New country, new realtionship and 6 months have passed. I'm stil not over her.

So the reason for my break up in the first place. We had decided to just be friends for a while, it w.as working well we were putting effort into being close, talking doing things together. Then with reason she got jealous of me one night after a party (I didn't cheat or anything but she could see I was treating another friend of ours really kindly offer her jacket walk her home etc.) It was stupid of me, I just didn't see her as a jealous person, and in my mind of course no one was nearly as important as her to me. I was insensitive and stupid. I think generally even though it wasn't the case here when she got mad at me; but I was thinking about myself, wanting something physical to make myself feel better. Anyway, she then stopped talking to me. We are living together and for 2 months she doesn't speak a word to me, doesn't even want to look at me! I find photo of us teared up, and every attempt I try to speak to her she stops me. I can tell this time is horrible for us both, but then I start to see her heal. I broke up because I was a selfish a$$, probably thinking with my what's in my pants, not committing 100% to moving on or making up with my ex and it buried me. The most stupid things I did to make it easier to get over her and it in the long run it still hasn't worked.

People are telling me I need to move on, so I try. I really go at it but my heart isn't in it. Now my ex moves back to her home country and I'm ready for a really rough time but a a girl I know tells me she likes me wants to get to know me better. It's a relief I really start to like her too. I have to move to another county myself for a work placement but we give it a try, we live together for a little while and it's really nice. We have a few arguments she can see I still care about my ex, but I feel I am healing. When I move to the new country she really helps me in the transition period when I am lonely, and for a good 2 months or so I really feel I have moved on and I am starting to feel good about myself again.

But it just seems to be going in circles, 6 months of have passed and now she pops into my head during the day, a couple of times last week, sometimes a bad feeling in my stomach comes with it and sometimes I shrug it off. Now this week I've had 2 sleepless nights, it's getting hard again. I'm torturing myself I know, but I can't forgive myself, it was the best relationship of my life and I threw it away for nothing. Mostly I think what she is doing now, what I could say to her that would make her know how I feel, how I could even tell her this. What I could do better with a second chance. Then the idea she will never take me back, that all connections are severed settles in and it really crushes me.

The relationship I'm in now is a double-edged sword. I love her, but I know not as much as she loves me. I'm so grateful for everything she has done for me, and I don't want to let her down. I want to be with her but right now I feel; I can't give her the best of me, and I can't stop hating myself while I am with her.
Some of what is hurting me now must be the guilt I'm in a realtionship I shouldn't be perhaps? We almost broke up a few times in the past but we always felt we needed each other and came back together. I know I rely on a partner too much, I need to be more independent confident in myself. More time alone after the initial break up would have helped this. But now I'm in another country I don't feel I have anyone besides her who wants to talk to me and support me.

I feel no matter how much I try, I never change. I always screw up and am living in the past. Yes, I go through phases where I know I'm making progress but I can't help but feel I'm just going to make the same mistakes over again. I've got a lot going for me right now, but I feel a little hollow, everything I am doing has less meaning when I'm in this state. I don't know how to make the right decision or to have the fortitude to stick with these choices and I hate myself for it.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have no one I can talk too and bottling it up is making it worse,
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