Please, I need help. This is the most confused I've ever felt.
(sorry this is so long but I'm desperate)
Hello everyone,
I'm 20 year old girl in college, and I'm in the largest, most confusing relationship predicament I've ever been in. It all started when I met this guy online. He lives in California and we really hit it off, so he flew down to where i live (Manhattan) to see me after about a week or two of talking. We got along really well, but ever since the first visit I'd felt a tiny nagging in the back of my head that made me feel uncomfortable with him. I wrote it off to the situation being strange and the fact that he is actually somewhat of a celebrity (I was a fan of his). So, I felt strangely, and felt it was hard for me to judge how I felt because taking off the celebrity glasses is a little harder than it seems. But, I knew I liked this guy enough to keep trying, because I mean we'd only talked for a couple weeks. So, he flew back home after a couple days hanging out and making out and what have you, but this first time he really freaked me out saying I might have this skin disease and that I was having rashes. And it just put a bad taste in my mouth for some reason. You probably shouldnt do that the first time you meet someone? =P So after he flew back, I talked to him about it because it was bothering me and we promised to be honest to each other. Despite the talk, I couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my head, which was weird because I'm not that judgmental at all. But, again, I wrote it off and we kept talking. So after a couple more weeks he visited again, this time for a week. And so, the first couple of days were really really awesome, but by the end of the week something definitely totally felt off, not even just with me but between the both of us. And so we talked about it, because it was bad enough to be nagging at me to give me stomach pains and the inability to eat (i don't know what that could be from. anxiety? discomfort?)
But needless to say, we both felt really off and I think i got a bad impression because we were both just being lazy and when I was with him, the discomfort was bad enough sometimes that I had to force myself to feel like I could do things with him besides sit around in our hotel and order pizza. But, there were good times enough and i was so sure that it was again, just the initial discomfort of the fact that he was somewhat famous, that I wrote off the discomfort and kept going. But what really struck me off was that if I'm being honest, the discomfort and abdominal pain were bothersome enough that there was part of me that felt glad he was gone. And that freaked me out, and made me miss him less than he would miss me (which was a whole lot). But so I just kept writing it off, because we were talking about it and he was helping me with my stomach issues as best he could. He's a very good guy and he cared for me very much. And I did feel for him very strongly, because we got along enough and could make jokes and play games and whatnot. But no matter what I had the nagging that this whole thing was doomed. So, after he left the second time, I again had that feeling of missing him but being glad he was gone and feeling terrible about this.
He came back again after a couple weeks for what would be our two month straight hang out palooza of sorts. We were planning it the whole time, listing things we would play and watch and do and where we would go. We were both very excited, yet nervous from the past times to see if we could get along with each other for 2 months straight. And so he got to manhattan, and things were good. At this point we'd been seeing each other for about 2 and half months. We got a hotel, and hung out in the city for about a week, and this time he brought friends of his (also somewhat renowned) that he had been telling me about and that I was excited to meet. So we all hung out when they got to Manhattan, and that week was pretty awesome. I had been getting the same stomach pains however and the unnamed discomfort from him, and actually a little bit from his friends too. It was in that week together that I lost my virginity to this guy. I felt I was ready and I like him a lot, so I went for it, and it was good. I felt a bit strange, but I thought it was normal. After the week in Manhattan, we went to my parents place for the holidays for about 2 weeks. This started out good, then soon spiralled out to chaos. We were crammed together in a basement for 2 weeks, no ability to really leave or go anywhere, which I was surprisingly much more fine with than he was. But, we spent christmas and new years and such together, and by the end of it, left to go to a convention in another state that he was attending. I brought some friends, and I was gonna get to meet a bunch of his friends he had been telling me about, so i was excited. Keep in mind, this entire time I'm STILL feeling the nagging discomfort and occasional stomach pains. Something just felt off and I couldn't put my finger on it.
So, we went to the convention, had fun even though he got sick and was a bit miserable, and then left finally to go to California. I was finally getting to see his place and where he grew up and all of this stuff. When we got there, I was ecstatic, because I had wanted to visit Cali my entire life. We drove to his place, got food and ate it there, but then suddenly as we were eating...I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere, along with the worst stomach pains and then sudden terrible and negative thoughts about my boyfriend. I suddenly felt like I didn't love him and freaked me out. It felt like I didn't want him there, like i wanted to leave, like things he did annoyed me and like I was trapped. Cute things about him became annoyances and suddenly the way he carried himself became bad to me. And so we talked and the first 3-4 maybe 5 days I was there were absolute hell. I made him feel like shit on accident because he had only ever been nice and caring and accomodating, but stupid me kept feeling these things for absolutely no good reason except for a very strong nagging discomfort and abdominal pain. So, finally, we were able to come to a "conclusion" that if I didn't feel the stomach pain I would be fine. So i took medicine, we went to the doctor and nothing was wrong with me according to them. But so i would keep taking the stomach pills because it felt like maybe they were doing something (i dont know it mightve been a placebo effect). But I was starting to feel better, and what was fueling the fire was how awful I had felt when I had made him extremely upset, and I just couldn't bare to do that to him.
