Buried attraction

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27-12-12, 07:01 AM
karukas88

Buried attraction

I could use your perspective and ideas on a matter.

I have a guy I've been friends with for a long time. This year we've been hanging out much more and about 2 months ago we kissed. That kind of opened our eyes to the attraction we didn't know we had (when I told some of my friends about it, they actually said that it was a bit visible to them). Of course we knew it was very wrong since he has a long term gf, and after the next day we acted as nothing happened, even though we both felt it. We still acted as friends with the difference that we hung out as much better ones, like going for long lunches, long midnight walks with the purpose of photographing and talked a lot more.
I suppose it was bound to happen that we kissed again few times until we approached the question "what is going on and why?". Now don't get me wrong, I felt guilty as hell and so did he, but it was like impossible to stay away. We tried to find a solution to it but he didn't know what to do. Since he couldn't make a decision I told him I can't see him that often. Since we have mutual friends we did meet quite a lot. Nothing happened but we could feel it and see it from each other's eyes.

After 2 months he still hadn't told his gf and he hadn't decided, so I actually started to think he's an asshole and did it on purpose. He had told me that he didn't see any future with his gf anymore and had a rough time. That's why I thought he had been just playing with me. He also couldn't give me ANY adequate answers besides "I don't know", so I told him that if he also doesn't have anything to explain to me after 2 days then I never want to hear anything from him. He actually called me after 2 days and said nothing was done on purpose. He said that he's confused about what we have but he's never felt that and always thought that it is extremely easy to say no to others when you're in a relationship. I also suggested that it could have been anybody besides me but he strongly disagreed. He said that maybe the reason he couldn't decide was that he might still love his gf but he's not sure. But he wants to try to see if his relationship could get better.

Now, I think he's doing the right thing trying to fix what is left, if I leave my feelings out of it. But I'm wondering if it is possible for us to continue our friendship with buried feelings? Especially if we are going for a 10-day trip with our friends (without his gf) and have to be so close all the time?
How easy can it be for him to suppress his feelings? And could he actually fix things with her even though he has that secret from her..?
28-12-12, 03:13 AM
karukas88

Really... does anybody have some advice? :/
28-12-12, 05:30 AM
IndiReloaded

Sorry, but what is your question? Be clear about what you want. With him, too.
28-12-12, 05:49 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I could use your perspective and ideas on a matter.

I have a guy I've been friends with for a long time. This year we've been hanging out much more and about 2 months ago we kissed. That kind of opened our eyes to the attraction we didn't know we had

Bull. You both knew it, but didn't voice it - that's just a communication issue, resolved by a kiss. You don't just randomly kiss someone without having attraction first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

(when I told some of my friends about it, they actually said that it was a bit visible to them). Of course we knew it was very wrong since he has a long term gf, and after the next day we acted as nothing happened, even though we both felt it. We still acted as friends with the difference that we hung out as much better ones, like going for long lunches, long midnight walks with the purpose of photographing and talked a lot more.

That's not acting as friends, that's feeling out a new relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I suppose it was bound to happen that we kissed again few times until we approached the question "what is going on and why?". Now don't get me wrong, I felt guilty as hell and so did he, but it was like impossible to stay away. We tried to find a solution to it but he didn't know what to do. Since he couldn't make a decision I told him I can't see him that often. Since we have mutual friends we did meet quite a lot. Nothing happened but we could feel it and see it from each other's eyes.

Since you didn't talk to each other about it, that's an assumption on your part. He may have felt that way, it even seems likely but don't assume.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

After 2 months he still hadn't told his gf and he hadn't decided, so I actually started to think he's an asshole and did it on purpose. He had told me that he didn't see any future with his gf anymore and had a rough time. That's why I thought he had been just playing with me. He also couldn't give me ANY adequate answers besides "I don't know", so I told him that if he also doesn't have anything to explain to me after 2 days then I never want to hear anything from him. He actually called me after 2 days and said nothing was done on purpose.

Here you made an ultimatum, and he gave you a non-answer within the time limit in order to buy himself some more time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He said that he's confused about what we have but he's never felt that and always thought that it is extremely easy to say no to others when you're in a relationship.

This is wrong. Sometimes it's VERY hard to say no. Those times are a true test of a relationship - if you can't say no, then you need to walk away from your relationship first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I also suggested that it could have been anybody besides me but he strongly disagreed. He said that maybe the reason he couldn't decide was that he might still love his gf but he's not sure. But he wants to try to see if his relationship could get better.

This is why he was buying time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karukas88 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Now, I think he's doing the right thing trying to fix what is left, if I leave my feelings out of it. But I'm wondering if it is possible for us to continue our friendship with buried feelings? Especially if we are going for a 10-day trip with our friends (without his gf) and have to be so close all the time?
How easy can it be for him to suppress his feelings? And could he actually fix things with her even though he has that secret from her..?

If he loves her, and really wants to fix his relationship with her, there isn't a single good reason to tell her about it, particularly as it never went beyond a kiss - the only thing he'd accomplish by telling her is to hurt her and further damage the relationship. If he wants to break up with her, it's an excellent way to go.

Your real answer is going to be on that 10 day trip - if he never approaches you and nothing happens, he's committed to her for real. If he does, then you need to tell him to go break up with her and come back to you clean. If you don't, he's going to get the green light to cheat - on you too, when it's your turn.
03-01-13, 06:47 AM
karukas88

Thank you very much for such a detailed answer! I guess I'll just have to see then... :/