It wasn't supposed to be this way.....
Hi all,
I've been soul searching lately and yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks that I am in love with my best guy friend whom I have casually been seeing for over 4 years now. When we both need a little attention and reassurance, and sometimes ends up with a little one on one....I hate the term FWB. I know, I know....I brought this on myself and should be ashamed but I'm not because it's brought me to the realization of what I wanted in a man. It used to be the great talks and sex, and could walk away unphased, but now it's the great bond, awesome advice, the caring attitude we have with each other. I would do anything for him and vice versa. For instance, I met this guy while out and he happened to be a jerk that was getting too close and very persistent even when I said NO! and made me very uncomfortable, so I wanted to get out of there asap! Due to me not having my ride and out with other people, I was stuck. The only person to call on was him at 2 a.m. No hesitation, very concerned, and drove 30 minutes to come get me. I wish it would have bloomed into something without the sex, but sometimes with women, we let our hearts get involved and would give anything or do anything for that attention when we're feeling lonely. My heart was already involved but not on that level. I loved him as a friend first and foremost and didn't realize how much I actually cared about and loved him until something bad happened.
So here's the story.....
My friend and I met while working together.. We both had gone through a bad divorce and could relate on so many levels. Our exspouses were cheaters so we could talk about bad experiences, our broken hearts, and so on....It turned into a great friendship. I gave him dating advice, he gave me pointers as well. We never were attracted to one another but after 2 years of seeing each other everyday and hanging out frequently with no other attachments, we both became sexually involved. Absolutely awkward! He decided to change jobs for monetary reasons and wound up going overseas as a contract worker. It shattered my world when he left. We talked everyday via IM and webcam and actually became closer even though we were thousands of miles apart. His RR time home was spent with his children, in which I understood whole heartedly. We saw each other occassionally before he left for overseas again....it broke my heart again. Still not actually thinking I was in love with this man, I started dating again but no one compared to him. I measured each guy I saw to him, and would wind up breaking it off after a little while. He encouraged me and stood by my side when I needed him. He came home for good after medical issues involved in his battle with diabetes and ended up having surgery to amputate a toe. I was there for him always and our great times continued. After a few months, he grew distant and started seeing a woman. I acted like it didn't bother me and I always kept a smile on my face. I was losing his attention and our times together talking and being each other's comfort nearly became non existent. Still friends but nothing like before. I went on with my life and he and the woman eventually stopped seeing each other. During this time I had finally gotten used to not having him around all the time and that gave my heart time to search for what our friendship really was. It was no longer me second guessing my feelings for him. I had lost the urge to throw my heart in his face. We became really close again after this and I was put back into that same perdicament. I was blocking my heart from harm and saving a friendship because I was blocking out the fact that I truly cared and loved him and stopped the sex. He never asked and I never said and neither of us tried to initiate. We could never have sex again and I would be his best friend and he said the same. After only 8 months of not having sex, it happened. We became intimate again. This time I started believing that he was who I wanted, who I cared for, wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but the shocking reality of him possibly rejecting me hurt so I kept those feelings at bay and they eventually went away. I swore off those feelings and began acting distant with him. He knew something was wrong and I told him that I felt if the sex, soft kisses even when we weren't intimate, the good morning beautiful texts, continued I would eventually fall in love with him. Eventhough I was lying to myself, I still felt that sick feeling of rejection if I were to tell him. He asked me if all I wanted was sex, conversation, and friendship when I called and reminded me that we will always be friends with or without the sex? I went blank and uttered yes in fear of losing him, and he never gave me chance to tell him face to face. I text him and asked him what that meant and he said, "It was just a question." I want so much to believe that that question was his way of saying, just spit it out....That word "friendship" has kept me holding back each time he says it. He eventually went distant on me, not calling, no texts, but still there if I called or text him. A week or so after this he was admitted to the hospital, I learned from his daughter with complications from his diabetes and wound up having surgery again. Maybe this was his reason of going cold on me, I dunno. I was scared to death but decided to let him get through this whole ordeal first before telling him the news that I had fallen. I went to see him briefly and text to see how he was and yep...still distant. I know he has a lot on his mind, and scared but I just wanted him to know that I will always be there for him. Yesterday I learned that he was being transferred to a much larger hospital over 2 hours away because he contracted MRSA. This is where I am putting it all out in the open....I am so afraid of losing the one person that means everything to me. I am so scared of him never knowing how I really feel, how I would do anything to make him the happiest man in the world. I can't tell him now because I want him to focus on his health and getting better. I would give up everything I ever had to have him just get better and be well. Deep down I love him but more importantly he's still my bestfriend. I don't know what I would do if I lost him and don't even want to think about it. Sorry for such a long post but venting here seems to be my release at the moment since he's over two hours away. What should I do? Im lost here.....
