Complicated love story. Worth the read. Male and female views and advice welcomed.
Hi everyone. I have a complicated situation I find myself in. I cannot truly understand it and therefore, I open it to the floor. Any help is much appreciated. What is below may be long but I guarantee you it is worth the read and like something you havent read much of before.
Im a 24 yr old post graduate with a decent living arrangment. I am a very social person who doesnt have much problems when it comes to girls. Im in control of my emotions for the most part, but, until recently, I found myself in a bit of a bind. I am caught thinking about this one girl from high school I never got to meet.
This girl was very into me. I used to catch her take any opportunity to look at me. She used to stare at me as I walked by. Sometimes, she would say it out loud in class. I heard her best friend say "He (me) is all she talks about".
In my eyes, she was a perfect 10. I, too liked her and would think about her often. I wanted to talk to her and even ask her out on a date.
But, alas, I coudnt. I was suffering through a very harsh life at the time. My after school life was hell. My parents would constantly fight, my father had serious anger issues. He suffered from a heart attack . Even when he got back on his feet, it really wasnt the same. he lost his job and worked in a very low profit job. I was very poor. I lived in a crappy neighborhood in NY and knew almost no1 because all my friends moved away to a much better neighborhood far away. I was super lonely. I would barely buy anything for myself. I could barely pay for food for myself. Taking this girl out on a date would have been considered a luxury. I was going through hell. As a result, my self-esteem was destroyed. I was too embarrassed to be around ppl as I was deprived of the many things kids my age at the time enjoyed. I only made friends with a bunch of nerds who knew nothing about life, all they knew was video games and yugioh cards and what not.
Everytime she would look at me or give me signs she was into me, I would ignore her and act as if she didnt even exist. I would act as if I wasnt interested in her at all but i didnt show it too well. She knew all along I liked her back because I would look at her alot. She was very beautiful, my perfect 10. I heard her tell one of her friends about me to which he said " why doesnt he just talk to you". Surprisingly, she was still interested in me throughout her many bf's she had when she saw i wasnt making a move. I was too embarrassed to say anything. Days passed by and my embarrasment didnt cease. I didnt make any attempts or moves on her. I didnt even take her to the prom, I just knew she wanted me to. I didnt go to the prom but she went alone when she could have gone with any other guy. I would spend as little time as I could in school and take care of my after school life and family. I couldnt just be friend with her either cuz she was very flirtatious.
When my world was upside down and I felt hopeless and destroyed. Thinking about the attention she used to give to me made me feel much better. I used to have hope one day we would be together. One day my problems would be over and I can be with her. She used to give me hope and help me through those tough times. I knew she had hope in me.
I still remember High School graduation rehersals, she would keep her eyes on me alot. I was so surprised that after 3 years she was still interested but even then I used to ignore her and look away and try to stifle any emotions i had of her. The very last day about 2 weeks after rehearsals, I saw her walk down the street and I was behind. Usually in those scenarios, she would look back at me. But, this time it was much different, I felt as if she didnt even care about me at all. That was the last I ever saw of her. Two years later, while i was in college, i thought of her and thought of how she stuck to her itnerest me in for so long. I realized, perhaps, it may have been love. I then fell in love with her. I wanted to meet her at any cost as my situation was getting better. There was absolutely no way of contacting her, she didnt even have a facebook. It was okay because for the next 3 years I focused on my studies and graduated. I didnt think of her as much but she did cross my mind sometimes. I just felt really bad about what I did.
5 years later. Last month she made a facebook account and now I have my means of contacting her. Although, I prefer face to face interactions, this is the only way i can talk to her. I feel I must talk to her. I dont think of talking to any other girl and I feel, unless I talk to her I can never progress. This message can change my entire life. All my previous family and money problems I mentioned before have completely gone. Things are very good now.
Im not attracted to her on her looks only, im more interested in her role she unknowingly played in my life especially in those dark times. Im impressed by her courage and her attention she gave to me even for 3 whole years of me showing no interst in her other than occasionally looking at her. She was an inspiration to me and a hope for a better life.
Therefore, I ask you all for help and advice. I emphasize more on a female perspective for obvious reasons. Please help me answer the following questions.
1.) Based on what I wrote about her behavior, was she in love with me or simply had a crush on me? Was I her first love?
2.) If you were this girl would you accept me back into your life?
3.) Do you think she forgot me?
4.) Was I an asshole for being embarrassed about my situation and therefore, never talking to her.
5.) What can I say in this message, especially after waiting so long. 5 whole years have gone by.
6.) Am I in love?
7.) Should I bother to message her? I most likely kill my inner emotions and move on.
8.) Is this even a little romantic?
Thank you
