Worried about how cold and nasty sometimes

Hi,

This is my first post on here. I really need some advice about my relationship with my partner. We’ve been together about 5 years and have two children. An amazing daughter (3 years) and a lovely new born son.
Firstly, I’d like to say, she is a great mother. But unfortunately she has mostly always just been a total nasty, selfish and horrible person to me. To her friends and work colleagues she is a very kind, caring, compassionate, funny woman who would do anything for anyone.
Quite often to me she is the opposite – selfish, cold, unaffectionate, spoilt, bitter, unthoughtful – the list goes on. I’ve noticed now and then she can be slightly similar to her family as well. I sometimes get genuinely worried about how someone can literally be as cold and nasty and have such little empathy towards someone (i.e me) as she does. Especially to someone she’s meant to love. She has pretty much been like this since we met. She once chilled out a lot and became a lot more reasonable when she was first pregnant with our daughter. As soon as she was born and the lack of sleep started happening she was back to her old nasty self. She’ll quite often do something pretty nasty to me but will never, ever apologise. I think she’d prefer to chop her right hand off than have to ever apologise or admit she’s been bad.
For the first half of the relationship, I think I was a pretty good boyfriend. I did a lot for her. Taking her out for dinner, buying flowers, surprise presents, whisked her away on expensive holidays, caring, compassionate etc. She’s never put any effort into us or me, since day one. Literally, she’s never done anything thoughtful or nice for me for as long as I can remember. However, I’ve often told by her that I don’t do enough for her.
So for the first 2/ 3 years or so I put up with it all, didn’t want to rock the boat and tried to talk things through and be nice with her. After that, I gave up. There’s only so long I could be treated like a door mat. I now argue back, don’t take all her crap, and she doesn’t like it.
So the last couple of years I haven’t put as much effort into us (I still put a lot more in than her – which isn’t hard as she puts literally NO effort in). I don’t take her out as much, do as many nice thoughtful things for her as I just think why should I as it’s always been completely one way. So that doesn’t go down too well. Now I get it thrown back to me that I’m a rubbish boyfriend and get compared to other people’s boyfriends, who always turn out to be perfect in every way.
Apart from how bad she can be, I’m just truly baffled (and slightly scared) at how truly horrible she can be sometimes and the blatant double standards that go on in our relationship. How cold and uncompassionate she can be? It’s literally just sometimes off the scale. It’s actually got to the point of me thinking there’s something wrong with her, mentally. I thought for a while she suffered from narcissistic personality disorder as she literally has no empathy to me and some other people. She can be so cold and horrendously horrible and just think nothing of it, there’s just nothing behind her eyes when she says/does this stuff. I’ve never met anyone with such little empathy. But then at the same time she has a lot of empathy for our children and other people, which I think potentially blows the NPD theory out the window.

I just don’t know what to do. She can make my life a misery and sometimes a really hate her. She often makes it tricky to see my family and friends and I feel like I’m getting cut off from people.
At the same time, I believe deep down she has major issues going on with her that she knows about but can’t face up to. I think she knows she can be a total nasty b*tch to me but can’t ever admit it to me or to herself as that would mean having to face up to being this monster that she quite often is. She’d rather split up than admit how she can be, even if she was completely in love with me. She refuses relationship counselling and can never talk about things – everything’s always made out to be my fault.
I know from reading this people will most likely say just leave her and be amazed I’m still with her. I guess I’m just obviously on here stressing about all the bad stuff. There is good stuff too and she can be funny and good to talk to etc. But also a BIG reason not for leaving is I’m petrified that if we split up I know almost 100% she’ll get proper nasty and do everything in her power to stop me from seeing the kids and turn them against me. My kids are my life! I love them more than anything in the world and to not properly seem them a lot would literally kill me!!
I just need advice or suggestions how we might be able to sort things out. I think I do love her, we've been through so much together and I feel it’s important to sort things out if possible because of our children. Does anyone know how I might get her to open up more, admit to some of the things she does? Or if people have any thoughts as to why she’s like she is? I almost felt a huge relief when I thought she might suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder as it seemed to answer so many questions about why’s she’s like she is and some hope as to how I might go about making things better. Funnily enough, I think she actually does love me.

I’m sorry, this is a long post so really, REALLY appreciate anyone who’s taken the time to read it all and offer any advice.

Many thanks in advance for any advice!

She was like this when you met? You have shining night syndrome. This tells me you have a passive, sweep the issue under the rug kind of personality and you feel with kindness and reliability to her, you will rescue her and try to fix her. Now here you are years later, need deep in a crappy marriage with 2 little ones which gives you even more to worry about. She obviously suffers from depression, and maybe some psychological problems that stemmed from her childhood, hence her behavior towards her family.

You need to gently have a discussion with her about getting her some help, but please make sure you included yourself in this therapy as well. Assure her that you will do this together, and be very supportive.