I really messed up, but I'm trying to fix it...What do you think?
So, long story short, I met my boyfriend and another guy at the same time. I was deeply in love with my boyfriend, but so many things in our relationship changed to the point where we were both very different people. I was to the point where I was about to break up with him, but I wanted some advice. I ended up talking to my other friend Josh for a while about what was going on, and he would try to give me advice. Most of the time it was helpful, but I noticed I was starting to fall for him, and him for me. At the time, things were really crappy between my boyfriend and I and I didn't really have feelings for him at that time. Meanwhile, I felt like I was falling for Josh. Josh finally talked to me one day and told me he was madly in love with me and he tried to kiss me. I turned my head because it felt wrong to kiss him, but I know inside I wanted to.
Then one really bad night, I went over to his house and was crying about my boyfriend issues. We talked and then we watched a movie to get my mind off everything, then after it we talked some more. I was so happy and we were laughing about something and then I turned my head toward him and noticed he was really close to me, then we looked into each others eyes and I kissed him...
I didn't have sex with him or anything (in case you were wondering). We made out and it ended at that, but I felt so sick afterward and I realized what I had done. I left and brewed on the incident for a while...
I decided that I would do everything I could to be closer to my boyfriend and I would be fully committed to working things out with him, because even though things SUCKED, I knew I loved him and wanted US back and it was something worth saving.
For about 1.5-2 months of working on things, our relationship greatly improved, but at the same time I felt sick inside for what happened between Josh and I. I decided to tell Blake what happened (Blake is my boyfriend by the way).
I was terrified, but I knew he needed to know.
It was hard and painful, but he got through it, and I got through it. I let him know my intentions toward Josh and that I wouldn't talk to him anymore.
We decided we both loved each other and that we wanted to be together still.
This all took place a year ago.
I had told Josh to not try to talk to me after that, but unknowingly he was pretending to be some girl on facebook in order to talk to me. I realized it later and called him out on it and I stopped talking to him again. I also told my boyfriend about the incident.
But Josh had kept making weird public posts on facebook which were all basically directed at me, and I knew he was on some level trying to communicate with me still and that he was still in love with me and basically obsessing about me every day. I saw a bunch of posts dated for each day, all quotes that were trying to tell me to leave my boyfriend for him.
Now mind you, I love him as well, but more because I care about him. He was a really good friend of mine, so it hurts losing him like this.
I finally texted him and told him to please delete his fake profile, and he did.
BUT NOW he is posting those kinds of things on his real profile, despite my hints at there being no chance for him and me. I thought it was clear enough to see.
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My idea was to write him a very CLEAR letter in order to get the point across. I was going to post it below and see what you all think about it. Let me know if it's too much information, just right, or if I should change it in some way. Thank you! It really helps!
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Josh,
I know how you feel about me, and I care about you, but I want to be with Blake. I have to choose one of you, and I choose him.
I love him and I want to continue being with him.
For a time, I thought Blake and I were going to break up, and I feel like I messed things up by letting myself get close to you. I hurt you, myself, and him as well. The fact was that I was still together with him and I realized what I had done too late. I wanted to make things work with him, but I had already made things complicated between us all. Im sorry you got hurt in the middle of this, and Im sorry theres nothing I can/will do to help you.
I love Blake, and I want to be with him. I feel that he and I are compatible. I know he loves me, and our relationship has gotten much better as well. Blake and I have both changed for the better and we are doing great. We also have grown together as well.
It does hurt me to know you hurt, but my decision is made.
Because of what I have done, I know I cannot be friends with you. I can care about you, but I cannot interact with you after this. It would not be fair to Blake.
I have wrote all this to you so that Im understood, and that you know my feelings and intentions, and so hopefully you can know this and let go (in turn letting go of holding onto pain). You cant just hold on, otherwise you hurt yourself, so please dont.
What would make me happy is to see you happy with someone, truly happy. That would bring me some peace.