The rest of the month there was much more fun...but the entire time it felt like I had to fight myself mentally and physically to even feel ok and comfortable or happy while I was there. It's just strange, because I KNOW there were times we had that I really enjoyed and had fun doing and was happy, otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around obviously, but at the same time the entire trip was physically and mentally straining and for some unknown reason it was BECAUSE of him. Not anything he was doing or saying (to my knowledge) but just by his presence and being. I felt feelings of strong care and what I thought was love and affection and attraction, but there was just that nagging feeling that I had to mentally suppress to feel okay. So, we had a good time, had sex, played games, worked, hung out with his friends, etc. And finally it came the time to leave...and I had such mixed feeling about it. On the one hand, I wanted to leave, because the pressure and strain of suppressing the discomfort and physical pain was very taxing. On the other hand, my boyfriend is a wonderful person who cares about me and I had actually had genuine fun while I was there. So, regardless of why or what feeling caused it, I cried when I left, and I did miss him, but he definitely missed me much more. He got a little depressed when I left.
And there was a terrible side of me that was relieved to be home because then I could just talk to him on Skype and text him and not feel the pain and discomfort that for some reason I feel from his presence. I could work normally and feel like myself. But the true thing that I was wondering was WHY. WHY was it that this individual in person makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable that it makes me feel like I don't even want to be there or like I don't like things that I used to find cute about him.
So, two weeks had passed since then, I felt strong feelings about him when I dont feel the pressure and discomfort of his presence during this time. But then he came back after two weeks for Valentines Day, and I was genuinely excited for him to be here. I had no stomach pain, I had no discomfort, and everything was feeling good. So when he got here, the first two days were like magic. I felt nothing bad and his presence was only welcomed. We had really good sex because I missed him and he missed me and I felt so attracted to him. However, on the third day...the real shitstorm started.
I woke up that morning next to him with stomach pains and a sudden whirlwind of crazy thoughts, and negativity, and doubts, and feeling like I was trapped. It was like the first days of California except even worse, and it didn't feel like it would go away this time. I internally flipped out. I tried to suppress it, but he could see right through me. We talked and talked but no matter what the feeling lingered, and it became so bad that even just thinking about him or seeing him or hearing him talk gave me such ridiculous pains and negative thoughts that I was scared shitless I didn't love him. I didn't feel like being intimate, I didn't feel like sex, I didn't feel like hanging out, or playing anything, or talking, or ANYTHING with him, and I literally was at a loss at what to do. It was an extremely amplified California incident that wouldnt go away.
It suddenly felt like I didn't care and I had to try and explain to him what was happening. So, we tried to work through it. We headed to a wedding with my family after valentines, and in the airport...i made a huge mistake. I told him all of my feelings and I told him I was afraid I didn't love him anymore. He freaked out, got really angry, and almost left for cali right then and there (understandably so. All he had ever been was supportive and then this happens). So i had to beg him to stay. And he did. We went to the wedding, then a five day cruise with my parents. And that cruise...was the worst thing that had happened to both of us in our entire lives. Our emotions were going so ridiculously up and down and everywhere, and my stomach pains, and discomfort, and negative feelings, and lack of want for intimacy and everything just got so jumbled to shit that by the end of it we both had no idea who we were anymore. And so, at the end of the cruise, we both left to go home. And now here I am. We've been talking, and although at first he wanted to see if I could work through it...it's been a week now and he changed his mind and broke up with me. He said I betrayed his trust and that I need to sort myself out. That he couldn't handle this and that he didn't trust anything I said to him anymore. That he can't afford the stress in his life.
So...now that the novel is done, please, somebody, anybody out there, help me. Tell me if there's any explanation. Anything I can do to salvage this. Or anything to tell me why I felt that nagging discomfort for no reason since the beginning and all the random negativity and all of that. Please. I'm at the end of my rope. If anybody can help, I will be forever indebted to you. I would do anything to make this relationship normal for him. To get rid of the discomfort and pains. This all happened within five months. Is there anything I can do?
