don't know what i'm doing... don't know what i'm doing...
Why am I here? What is my question? DO I HAVE A QUESTION??
I don't know... I don't know anything... everything is... jumbled... nothing makes sense...
You don't know me, I don't know you, so i'll jump right to the point. about 6 months ago I met my first girlfriend at fencing training. She's 15. I'm 18, in college. You see how this is already complicated?? We're so much alike it's ridiculous; we like the same things, we act the same, we dress the same, we HATE the same things, it's insane.
We've considered ourselves a couple for about a month and a half now, and my ability to think rationally is flying out the window. For the past month we have talked practically every day for at least an hour on the phone, and 2+ hours via AIM or whatnot.
You guys need to understand that i HATE talking on the phone. I've talked more to this girl in one month than I've talked to EVERYONE i've ever MET on the phone in my entire LIFETIME.
At any rate... i've learned many things. She has depression. Her father is an acoholic, the parents hate each other and have told her they are getting a divorce as soon as she graduates. the mother is bi-polar. She now hates me because she THINKS her daughter and I are "doing things", which we aren't! We've only been able to spend the tiniest amount of time together because we're both so afraid of the damn mother!
I want to talk to the mother and tell her that i really, actually care about her daughter, but my girlfriend doesn't want me to because she's afraid it will return and plague her. I don't want this to happen. I feel so helpless because I WANT to help her, and I can't!
She calls me and I can tell she's depressed... she seems so sad sometimes. I do my best, and often I have her laughing by the end of the conversation. I gave her a necklace of sea-shells that I got on my first trip to Hawaii to remind her that freedom and unimaginable wonders wait just around the corner for her.
But right now i'm taking finals... my brain is gone... I can't think... I think i screwed up tonight.
We were talking on AIM and I told her I loved her. She told me she doesn't believe that is true because she doesn't think anyone is capable of "loving" her . I was... very hurt by this. I told her that I understood, but that it hurt anyway. She said she was sorry.
I told her that i worried sometimes that I was just her boyfriend by grace of my being in college, a trophy. I wondered if I was nothing more than a very close friend. I told her this, and she said "I'm sorry".
so I asked her "Well, what am I?" She said "My boyfriend." and asked me if I thought she would be so shallow as to think of me like that. I said no, and she said "right, I am very frank, and say what I mean."
anyway... she called me later that night just before I was going to eat and after a brief conversation I had to inturrupt her to tell her I'd call her back in 20 minutes because I had to eat before the restaurant closed. She said ok and I called her back. She spent a few minutes talking before she said she was tired and that she was going to sleep. I said goodnight and she didn't even say anything back to me.
This combined with the fact that she flat out refuses to give me a picture of her because she "hates the way she looks in pictures" and that she has only once told me she cares about me, also that whenever I try to bring up her feelings for me it's like pulling teeth and i've never gotten her to say anything like "I miss you" or "I think about you" or whatever.
Have I upset her???
She always says that if I upset her i'd KNOW it... yet this feeling keeps gnawing on me from the inside out. what the hell is this!?
This is all going to be very clear to me in the morning after my last final, when whatever tiny bits of cognitive ability are restored to me... but right now... I can't think straight enough to tie my own shoes... I'M NOT EVEN WEARING SHOES!!