Blake and I have been through so much together: good things, bad things, lots of growth and learning, bonding, etc. After all this, I cannot imagine being without him. I can only see myself with him.
Maybe you and I havent been around each other long enough for me to feel that way, but Ive been coming to terms to being without you: no talking, writing, and only occasional Facebook check-ins (me viewing your page), and occasional Facebook posts visible to you on my end (only for the sake of knowing how each other is doing on an occasional basis: about every 1-6 months).
I truly believe that Blake and I have a lot of potential together (otherwise I wouldnt pursue the relationship). We love each other and we both want to work together, grow together, learn together, and be together. I believe he is good for me, and I have been feeling this way for a while now.
My emotions have been confusing, and much has changed over the course of this past year, but I am sure now of how I feel and why.
Im sorry that my own confusions have led to you having pain, which I never wanted.
Im sorry if I had ever gotten your hopes up, only for them to crash again.
Im sorry that I didnt know myself well enough to understand myself and the situation I was in.
I just hope things get better for you.
And I did want to throw this thought out:
Even IF Blake was okay with us being friends, it wouldnt work well. It would feel awkward, weird, and in a lot of ways inappropriate.
Plus, if you still did hold any feelings inside for me, they would show. It wouldnt matter how good of an actor you were, the subconscious responds to emotions and they show through either way. Those emotions would manifest into something.
Furthermore, I wouldnt know how to feel/act/be around you. I wouldnt even know if I could trust my own judgment either. I dont quite feel like I am aware enough in myself to trust it fully.
Im trying to be faithful physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe when it comes to spiritually, everyone is connected to everyone else, and some more than others. I believe that in this case that its not healthy for me to feed the connection that you and I currently have. The only thing I feel I can do is peacefully and lovingly walk away. That is what I am trying to do.
So I ask you, to try not to think about me much, dwell on me, or feed thoughts in your mind about me. Let me go
Dont try to dream of me, project thoughts at me, feed emotions about me, etc. Doing those things will only hurt you longer. I know its not always possible, but when you begin to notice that you are and become aware of it, then you can change it.
The less you hold on, the less it will hurt. The more you hold on, the more it will hurt. So please dont hurt.
I know how you think, how much you think, and how it affects you when it comes to almost obsessively thinking (especially in regards to me) so that is why I am saying this to you.
It hurts to know you hurt, so please let go.
I wanted to cover all the POSSIBLE reasons I can for why you might be holding on but shouldnt. The only one I came up with is this:
1) You have hope or the idea that things will change between Blake and I and we would break up and that you will have a chance.
-This possible reason is not valid because Im sure in my decision. I wanted to state this clearly just in case it was an idea you might be holding onto.
My hope in all of this is that the information will set you free in some way. I know it hurts, but I know you are the kind of person who would rather hear the truth than just not knowing. If you were left without knowing, you would hold on and hurt longer which isnt good.
Im trying my best to state my intentions as clearly as I can so I can communicate with you as accurately as possible.
I will be fully parting ways now, including less posts visible to you on Facebook (which will mainly include important life updates, minus the random junk unless its important random junk). Those posts will only be visible because I believe it�s fair to at least have the chance to know that Im doing ok.
Im doing all of this because I believe its the best and only course of action I can take. I hope you understand
And lastly, Im sorry if the way I typed this seems more impersonal and logical. I was trying not to get emotional, and also I wanted to be very clear and concise. I believe that showing my feelings through writing this would only make it harder on you, but I am sorry if it sounded robotic at all. I care about you and I always will, we just cannot connect anymore. Im sorry, but that is how I feel. All that is left now is to say goodbye...
So farewell, and may life bring you peace, joy, and everything you want and need.
Love and Light,
Anna
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Please let me know what you think, or if I should change the letter, or if this is even the right thing to do at all. I just don't know what else to do.
Thank you!
~Anna
