Come here needing advice

Im 35 years old. Ive been together with my wife a total of 16 years and married for 10 of them. We started dating in highschool and have been together since. 4 years ago we had our first child, a beautiful girl, followed by a boy a few years later. Everything, from a family perspective has been amazing and Im extremely happy.

6 years ago, my wife informed me that she was having an affair with my best friend. She said it lasted for approx 6 months and was over. There was a lot of pain and grieving, counseling, more counseling. Things got better, we where communicating a lot more, which was pretty much non-present previously. We worked on issues we where having and for the most part have becomes closer and stronger as a couple. But, Im sure like a other out there that have been cheated on, it gets better but never goes away. Its hard because I love my wife so much and we really are best friends, but there are always times Im reminded of the incident and it resurfaces in my conscience. The jokes about someones' partner cheating are no longer funny but personal, TV shows or movies that touch on the subject still strike a chord. Every time my wife had to leave or asked to go out had me worried and constantly wondering what she was doing. I understood that I couldnt keep her captive, but to regain all those years of trust is extremely hard, if not impossible.

What also made this period extremely difficult was because of the relationships of my friends it all hit me at once, my wife had been cheating with my best friend, I couldnt talk to him because I wanted to pound his face in (I had several reoccurring dreams of this happening...). I couldnt talk to my other friend because he was best friends with the douche and decided it was more important to stay friends with him. I had no one to talk to.

We come a long way since then. Things are much better. We have our fights but we always end up talking it out and they dont seem to be about the same things all the time. They are mostly constructive fights and not hurtful - a lot of venting at loud volumes.


The reason I come here is because of bedroom issues. Ive posted a lengthy first post in the Marriage section hoping someone here can help me out. I really enjoy sex, but I find its always lacking on my wife's part. When we are having sex, my goal is about her, trying new things, making sure she is pleasured. I find I dont get this from her. I feel its more of a job or chore rather than a shared activity.

So, hopefully you can help me figure this out.

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