I'm hoping you lovely people out there can give me your thoughts on my situation, which I feel like I've just completely lost my way with.
In a nutshell, got together with my husband at work in December 2009, had a daughter together in August 2011 and got married in October 2011. I'm now 31, he's now 42.
Everything seemed to be pretty much fine, I thought, but he walked out on us in October last year (following a big argument). His reason for doing so was that I didn't treat him with any respect, I spoke to him like dirt and I took him for granted. I acknowledged all these problems and have been working on bettering myself (and for me, and my family, and my friends as well as him). He said he needed space, so I gave him that. Then he said we needed to learn to be friends again, as sometimes we spoke to each other in ways in which we wouldn't even speak to our friends (fair point). Then he said we needed to learn not to argue. The he said he would make the decision and come back when he wanted to. Then he said he needed space. Then be friends. Then not argue. Then space. And so on. During this time, he began socialising a fair bit with some new(ish) friends that at 21 - 23 years old (so possibly going through a mid life crisis). He also came and stayed over with me a number of times.
About a month ago, he withdraw almost completely from me. He didn't acknowledge or give any reason for this, just said he was fine when asked. Eventually, he admitted that he was mad with me because I kept talking to my Mum and to his Dad about us, and he had asked me several times not to. We seem to sort it out, although he remained distant. I guess I then kind of lost my patience and told him either we talk about things in terms of trying to get back together or I will file for divorce. I admit, I had no intentions of doing so, it was a threat. He then got really mad and he instructed solicitors to start divorce proceedings; I know this because the solicitors were due to advise me but called me to say they couldn't as he had just instructed them. When I managed to get him to speak to me, he said again that it was because I kept talking to people about us behind his back and because I had in the past lied to him and he couldn't get passed that (I am not aware of any lies and this is the first time he has brought it up). I asked him clearly, several times, if he no longer loved me but he refused to answer the question. I left it at that. Since then, I have no contact with any of his family whatsoever and I rarely talk to my Mum about us.
I let a week or two go by with virtually no contact (only regarding our daughter). We remained amicable when we needed to contact each other. Gradually, over the last two weeks or so, I have begun to try and initiate a bit more; you know, randomly texting and asking how he is, but keeping the conversation brief so as to not pester him. He is responsive to it. And we still work together; I have noticed that he has started to call, email and pop in to see me more frequently regarding work issues, but they are not always necessary (sometimes I think it's an excuse to contact me). However, certainly outside of work, whilst he is responsive to me, he doesn't initiate contact (which he did at the very beginning of all this).
My Mum sat chatting to him on Monday night (she cares for our daughter whilst we are at work) and had the opportunity to ask him how things were with us (remember, as far as he's concerned, we don't talk about him any more). He thought about it for a while and then told her that we are getting on a lot better than we have done for a while. But he still needs to sort out things in his head. He gets scared every time we start to get close again, because I then start to push him and he's just not ready right now. He told her he doesn't like or respond well to ultimatums, she could ask any of his family and they'd tell her the same, so he really didn't like me doing that to him. He never mentioned the solicitors or anything. And then he changed the subject, so she thought better of pushing it.
We had a really positive meeting yesterday, with a number of other colleagues and got on well. Today. I got back to my office from lunch and he messaged me asking if I was in the office this afternoon as he had some papers for me. Firstly, he could have either put them in the internal post, or dropped them off with any of the girls I share an office with. When he came over, he gave me the paperwork and stayed for a while and chatted about random work stuff, but nothing important. He was very.... intense with me? Although the two girls I work along side we chatting with us to, he was paying close attention to me, really focusing on me. He did not act uninterested towards like he has done in the past. He really looked at me, you know, with that kind of burning look that couples do? Eventually he headed back to his own office.
Couple of things to note: I have still not heard from solicitors, so I believe he told them he doesn't wish to proceed right now (when he divorced from his first wife, he did that several times and she ended up divorcing him). He still has stuff at my house. He still has post delivered to my house and he is still at my local doctors. He has not given any indication on Facebook that we have separated and indeed, his Facebook profile had pictures and statuses about us all over it. Oh, and he still pays my loan and TV Licence.
Right now, I'm confused. Surely if it was over, he would have just got on with sorting it all out? You know, get his stuff, let people know, sort the divorce (especially as that's what he said he was going to do). Or is there hope???
