Told boyfriend about my lingering attraction to his best friend
Apologize in advance for length. You know how it is.
Told my long term deeply serious boyfriend about my lingering attraction to his best friend, and that I don't want to act on it and have been actively trying not--by avoiding said best friend unless well chaperoned. I dreamt about him once a long time ago and it bothered me. I took measures to prevent it from ever happening. I don't want to be attracted to his best friend. I don't want to be with him, and I will certainly never leave my boyfriend for him. Nevertheless, I was attracted to him, had a crush, admired him, what have you. It's fading, and I'm at least relieved about that.
I held it back before because I didn't want to rock the boat, knew I could trust myself not to be tempted. Told him because I don't want to hide things from him; he says I tend to be cold / not tell him things. I've been trying to open up and work on that. I'd been feeling so close to him lately that I thought something like this wouldn't hurt us. I knew we could make it through together. I want our love to be sincere and genuine... But I think it was pretty selfish of me to unload on him like this. I was just trying to be as open as I could, maybe a bad overcompensation for being closed off.
He's not bothered by my attraction to his best friend so much as that I avoid his best friend because I don't trust myself. I just don't want the opportunity to present itself ever. But even given the opportunity I wouldn't take it. I take measures to prevent all this because I'd rather err on the side of caution. But that is because I know how easy it is to hurt someone. I don't even want to have to chance. I don't even want to be in his presence potentially "making eyes" at him. However, I know from experience that it's easy not to look at the best friend. All I have to do is think about what I have with my boyfriend. Maybe it was harder before but it's going away, and all I want is my boyfriend. I chose him. I only want him. I pushed away everything else. Maybe the vehemence with which I pushed it away makes him believe that I thought it was such a threat that I reacted in turn.
He's right, maybe I don't trust myself. But I trust myself enough to take measures against anything happening. I think it bothers him that it takes that many obstacles to prevent me from going after his friend. It's not like I'm desperate to be with him. I'm not in love with him. I don't like his lifestyle. It's that he shares some personality qualities with my boyfriend. He reminds me of him, in a different package is all. BUT I DON'T WANT IT. The attraction feels trivial. But the way I handled it is not so trivial.
I felt like I had it under control. I was keeping away from the best friend, thinking of reasons not to be attracted to him, spending all my time with my boyfriend. But the attraction, which came from much earlier in the relationship and is steadily dying in large steps, felt like something I was hiding. He always wants me to be honest and open so when the opportunity to hang out with both of them came up, and I refused, he wanted to know why. Mostly to avoid intruding on their time together and partially because I don't want to be around the best friend.
Is there any way to comfort him? To salvage what's left? He's been thinking about us, and seems to be prepared to work through it together. But I keep putting my foot in my mouth every time he comes back home. Should I not have told him? Was it good to be honest, or if it wasn't an issue should I have just let it go? Should I talk to the best friend about it (ie: I was attracted to you and I told my boyfriend, how can I explain to him that nothing will ever happen between us because neither of us want that)? My boyfriend says I'm making a bigger deal of this than it is, and that is what's bothering him. I'm just panicking and trying to explain--but there is nothing to explain, really. I keep digging myself in deeper.
I didn't want any of this. I wanted to avoid making drama by keeping it low key, but I felt pressured to open up to my boyfriend about something, anything, that the worst possible thing came out. I just felt so close to him and trusted him that I thought maybe this is the sort of openness he's talking about, and that our relationship could handle it. We'll see.
Anyone been in this sort of situation? What did you do? Did you salvage the relationship?
My boyfriend says things like, "You're expecting me to leave. You want me to leave. Maybe I should do us both a favor. You'd be relieved if I left, wouldn't you? Then you could pursue whoever you want."
What do I even say to that. "No I don't expect or want you to leave, because it's you I want to pursue" doesn't quite cut it.
Edit: for reference, I am turning 23 next month, he is 25, friend is 26. Relationship is going on a year plus 10 months of deeply serious commitment. Attraction to friend was first noticed just before we officially got together, never pursued, never intend to pursue, steadily dying over the year.
