am i mean for resenting my boyfriend?

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26-04-13, 07:05 PM
holdingon

am i mean for resenting my boyfriend?

Really looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a longterm relationship... im about to end my 5 year relationship with what was the love of my life. Im scared i may regret this decision until the day i die and i just dont want to look back 20 years from now and be childless and alone. im only 21 and ive been living with him since i was 17 so he feels like home to me. im afraid im walking away from my only chance at happiness, im afraid hes going to marry someone else and be happy and i wont. Im not looking for something better, im not searching for something more exciting, im just so so miserable every day and i feel like i might be happier alone. We fight every single day, sleep in seperate bedrooms for days at a time, we name-call and threaten to leave eachother every week but we say we love eachother. Hes sweet and caring, he tells me im beautiful, he cooks for me, compromises with me and overall treats me well - but we fight, everyday. He uses drugs and i dont, hes unemployed and i work everyday, he watches t.v all day long while i run around trying to organize our finances, our home- our lifes. He does not contribute to our relationship at all, but he loves me.

I feel like a selfish person to walk away from someone who i feel adores me but im sick of feeling like im doing it all on my own. Truly- i resent him, i love him but i do resent him. I resent him for not trying to lift the financial burden off of me, for not caring about himself enough to quit smoking weed, for not having ambitions in life and for being a weight on my shoulders. I love and care about him and dont want to see him unhappy- but i just simply cannot do this anymore. Am i just being selfish for expecting more from him when he tells me everyday he cherishes my love for him.
01-05-13, 11:37 AM
mydnyght

At this point no, you are not mean for resenting him and wanting to leave. You are not in a relationship because relationships are not one-sided. If he loved and cherished you he would be helping you out financially and helping out around the house. You aren't someone he adores. You are a free ride. As much as it hurt, it is best to leave and find someone more deserving.
01-05-13, 05:39 PM
TablesandChairs

Unless you've been living under a rock, I can't see how you've come to the conclusion that you're 'mean'. He doesn't do anything. Saying he loves you/cherishes you is so easy...while you do everything else. He's lazy. If he truly loved you, he'd be working, contributing and being proactive about your future, not sitting at home doing drugs and watching TV.

You need to tell him this, in very simple language. He needs a job. He needs to be thinking about the future and he needs to quit the drugs. You say you're scared that he'll find someone else and be happy...no one else will want him because people have expectations.
01-05-13, 08:08 PM
michelle23

I think you are doing the right thing and once you leave-you should not allow yourself to go back. Its not going to be easy-you will have withdrawal symptoms. There will be times you will miss him and feel so alone but you have to stay strong and stick to your guns.

Hes a lazy, selfish, addict who is all talk and NO action so yes-get the feck out. You will defo meet someone better. You sound like a strong, independent woman and of course you will not end up alone forever.

Good luck to you. This is a new beginning and you should grab it firmly in both hands :)
02-05-13, 11:16 AM
MsMaccoby

You must be tired, you've been trying to 'save' him for a long time (from his list of issues), and it's entirely possible that you feel you are abandoning him when he has showered you with love. I empathise. You clearly don't think too much of yourself, and there are abandonment issues (as you know you wouldn't like to be left..) but deep in your heart, you know it's time to go... You don't owe him anything, you tried your best. It's clearly not working; you'll both be happier apart. Just don't fall for this kind of guy again, because it may fullfil your unconscious wish to 'fix' him, but you will never have a sufficiently equal relationship for it to work long-term... When you are single, it might be scary but you soon you'll feel exhilarated as you will have for yourself all the energy you used to expend on him. Also, in a way, he'll probably only grow as a person when he's forced to sort out his own problems.
03-05-13, 03:55 AM
holdingon

thankyou so much for your post, it made me cry but it was helpful. I truly do feel very loved by him despite what anybody says-he does love and adore me and he treats me well. He just doesn't love himself and I think I give up on trying to change that. I just don't want to throw away 5 years and then regret it when I find myself with someone else who I don't feel loved by, but I guess its a risk ill have to take. I never wanted it to end but now it really does seem like i'm prolonging the inevitable, anyway thanks a bunch.
03-05-13, 04:36 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by holdingon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel like a selfish person to walk away from someone who i feel adores me

Actually you're being very selfish by staying. You enable him to be the unmotivated, unemployed drug addict that he is by staying. Why would he change anything when you're micro-managing and caretaking him while he continues to be the shiftless bastard that he is?

Quote:

but im sick of feeling like im doing it all on my own.

That's because you are doing it all on your own.

Quote:

Truly- i resent him, i love him but i do resent him. I resent him for not trying to lift the financial burden off of me, for not caring about himself enough to quit smoking weed, for not having ambitions in life and for being a weight on my shoulders. I love and care about him and dont want to see him unhappy- but i just simply cannot do this anymore. Am i just being selfish for expecting more from him when he tells me everyday he cherishes my love for him.

Love isn't enough. You need to leave him and let him grow.

You should join Al-anon to learn about codependency and enabling and how to detach and stop the need to caretake. He's got a drug addiction. You have an addiction as well that being codependency.

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Start there ^^^ and work on you so that you educate yourself which will lead you to have the strength to leave and let him grow into a decent member of society. If he's too far gone to want to be a decent member of society then that's his burden to bear not yours. Google for an al-anon meeting near you.

Good luck, holdingon.