The first person that I loved and deeply cared about broke up with me
My girlfriend and I were in a relationship for 9 months. We’re both 17 and it was our first relationship for both of us. For the most part we were happy together, or so I thought. Although this is true, we had issues with things such as my neediness (which I have made an effort to change, and I have), my insecurity issues(I think that's what they are), and she felt bored in the relationship.
The other night she brought the issue up with me that she feels bored in the relationship and that we’re kind of ‘cruising’, which I can feel as well, although I don’t really have a problem with it. We tried proposing ideas of what we could do to fix it. Some ideas were proposed but nothing really came out of it. During the conversation I said to her that “I’m boring”, and at that stage she blew up at me saying that she’s sick of me saying things like that, which she has told me in the past, but I didn’t really think much of it. She said that we were kind of 'cruising', saying that everything is staying the same. When we're talking (texting) it's like we can predict what each other is about to say, and we run out of things to talk about, kind of like we're just having a conversation for the sake of it. Even when we're getting physical it's kind of like we've got the same routine. I kind of notice these things, although I'm not really bored. We discussed it trying to think of ideas we could do to make things less boring, but no real idea came out of it. When we were talking I said to her 'I'm boring ', and after that she kind of blew up at me, said that she's sick of me saying stuff like 'I'm boring, I'm fat, "You don't like me", and went to bed. That's what she means by insecurities. And to be honest I kind of do it so she says things to me that make me feel good about myself.
The next day she said that she hates how insecure I am when I tried talking about it to her. I said to her that I know I'm flawed, that I'm sorry for it and that I'll stop doing it. She said that I always say that. Which I do when things like this happen. Later in the afternoon after school I said to her that I refuse to fight with her, or have this dilemma. Then she said that she's been feeling this way for a while (as in lonely and sick of my insecurities).
The next day I tried talking to her, saying that I don't want to fight with her or have this dilemma.
I said to her, 'So you're saying you want to split up?'
Her: "That might be best"
Me: "Can we talk about this?"
Her: "What do you want to talk about"
Me: "For one, I certainly don't want to break up over text"
Her: "Well I didn't either, but you brought it up"
Me: "Can we meet up at talk about this?" "Anywhere" "I can hop on a bus right now"
Her: "I'm going to work"
Me: "Can you just promise me that nothing final happens until we at least meet and talk"
Her: "I don't think I'll change my mind"
Me: "Out of the respect of what we had together, I would like to. This seems impersonal" "Whether or not you change my mind" "If you do just one more thing for me. Just this, is all I ask"
Her: " Alright fine"
Me: "Thank you."
Her: "Saturday afternoon then"
We didn't really have much contact since then, just saying goodnight to each other and a few words. I originally proposed to meet at a park near her house, but then she said that I could just come to her house, which I agreed to. When I went around. I was tried to work things out, but I couldn't really do that. When I was talking to her she said that she doesn't feel the excitement that we used to before, as in she'd get excited when I texted her, or whenever we were about to go out. But now she doesn't, she said that it's just a routine, she said that a relationship has excitement in it, but ours doesn't. And at times when we have plans to go out somewhere she doesn't want to. She said that she wants to be independent and single, and that she misses being single and independent and that's the way she wants to be. She thinks that we rely on each other too much for our happiness, and said that we both want different things out of the relationship. I tried saying that we could do different things, text less, talk on the phone more etc. but she said that's not really it, more that she's bored of me as a person. She also said that that's not the way that she wants to be, get bored of someone after a few months, and move on to the next one, but it's just the way things are. She said she'd been trying to sort things out and figure it out for a while, but she couldn't.
At one stage she said to me, that she likes me, cares about me, loves me, and wants to see the person that I become, but doesn't think the relationship is working. I said to her that our relationship isn't broken all the time, of which she replied to 'but it is a lot of the time'. She said that it's not so much what we do, or how much we text, but it's who we are, and us as people that is causing the problem. So I just said if you love someone then you want them to be happy, so I handed her my ring and left. But she texted me to come back, and then we just hugged and stuff, and she said she was sorry, that she loves me. I cried on her shoulder and she kept saying she's sorry over and over. We just talked a little bit, saying that one day we'd like to try again. And that we'd still keep in touch, and we'd talk to each other if we needed someone to talk to, and that we'd still go to each others formals.
At one stage she said to me, that she likes me, cares about me, loves me, and wants to see the person that I become, but doesn't think the relationship is working. I said to her that our relationship isn't broken all the time, of which she replied to 'but it is a lot of the time'. She said that it's not so much what we do, or how much we text, but it's who we are, and us as people that is causing the problem.
Last time we broke up she wanted to stay friends, and after about one or two weeks after breaking up we tried being friends, but it was too hard on me and I couldn't do it. For almost three weeks she contested getting back together, but eventually she ended up getting back together with me. During that time I was kind of constantly trying to win her back. She said that THIS time, that it wouldn't be fair on me for us to remain friends for now, and she wants to be apart. I'm the only real close friend she has ever had. I'm kind of worried that she only got back with me because she needs that close personal friend (she suffers from anxiety and depression problems from childhood traumas which can be seen below with the **), so I'm worried that she kind of only got back with me the first time because she needs that close personal friend and didn't really want to be in a relationship but went along with it to keep me around.
I was texting her last night and she said she wanted me to come back after I left because she wanted to be on good terms, and so that we understood each other, not hurt or angry or upset. And she said that she hopes that we can remain that way. As friends, or at the very least not awkward. I said to her that talking to her at the end after I came back made me a little happier or made things slightly bearable. She said that this is the way that I want thing to be, "us not together :/ ". I asked her if I could just talk to her a little bit more tonight, but she said that she thinks we both need a little time to move forward.
**Her parents were divorced, and as a child she was physically abused by her father, who was an alcoholic and a drug user. When she was 11, her father was involved in a road rage incident leading to him driving a car off the road leading to the death of the driver and injuring 3 passengers. He's currently serving a 14 year sentence in prison, and last year she got to see him in prison for the first time in 5 years. At around the same time, her father's girlfriend, tried to commit suicide in front of her. She suffers from depression, and has on and off anxiety attacks, and suffers from night terrors. I have feared for her own safety at times, I have seen where she has cut herself. I've always tried to support her and help her with these issues, and been a shoulder. I was the first person that she had ever told about the person trying to commit suicide in front of her. I had even asked her mum to take her to see a doctor or psychiatrist, because she asked me too because she couldn't face her mum.**
All of this has made me feel terrible, I love everything about her. We lost our virginity to each other as well. I didn't want to lose the relationship we have, especially when I am so confused as to where I went wrong in terms of keeping things exciting. I really tried my hardest. I can't let go. I don't want to let go of her as a friend, but I think it might be too hard to 'just be friends'.
(I've heard rumours from multiple people that she was only staying with me so that she had someone else to go to her formal with (like a senior prom in Australia). She doesn't have any other guy friends, as we both go to different private single sex schools.)
