How to proceed or not?

Hi All,

Just joined cos I need some advice..

I have a feeling it may be a simple solution to a complicated situation.. but what to do ? :-(

Ok some back ground.. I am 52 and have been in a stressful situation. My marriage is .. "not good" And it has stressed me enough to put me into hospital with High BP about 1.5 years ago. They had to stop and restart my heart to stop the palpitations. Just by coincidence the procedure was done when I knew that my wife was meeting for the first time with her internet affair in a hotel.

Anyway I have been living is a different city from the rest of the family for the past year. More for my own survival. I don't feel I am too depressed but others say I am .. ( I stay in my room and never come out, I dont sleep well, have lost my job etc) but I really dont think I feel so bad .. ( maybe I do but do not realize it.. frog in a slowly warming hot water syndrome? )

In the past 5 years ( we have not had physical relationship) I have not been interested in any other person.. not really ready for another relationship. However, last weekend we had a small party with a house mate( I am in a room in a house share), and her friends. There was lady 31 years old who I found extremely charming and sweet. And it seems to have stirred feelings i have not felt in dozens of years. I find myself thinking of her for the last few days !..

Now the positive thing about this is I feel more motivated to get out and do things! I have been sleeping better.. I have have been feeling healthier.. And that's only in the last few days!. This "friendship" could have a huge impact on my health both physically, mentally and emotionally. and I want more of it just for may own recovery! I would like to pursue this friendship which would help with my recovery. The question is how to meet with her more often without creeping her out?
Do I just come out and say you are my medicine and would like to meet you more often? I don't really mind if this relation goes no where.. there is a 21 year age gap after all!( she was shocked [expletives removed ! LOL] and thought I was in my early fourties) But I feel that it could be really help me fix my life. would she be happy to just meet up just to help an injured soul knowing that I have a crush on her but she may not be interested at all?. On the other hand she is also in an unfamiliar city like me and looking for company. We could probably go do touristy things together but then I don't want to creep her out !

Heart Flame, Im glad you've found some joy in your life.

I realise that you are living apart from your wife, but you are calling yourself 'married' instead of 'separated'. It's leads me to believe that you still have some type of emotional ties with your wife. But even if I'm wrong, I think it's only fair to any girl that you get this marriage thing sorted out before perusing her. Even if you're mid-divorce, it's better than being still married.

I'm also concerned that you're getting your joy in life from someone other than yourself. Frankly, you'd be in a better emotional place for dating if you are able to find joy without a partner - and let your partner add to what is already a good life.

Lastly...and still related to her being your source of joy.....what happens if/when she moves on from you? I mean, you're not a teen anymore and you know that most relationships don't last. Will you crumble back down into the depths of depression without her? I think it's very likely. And you must remember that this wont only be a problem for you. Most of us who are dating someone who will suffer terribly if we leave stay longer than we want. There's an element of pity or guilt which prevents us from ending things when the time is right. It's not fair to put this on her.

Anyway, lots of blathering from me. But to sum it up, get a divorce and get your life balanced and happy again. Do counselling if you need help. Then you'll be truly ready to get out there and date again.

I agree. I think you should consider counselling. And get the divorce or at least legal separation out of the way. You need closure before you can move on. Im not sure if you can work or not for medical reasons but if you can-you should try to get a new job. That would really boost your confidence again, motivate you and give you a new zest for life. Then with some extra money in your pocket-you could join a few hobbies, get out, meet people, exercise more etc. You just need things to look forward to and stuff to focus on.

I don't think your in a good place right now to meet anyone. You need to focus on healing mentally/emotionally and then you can find yourself a new love-someone who wants the same things in life as you.

Stay strong and look after yourself. I'm sorry for what your wife did to you but I think there is someone better out there for you and in time you will find her

Thanks for your comments B&T,

Re my marriage relationship. I didn't want to get into it but as you may expect its complicated.. I spent many months feeling hurt and betrayed. more recently I have accepted the fact that betrayal occurred and I have to move on.. I have now forgiven her but I cant find a way to get over the trust issue. I don't think I can trust her as she lied when I confronted her and if I didn't have the facts I may have believed her. When I told her of the details she had nothing to say in effect admitting it. We have not spoken on the subject since. I have had counseling. and it has helped. I have almost resolve to end the marraige but she has been making gestures of reconciliation .. she calls weekly to talk for a few minutes. Still I dont think I can trust her again.

