A Very Very Broken Heart......
"you are my number one. You are the one man who cared about me and allowed me to be a kid again. You are the one man who got me to where I needed to go to get better. The one man who I told my deepest darkest secrets to. I promise that I will always have your back, and that I would take a bullet for you, and you need to know that I would never cheat on you or hurt you."
-K**s*i
The amount of heartache that fills my body is unbearable. For I am at a true true loss of my best friend, the woman of my dreams and someone I once called my better half. You see this woman and I were once a partnership, were once a team. But now we are enemies grow apart faster and faster everyday. This woman had a huge roll in saving my life, and just as I helped her get to the place that she needed to get to, she humped me, she pumped me, dumped me and left me out to dry. She broke up with me in the most distasteful way that I could even imagine. Not even a goodbye, good luck or a thank you. She left me like the stranger that I was to her, made me out to be a bad person, and continues to somehow hurt me more and more every day. Someone who I thought would have my back, is now gone like a puff a smoke when I really needed her. Someone who I thought would at least pick up my phone call to discuss her recent restraining orders. Someone who I thought would be decent enough to not actually want to hurt me more than she already has. She does do one thing right though, I will say that. Is making you feel like I was nothing to her, like I was just a "guy," that all the memories were superficial to her and deep deep down that I wasn't worth one bit to her.
I loved this woman very very much. I can't even fit enough words on this page to why I was convinced, that she felt the same way. With her constant reminders, and her constant reassurance, I was led to believe that she would never hurt me, only to realize that she is capable and willing to ruin my life. While this doesn't even effect her, I find myself slipping deeper into a dark place. I wasn't asking for a whole lot, especially when I didn't and receive much in the relationship from her. I just don't understand how someone could spend 3 years with somebody, and than turn and split on them in such a way that is so cold, rude and mean.
So although I chose not to go through our entire relationship, I present the way it all went down between our 3 year anniversary which was 2.5 months ago and current day. I am looking for any type of feedback, reassurance, and ultimately to not feel like such a bad person, as to why anybody would want to hurt somebody this way. Because ultimately I am dead inside.
-She says she is going to Reno for work leaving me at home to house sit for her.
-She goes to Tahoe for the weekend with another man and has sex with him, leaving me worried as her phone is off
-Lies to my face over 50+ times over the course of the next 2.5 months. Breaks up with me over 5 times, verbally abusive every time I bring up her In Reno
-She breaks up with me 2 days before Christmas and ruins the holidays for me. Breaks a commitment with me and my family on Christmas Eve. and has the nerve to ignore me on Christmas eve and christmas. Why? because I went into her house to get my keys twice, even though we have lived together, and she asked me to house sit for her 4 days prior, I know it's not okay, but not a reason to ruin a time of the year that speaks joy and love.
-Take her away to Half Moon Bay. Pay for everything and fulfill her needs and fantasies. Makes the following promises to me (again):
-" I promise that I would never hurt you."
-" I promise that I will give this relationship 110 percent with both feet in"
-"I promise that I will do the work to change my behaviors"
-" I would take a bullet for you, and I will not turn my back."
-"I completely understand that you are feeling scared. I get it. It is okay and I am aware. I will do my best to prove my love to you."
-"I dont want to lose you so I will do what it takes."
-"I want to acknowledge that I know you could have walked away from me after all that i did to you I am forever thankful that when you love someone, you chose to pull through and support them when they are weak and down. I truly love you with all of my heart and I am going to do the work to make this work."
-New Years Day she comes clean and tells me she cheated on me, never went to Reno, never saw Kate, that it was premeditated, that her phone was working, and also that she had sex with him throughout our three year relationship(beg+end), went to Tahoe with him previously, and many dates
-i am ****ing crushed, devastated and never thought she would chose to hurt me.
-after her light hearted apology, and me coming to her house for support and her literally telling me the cops are on the way and to leave, she does very little in showing me that she is truly sorry.
-Pulls me back in, with cookies, sex, bathes me, begs for forgiveness, huge amounts of affection, promises and tells me that we are going to take a 30 day break monday and both of us evaluate the relationship after the fact. Tells me how much she loves me, how she never meant to hurt me and that she would never hurt me intentionally. Just as I am starting to trust and forgive her.
-the next morning I ask her the simple question: "do you now realize the effect emotional walls have on a relationship?"
She blows a rod, gets super defensive and we start arguing. I can't stand it so I leave.
A couple hours pass, and she texts some things, and I basically said, "look give me a break, you just told me you cheated on me, and that you are doing a 90 day no contact breakn(clearly looking back was just a polite way of saying **** off)."
I send some texts about her planning something for the weekend for us as she hasnt planned anything in 17 months, some silly videos to break the ice, and a picture of her on the cover of maxim. Not an over excessive amount at this point, but given all that she did to me I felt I deserved to express my voice, especially when she has no problem expressing her own.
and I am still a little angry about everything and vulnerable.
We go back and forth a little bit nothing extreme.
I ask if she has the charger to my drill that she borrowed, she is short non responsive and ends almost every text with "ill get back to you."
I ask if she is home, and if my dad and I could swing by to grab something.
She doesn't respond for a good 2 hours.
I call her no response.
Call again, no response.
She leaves me with "well guess what?"
and than she literally disappears.
This brought up old feelings because last time she disappeared she was in tahoe ****ing some guy 2 months ago.
She knows I absolutely hate being ignored, but she does it anyways. Especially when she is the one who ****ed up!!!
4 hours of no response and 6 texts from me, I send:
"if you are with Br**** than do not respond."
No response, as I am awake all night literally sick to my stomach, thinking the worse. It literally brought me back to the same unsettling feeling when she was in "reno." She knows I hate being ignored.
Text her again at midnight, no response
ask her again, if you are with another man than dont respond.
no response.
Dont here from her so I drive by her house. She locked her self in there all blinds shut, with her friend.
ring the door bell once
doesnt answer
so I leave and send a mountain of texts and post a website stating the facts, displacing huge amounts of hurt/anger through words.
I try calling her, emailing every form of communication. never violent or aggressive. I try calling from other numbers.
im just trying to communicate with her.
she has cut all communication.
she is gone all weekend.
and I am left under the impression that she is with another man.
she puts up this massive wall and completely ignores me, and makes me feel like a complete waste of her time.
I feel so worthless and dont understand how she can spend 3+ years with someone and than chose to hurt me.
When I started asking her on friday if she was with this man, she made a conscious decesion to not respond, knowing that it would hurt me...Right?
I know if I loved someone and just hurt them that bad, the last thing I would want them to think is the worse.
finally I hear from her 4 days later after she basically tells me, "ill cut you some slack, I was with friends all weekend. stop making stuff up you crazy."
than when I think that it couldn't get any worse she does the unthinkable:
she is filing a restraining order which would get me 6 months in jail, as this is now number 3.
i have never been a violent person, or have hit or harmed anyone. I have never raised my voice to her in 3 years.
she goes and stays at friends house, telling all of her friends and family that i am this crazy, violent asshole.
Tonight, I extend a nice email and text, making amends for trying to communicate with her, and saying some mean words.
she completely ignores me.
I ask what papers she filed for the restraining order as it has my family and I worried sick. My 70 year old mom is literally having a breakdown
she ignores me
i feel like a bad person, for how shity she treated me. and to end it like this.
any feedback would help.
and if i am wrong somehere in this please tell me so that i can be aware and try and better the situation and myself.
thank you world.
-a broken man
