Hey all,
Just here to tell me story and ask for any advice or help with the situation.
I'm 27, my fiancé is 23.
We have been together for 5 and a half years.
In August 2012 I stated to notice her behaviour just being a bit different to normal. It's hard to describe anything specific but when you've been with someone for so long you know when they are just acting a bit differently.
She started using the laptop at home a lot more often than normal. Logging on and checking emails etc up to 3 times an hour, very abnormal as she'd rarely use the laptop more than a couple of times a week. When I asked her what she was doing she just said she was checking facebook to see if anything interesting was going on.
I decided to check the laptop (I won't explain how, boring...) and noticed she had changed all her passwords to her FB, email, etc. We have always been open about passwords for that kind of thing and she knows mine and I knew hers.
1st alarm bell started ringing. I managed to get into her email and what I found was not pleasant.
Emails between her and some guy she works with, all very graphic and heart-breaking to read. She had tried to cover her tracks by deleting emails but I managed to recover some.
I discovered that earlier that day when she told me she had to work late to cover for someone she had in fact been having sex with this guy, in one of the spare offices, whilst I was out doing the weekly food shop.
It all kind of clicked in my head and it all just fell into place, all her behaviour and actions were all so obvious and I should have realised sooner.
About a month earlier we'd had a huge argument which just came totally out of the blue. She started shouting at me and being quite generally nasty, saying I’m useless and even childish things like "your clothes are all shit!." Now it made sense, she must have been getting flirty and close to this guy at this time, which she knew was wrong, but was easier for her to justify it to herself and give herself permission to cheat by thinking what she was doing was acceptable if it was all somehow my fault.
I confronted her that night and after trying to deny it she realised I knew too much and came clean and admitted it.
She stated it had been going on for just over 2 weeks and they had sex 3 times. I don't know how long they had been emailing each other etc at work and building up to this however. I also found out this guy was quite a bit older than her (36) and married with a new born son.
After much arguing, crying, shouting etc she said she will end it and it will never happen again etc.
I couldn't help myself either, in my anger found his facebook page, found his wife’s page and messaged her telling her the details. She obviously horrified and her and her husband had their issues but apparently tried to work through it, I believe they are still together.
She insists she doesn't know why she did it, she just did. I have my theories, mainly around the stupid bloody book 50 shades of grey. A few months before I found out, she became totally obsessed with them. Reading them over and over, fantasising about how "amazing it would be if her life were really like that" (her exact words). I feel the books had such an effect on her that she created this idealised world in her mind, from a fictional book, and felt because her life wasn’t like that she was missing out. I truly believe these books were the catalyst that caused the affair. Obviously it can't all have been down to the books but they certainly didn't help. Even her own mother commented on how she seemed to have got tied up in a fictional world she seemed to think could be created in reality. Some of the things I read in the emails between her and this guy also furthered my belief this book was to blame due to the some of the things they had been discussing was along the lines of things that the characters get up to in the books.
Fast forward 7 months and we've had our ups and downs. Few more arguments and things.
I have tried to forgive her and had hoped over time I would feel better but if anything I feel worse. I feel hurt, betrayed and like I just can't trust her.
She still works at the same place and the guy is still there, only an office room away from each other. If we were just living with parents or rented a home I would have ended it and gone our separate ways. One of my biggest issues is we saved hard for over 2 years to build up a deposit to buy our own home. We had only lived there a year before she started this affair.
All our finances are tied, share a car, the mortgage, everything. The financial nightmare to try and sort everything else doesn't even bare thinking about. Hurts that she felt all we’d worked hard for together mattered to her less than having random sex with some guy
The thing I’m not sure about is if I want to carry on and try to work through it or am I only sticking around because I don't want to lose my house. It has been very hard work to get to where we are, I have done a lot of work and invested many many hours and money in the house getting it up to how we wanted it (it was quite dated) and this is how she thanks me…
It's not like she's ever wanted for anything, I’m a great guy, kind, honest, loving and this is the shit I get for it. I feel like she doesn't deserve me at all. I have done nothing but work my ass off for us and she goes behind my back and sleep with someone else.
One of the things I find the hardest is not the affair, it's the fact she believed she wasn't in the wrong. She said she was sorry but she didn't feel guilty for what she did. I don't think I can or want to be with someone who has such little regard to my feelings that the fact she totally destroyed my heart doesn't seem to bother her. She says she loves me still but if she did then she would care about how her actions had hurt me wouldn't she? She has always been a stubborn person, the kind who finds it easier to get angry and shout rather than say sorry even when they know they are wrong. How can you break someone’s heart like that and not care about how much you'd hurt them? And if I hadn’t have found out, how long would it have gone on for?
Apologies for the long story but I felt I had to explain the whole situation.
