Warning: long story... just want to know if he will come back?
I'm 30 years old Hong Kongn woman. I met this 38 years old guy, Rob, in a pub in November 2011. I treated him as a rebound after I broke up with my ex-fiancé. We had fun at the beginning but he broke up with me a month later as he thought I was too young and inexperienced on bed (well, I changed later, obviously). We reconciled back again after a couple days (I talked him back). I started moving in some of my clothes and stayed overnight for a few days a week to spend more time together. Things were getting a bit serious. He had not talked about breaking up ever since.
Incident 1:
In March 2012, he flew to the UK to attend his father's 70th birthday party. I called him on the evening he flew and checked if I could swing by his place to see the kitty. He told me he would have a maid to take care of the kitty over the weeks when he’s away. Due to miscommunication over the phone, I thought I was allowed to swing by before the maid came. When I opened the door, I found all my stuff, like shampoo and clothes were replaced by other woman’s. I was so shocked and I called him. He rushed back from the Airport Express station and shouted at me. He said I wasn't allowed to come over and now I knew everything. It’s time to break up. I cried all the way from his home to the subway. I still remembered people looking at me like with shocked. It’s so humiliating. I was heartbroken. He agreed to talk about it after his trip. I waited for two weeks – the longest two weeks in my life ever.
He told me Anna’s a maid he met when he first moved to Hong Kong 5 years ago. He dumped her as she’s not presentable and could not bring her out to meet with his friends. But he’s on and off with her during these years even he’s in relationship with other women and he is also financially supporting her. He also said he had commitment issue that he dated girls for 6 months at maximum and in between he would go to the red light district. In fact he had just stopped going to the red light district after he got redundant in 2008. He got a new job in 2009 and he's careful on spending after that. If he got the money again, he would go back there as frequent as before.
I cried so much and devastated when I heard that. It’s like someone grabbing your heart tightly. It's like a huge rock landed on your heart that you couldn't breathe. But I believe he had changed since I met him. He's completely honest to me whenever I asked him anything. Again, I trusted him and I took him as a combo - both good and bad.
Anna’s still in the picture but she found out about us and at the end, unexpectedly, she left Rob. Rob came back to me. I was really surprised Anna left and so as Rob. He’s still financially supporting her. He treated it as donating to a charity.
I told him I accepted that and all I want was he staying with me. After that we got on well, very well. He asked me to move in if I wanted to, but I refused as I knew he wanted freedom. So we kept our schedule as before – stayed overnight for a few days a week and spent weekends together. We had been traveled together. We had lots of memories and fun.
Incident 2:
However, I got a job offer in the States. It’s a 2.5 year contract job. I applied for it awhile ago in February 2012 when he broke up with me. At that moment, I just wanted to be away from Hong Kong, a place where gave me a broken heart.
When he found it out, he encouraged me to go and said it would be good for my career. I hesitated. He said we would be on a break and see how things going after 1.5 years. No guarantee but he’s opened to any option. I still hesitated. Time is counting down – I’m not sure if it’s a right decision but I processed my visa application anyway. I thought if we could go through this, we’re meant to be.
Incident 3:
As approaching my departure, I found him a bit weird – he’s not a tech guy but he’s on what’s app most of the time. He very seldom used that with friends. He only had me and a handful of people on the contact list. But I found out he’s online but not chatting with me. I suspected something and asked. He confessed he’s in contact with his ex-gf, Tiffany, as she sought his advice over her new relationship. Tiffany was a crazy girl – when they broke up, she harassed him by Facebook messages, emails and phone calls. She put his details on gay websites and sent emails to all his friends. She turned up his office and got escorted from the building. He said he thought she’s changed and no romance between them anyway, she’s just a friend. I didn’t like it but I respected him. I trusted him. Well, love is all about trust, right?
September 2012, 2 months before I flew to the States, was the most horrible time in my life. On 9-11, we had lunch together as usual then he said he would have to meet with his UK buddies in the evening. Next day, we had lunch in his home and I saw long hairs lying everywhere, literally, everywhere. He told me it’s from his shoes as he walked around with them in the house last night. Then I went to the bedroom and found hairs on the bed. He couldn’t deny it anymore – he admitted it’s from a prostitute. He went to the red light district after meeting his UK buddies. I was despair. I cried and cried and cried. At the end, I told him I accepted that.
A few days after that 9-11 prostitute incident. I got his call in the midnight. He's arrested and got charged of common assault. I arrived at his apartment and policemen were there. He invited Tiffany to visit and she went nuts when she saw my photos in his cell. She trashed the flat and they were in a fight. Police involved and at the end I lend him $500 to bail himself out. I was so devastated. Words fail me. I don't know how to describe my feeling. I stayed in the police station until 3am when he told me it's pointless and I should just go home. I met him next day and requested the entire whatsapp conversation log on between him and Tiffany. With the time stamped on each line of conservations, I found out he chatted with her when we're hiking. I was just away for a couple minutes to the loo and he managed to start conservation with her, to comfort her, to tell Tiffany he's not going to cheat on me as he wanted to prove to her he'd become good. Rob said he contacted Tiffany again because he would be lonely after my departure. He wanted company.
He said I gave him too much freedom; he needed discipline and couldn’t control himself. I decided it’s time to move in and be with him all the time. In my final couple months in Hong Kong, I was very very very happy, in fact, it’s the happiest time since I moved back from Australia. Rob told me I managed to kick out two women in his life and I melt his heart.
Finally:
After my arrival in the States, we still have contact and he's still assured me we could be back as before when I return. He’s prepared to be in contact. Just after a month I left, he met a 40 years old Singapore woman, Edith, via a friend. He told me he fell for her. Just a couple weeks after the relationship, he ceased contacting me and said it’s over and I should move on. He likes her and he is sort of moving to her place with the kitty. He told Edith everything about me, he shared with her a voicemail message I left for him. He once promised to visit me in summer but he said it’s not going to happen anymore.
Rob said she knew his past and his issue but didn’t have any problem with that. In fact, I accepted all his past and his issue and he told me the same thing before.
But my whole world shattered.
I admitted I contacted him often since my departure which had annoyed him. I came to the States because I would like to speed up my career progression to match up with his. Everything is a lie. I know we had only been together for a year. But he melts my heart. I wasn’t a sporty person but I learned to play squash and surf after we’re together. He motivated me to do things that I had never tried before – not even my ex-fiancé could have done. Rob said we didn’t click because he couldn’t understand me easily (he said we clicked before!). I sometimes spoke broken English so he had to guess what I was talking about. I did that because it could draw his attention to me. It sounds silly but it’s so much fun when we laughed about it each time. I don’t know what happen and how to move on. I have never been attracted to a guy. No one has ever motivated me to do anything but Rob.
I’m thinking to quit my job and move back to Hong Kong. It sounds stupid but being alone here (I tried to date someone else but it didn’t work, all I’m thinking is Rob) triggers my depression. Feel so hopeless and despair. I’m just wondering… why would he move on to a 40 years old when he promised me so many things? All the time we spent together was marvelous. He told me he loved and cared for me. For the past year, he only hanged out with me but not even his friends because I was the person he could rely on and trust.
Everything falls apart and I’m stuck here all on my own. Rob’s not my first relationship but I never felt it this way.
What should I do? Move on? Wait for him? Will I have a chance? He may still just date her for 6 months. I'm so devastated. Never thought I would fall for a guy like this.
