For bearz and ashley and anyone else whod like to read :)
Hey guys.
Just said Id write a little about myself here as a few people have mentioned that I come across as someone who has a perfect life which isn't the case so ill tell you all some things about my life :goofy:
well first of all my mother had me quite young (she was 15) and my grandmother was supposed to help her look after me but my grandmother is a manic depressive/bipolar disorder and she had a nervous breakdown just after I was born. Social services took me away and told my mother she is only allowed supervised access one day a week and will probably never get me back. (In those days-unmarried mothers were really looked down on and the social worker was a snotty nosed cow)
I was in foster care for four years and my foster family were lovely people. They went behind the social workers back and allowed my family to see me unsupervised 2-3 times a week. So I was able to bond with my parents and eventually go home.
I kept in touch with the foster family after that and always looked forward to seeing them. This all caused problems though growing up as I did not know the full story. I thought my parents just didn't want me and sent me away and were forced to take me back.. So I grew up feeling very unloved and unhappy. I fought with my parents a lot and looked forward to seeing my foster parents at the weekend (to me they were my family). I was a miserable child-literally so unhappy. A lot of my memories are bad as there was so many fights and arguments. I was grounded a lot for being cheeky etc.
Fast forward to when I was about ten-I started to be bullied in school. This little boy in my class (lets call him M) thought it would be funny to spill water on my seat and tell everyone I wet myself. I was mortified-distraught. I had anxiety, stress, nightmares, couldn't sleep, I felt humiliated like everyone was laughing at me and then about 5 or 6 girls in my class started being nasty to me-they stole my books etc. This all had a huge impact on myself esteem.
Fast forward to my teenage years. Things at home got a lot worse but school improved. I made new friends and was quite popular in my close circle which made me feel better. I always kept everyone at arms length though- I never told anyone about me being in care etc as I thought they would judge me and once my cousin told my friends and I denied it completely.. He didn't think it was a big deal as my time in care wasn't unhappy or bad but I still didn't want anyone to know. I never told anyone about the awful fights Id have nearly every day with my parents. I felt as if my dad hated me and Id cry myself to sleep most nights and I hated him (literally hated his guts, I used to cut up his pictures etc) I thought he never wanted me and I was just a nuisance and I couldn't wait until I turned 18 so I could leave home. All my friends thought my life was great. They saw that we lived in a nice house (my dad worked his ass off to build us a good home) they presumed we were rich or something and used to say it a lot and it made me angry. Id tell them we are not rich, he worked hard for 12 years to build that house and they have a mortgage like everyone else... it just pissed me off..
Anyway I was obsessed with how I looked the whole way through my teenage years. My self esteem was so low I always tried to look perfect but my clothes were never current enough, my hair never looked nice, my makeup was fixed about ten times a day. I was afraid if I had one tiny little flaw people would think I'm ugly. I was also a size 0 though my teenage years-I was extremely skinny but for some strange reason I thought I was fat.. I never starved myself or anything like that but I thought about it a lot.
My little sister was born when I was 11 and I worshiped her. Shes more like a daughter to me then a sister lol. I love her to bits. I was very close to my cousin Steve and my aunt Jackie and my grandparents and I got a dog when I was like 14 and loved her like a baby. To me these people and dog kept me sane. I also still had my foster parents in my life who used to take me on holidays each year with them and id stay with them at weekends. It was like an escape from reality.
When I was 16-I kinda bonded for the first time with my parents. I remember sitting in the kitchen with them (they were both drunk) and they were telling me my whole life story (in their words) and for the first time I started to realize they didn't put me in care because they wanted to-they had no choice. It made me change the way I looked at everything and things became so much better at home.
Over the next few years I still struggled with the past. I remembered all the fights and it upset me and a part of me still felt unloved. My self esteem was still a little low.. When I was 19 I met Chris and fell in love. I talked to him about everything and for the first time didn't feel ashamed or like I was being judged. He was so understanding and every time I had a stupid argument with my dad-Id get real upset and bring up the past (not to my dad but to Chris). I started college studying sociology and psychology which also really helped me and I became real close to this girl Clodagh and I talked to her about everything too. (She also had a lot of crap in her life and confided in me)
I'm not sure how or when or why but slowly my self esteem got better and better and now I'm not afraid to be seen without makeup, I'm proud of my appearance and my body, I love my family and have forgiven them. I don't think any of it is there fault. I appreciate what I have and try to be positive. I am very close to my whole family now (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) we all get together and have mad parties and were really close. I love them all. I love being a part of my bf family also. They are all good people. Also when I stopped thinking about the bad things-all the good memories came back from my childhood. All the things Id forgotten.
Life still is not perfect. My aunt Jackie passed away (she had cancer, 36 years old) two and a half years ago. It was the worst time of my life. i've only started to feel normal again after that these past 6 months. I still think about her every day and miss her, sometimes cry myself to sleep. My grandad is 80 and for the past 3 years he has not been well. Its hard but we have to get on with it. My dad struggles with an ongoing alcohol problem. Life has gotten too much for him. His dad is sick, sister in law died, best friend died, family torn apart for two years, work was quite due to the recession etc. My little sister has anxiety as she worries about my dad so much, my mother loves him but finds it tough. I have panic attacks and anxiety as I'm terrified of losing someone else. I've even started worrying about losing Chris these past 6 months. When someone dies it just makes you realize that you could lose anyone anytime and I have this awful fear..
But I try to stay positive. I have let go of the anger and hurt as it was only hurting me more and people around me. I just want to be happy and mostly I am. :) All the hurt and pain and the fact Ive overcome it and feel strong shows me I can get through anything and the next pile of shite life throws at me-Im ready for it. Bring it on
Thanks for reading
