My Feelings

I just read BillyGalbreath's thread about his feelings, and it seems like it really helped him to type his feelings out. I'm getting desperate and I don't know how else to deal with all of the emotions I'm experiencing, so hopefully you won't mind, Billy, if I kind of steal your idea. ;)

Here we go...

May 15th, 2005

Today, I'm very grouchy. I ain't real sure why, but I am. What else is new. Ali (a girl that I was kind of talking to for a couple of weeks before she got over me) keeps popping in and out of my mind for some reason. I keep telling myself I'm over her, but I know I'm not. I'm still having problems with my freakin' allergies. I can't wait for them to go away.

Yesterday at the softball game, I saw Ali sitting on top of the hill with her family. For some reason, I kept looking that way. I felt feelings of hate, love, and jealousy at the same time. Jealousy of what? I'm not really sure. I know I have to put these feelings behind me because we will be together alot next year. Hating her will only cause problems. It will create tension in the carpool for school next year. I don't want that to happen. I want going to a new school to be a new beginning for me. A fresh start. I don't want her to ruin that, so I'm trying to forget I hate her. At the same time, I'm trying to forget I love her. These feelings remind of this song.


Band: Three Days Grace
Song: (I Hate) Everything About You

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

When I'm not thinking about Ali, I keep wondering if things might get more serious with Courtney. Even though she's involved with Zac right now, (well, more like getting played by Zac) we have so much fun together and we're always flirting. However, I still don't know what I want. Do I desire Courtney because I desire Courtney, or do I desire Courtney because I desire Ali? What I mean by that is, am I really in love with Courtney, or do I need something to help me get over Ali?

Now it occurs to me. I have mentioned Ali in almost every sentence of this post. Why is that? I think I'm still in love with her. I know I am. Or do I? I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. My damn ears are still stopped up. I can't unstop them now. I want Courtney to get on Yahoo! Messenger. I want to flirt with her. I want something to take my mind off Ali, off my ears, off how bad my life sucks right now.

I want to be happy again. That's all I want. I no longer find joy in anything. I want to stop thinking about Ali. There's no way I'll be able to cut contact with Ali. I'll be riding to and from school with her every day for the next three years. I want to be friends with her, but I don't know if I can. I don't know anything anymore.