Our relationship doesn't feel real

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31-01-13, 07:22 PM
qwertyu

Our relationship doesn't feel real

Hi, sorry for this being my first post but I just wanted to sign up somewhere to get people's opinions.

In the two year relationship I've had with my boyfriend, I end up crying every few months and trying to solve something with him. It always boils down to the fact that he either doesn't pay attention to me or doesn't show me affection. We have never slept in the same bed because he says he can't fall asleep with someone else in the same bed as him. He has never once told me he loved me except when I tell him I love him first. I am almost always the one to initiate sex - if I don't initiate it then I often have to wait a very long time before he comes to me for it. When he does his own thing in his room and I come in, he seems annoyed that I'm there, as if my presence is somehow detrimental to the work he's doing or to the video game he's playing. On occasions I would come to his room naked and lie on his bed and he would completely ignore me because he was doing work.

Now don't get me wrong - I know he loves me very much. He just literally cannot tell that something is wrong until I come to his room crying. Whenever I cry he suddenly becomes more passionate, he hugs me, asks me what's wrong, and tells me he will try to change whatever is bothering me. So he's changed a bit now - I can come to his room and he wouldn't look annoyed even if he does work. However, I know that when he does that then it's for my own benefit and not his. I still don't feel comfortable in his room because I know that he just tries to seem nice to make me feel better.

Here's the thing - I love this guy so much. He changed my life for the better in so many ways. Before I met him I was a wreck and he helped me get an education and get away from my past life. I know our relationship is not normal, but I'm terrified to sometimes bring some problems up because I am physically incapable of talking about our relationship problems without crying. I'm terrified that he will think that if I cry too much, then maybe he doesn't make me happy and that we should break up. Breaking up is literally the last thing I want to do, but I don't know what I could say to make him appreciate my presence more. I just want to lie with him in bed and cuddle until we fall asleep, and then wake up next to each other. I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long post but any advice would be appreciated.
31-01-13, 08:59 PM
Rowen

In a situation like yours, maybe it's best to get a little distant. I'm not sure if you've tried it already, but once he sees that you're aloof, maybe it'll put a little fear into him and draw him closer? If it only makes him get distant, then I'd say it would be grounds to sit down and have a serious talk about how he feels in this relationship. But in that talk, you need to control yourself as best as you can... Just take some deep breathes and remember that if he cares he won't leave.

However, you also need to realize you are the master of your own fate. If you two should ever (God forbid) break up, you don't have to return to the life that you lived before. It's all choice...he's not deciding whether you live your life like you did before or whether you live it like now. You have the personal strength to make it all happen. Just remember that.
01-02-13, 12:14 AM
Boisdevie

Look, it really is simple.
1. You tell him what you're not satisfied with and what changes you need to see in the relationship.
2. He makes the changes you want and everyone gets to live happily ever after or
3. Things don't change and you end the relationship.
01-02-13, 12:28 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

I just want to lie with him in bed and cuddle until we fall asleep, and then wake up next to each other.

Even if he does that for you, you'll still not be satifyed because you'll think he's only doing it to get you to stop whining... which he will be. It's YOU that needs to change if you want to be happy with this introverted, knight in shining armour that you've allowed yourself to become addicted to. He does not like sleeping in the same bed with you, he's indifferent to you now that you no longer need "fixing" ~ You like sleeping in the same bed with him, you want him to continue to dote on you like he did when he was rescuing you... that makes you both fundamentally incompatible in the affection department.

I think the minute you get some attention from some other guy, you will be all over that like white on rice. Without marriage councelling and a complete overhaul of the man you are with and the women within, you are going to be one unsatisfied chickie poo no matter what changes he tries to implement within himself for YOU..