With regard to the new lady (we have only spent a few hours together one evening in a group environment). I really don't know how that will go, as I mentioned in my previous post, I don't think I will mind it if it went nowhere. I know that it is a "crush" but these feelings have had such a positive impact on my outlook. I see it as an opportunity to help my recovery. Of course its is totally unfair on her if I just use her for this purpose. "Use" may be too strong a word. I am only looking to provide friendship and company, in return for being near her for a while. There is no chance of me "crumbling" of we meet up for a few times. I am happy to meet up in group activities. Until i get back on my feet again.

The issues I am grappling with are as follows,
1) I am an honest fellow and I find "using" her to aid my recovery slightly dishonest if i don't disclose it to her.
2) If I do disclose it I think it may be too complex for any lady to take.
3) I feel I really need this for my recovery. so the option of asking her out and her rejecting it outright is a huge setback. especially since I think all I need is a few more "sessions" even in a group setting.

Would you think it would be a good idea to write her a message, disclosing everything? what would your reaction be? Would you except some company on those terms? ( we do seem to get along well ). Would it be just too awkward? I should I just forget this as an option for recovery?

Thanks for your comments michelle23.

Medically I still have some tests to do. I am looking for work even if its just for something to do. But I have lost 3 jobs already due to this "distraction" with my marriage. Money has never been an issue as i live simply(Though we were quite well off once, but thats another story). I do have hobbies(photography) and interest though I couldn't find the creativity needed for my photography and my "interests" seems so tedious. However, I still go through the motions with my hobby as a way to try to move on. I agree that this is not a good time to start a relationship, and I have been avoiding relationships. Though, I do have several new friends of both sexes. Its been really good too as they have been really caring and good for my soul.

However, this lady has stirred up some sweet emotions that seems to have had a huge healing effect. With my photography, the last few days, I feel the creative juices starting to flow again. And i generally feel more motivated to do things that I should be doing ( like getting up! LOL)

I agree with Basil and I'll add:

Quote:

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There was lady 31 years old who I found extremely charming and sweet. And it seems to have stirred feelings i have not felt in dozens of years. I find myself thinking of her for the last few days !..

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You are really in no position to be dating at this point. You have no job, you are still very much married even though you don't live together, you're not a happy person and now you're thinking that this women is going to be your path to happiness. You'll not be able to make anyone happy for very long when you are not happy with yourself.

In order for you to be happy with yourself, you need to be making a living, starting proceedings to legally be done with your present marriage (even if it's legal separation) and you need to be mentally and physically as healthy as you possibly can be. Surely you don't want to put such responsiblity on any new partner?

Please consider getting your body, mind, and personal house and subsequently spirt in order before you get any further emotionally involved with this lady and putting all your burdens on her to keep you "motivated." That's not what romantic partners are meant to do. That's your job. Councelling will help you as will accomplishments achieved so that your self esteem is gleaned from within rather through someone else.

Good luck

Thank you for your comments Wakeup,

One of the things I learnt from the counseling sessions is to step back and look at the situation from the outside. To evaluate my emotions and responses objectively and to logically find ways to heal.

I am pursuing "getting my self in order". I dont believe I have a self esteem issue. I believe my issue is with my hurt emotions and health issues stemming from that. I have separated in my mind the resolution of my marriage situation from the requirement to heal my emotions and health.

I guess I have not been clear enough on certain aspects of my complex issues. but with regard to the lady .. I am taking this opportunity to try to heal. From her response when she learnt my age, I seriously doubt that there is much interest on her side. I am also not looking for any kind a long term relationship, it seems clear to everyone, including myself, that that is not possible right now..I only intend to let my infatuation/crush play out and use that for healing.

I guess I have not considered the issue of if she does get emotionally involved with me. I must think on that..