he said he might be leaving the job but he did not. He was really afraid of me in the beginning and he would ignore me for no reasons and feel really embarrassed when I initiated talking with him or hanging out together or meeting him out of work and it was really weird all of it. At first I believed he was shy but then I realized he might have some social problems or communication problems with the opposite gender I don't know. He knew I liked him a lot. Once being drunk I told him and asked to kiss him. He kind of agreed but then it was all awkward. He asked me to pretend it did not happen and told people from work about it. I felt really humiliated because everyone knew and some made fun while most of the colleagues were really understandable. A big mistake has happened as a result. A guy I used to be friends with asked me out when he found out how I felt. Mistake has happened between us because I was depressed and emotionally vulnerable. It was just because I needed so badly to switch my mind to something else and what happened I still deeply regret. I explained to the second guy I do not want to be with him and he understood, he was interested into a friend of mine so I broke up with both of them as I just did a mistake and did not want to be on the way. I told the guy I like from work what I have done as I felt I betrayed our even not really a friendship. He accepted it saying we are still friends, but according to me we are not even friends. He knows I like him and he wants me to like him and he is ready to accept anything as long as I still like him and I find that wrong as he is scared and does not want to be with me as it looks like since all that long time. I was never able to talk to him about serious matters as he denies conversations and he does not want to and he does not reply to text messages either, only really occasionally. I can feel he likes me but in a very odd way. I tried to be normal and casual in work for months after all that but in one moment I could not anymore because it felt so hard. I told him every time I see him I feel angry at myself and at him because of past stories and it reminds me all what I have done and I should be ashamed and embarrassed and that he destroyed my life and that I know I have to try and be nice but I can't anymore and it feels really wrong. He got angry and he told me I was a bum head and slime. Then he said we are friends then he insulted me again and it was so immature and childish. I felt really bad and since that moment I feel unable to work with him, I feel really bad. He tries to talk to me as before but I feel really bad, I tried to apologize but did not work very well and it just felt bad and even he tries to make things as they used to which was not also good, but better, things get worse. It hurts me to know that we might end up ignoring each other and all that to finish in a stupid way, I know I have been immature and so was he but I just feel real hard feelings and I do not know how to handle and repair things at least a little. Of course I realize nothing will ever happen anymore but I do not want things to finish in such a bad and messed up way. Any advice will be appreciated.
