How do I gain his forgiveness?
Greetings friends, I am Anja, and I just joined this day in the hopes of gaining advice, and offering some of my own.
Reading the title of this thread, I'm sure that you'd assume that it was some sort of an affair. However, that isn't the case. Please read on, if it suits you.
My love and I met through work when he was working for Force Recon, and I was working with Internal Disputes/Conflict Resolution about 4 years ago when I was 21 and he was 34. We weren't exactly close, but we did acknowledge each other. Ours was the cordial 'Discussion by the Water Cooler' relationship, when he was on-site, he was usually out on his contracts. But gradually, we grew closer, and, in time, fell in love. Quickly, some might assume. Perhaps they were correct.
Circumstance transpired, and Lance retired from the Marines on Medical Leave. While I was not entirely retired myself, (25 is an ideal age for a combatant's retirement, but not for one that rarely needs to go out, although we do have the training, if necessary.) and we moved in together. Things were great! I adore his family, his precious little one is so very dear to my heart, and such a smart little girl! Unfortunately, Lance and I have yet to be intimate. Not because we have no intention of making love (He has a history as a Pain Master, so it's not like he and I have no interest, heh.) but because of his size. He is 6'8, and his penis is nearly a foot long when fully-erect. I am aware that some guys think would glorify such a thing. But I know, from indirect experience, that such a thing is NOT the best way to go. There are all sorts of medical problems with such a size, including but not limited to Prostatitis,as well as the need to ejaculate, otherwise he'd have to have a needle through the scrotum. These are debilitating problems, and I despise hearing my love cry.
In October of last year, Lance decided that he needed to reboot his life. He's had such a difficult life after coming to the US from Valdemarsvik, and I agreed that a reboot was necessary. His doctor felt it best that I take a bit of a break from Lance, and return to my home in Russia, or with friends in California. I chose California, I could not bear to return to Russia without my love or my beloved surrogate daughter.
This is when things went to hell. Lance started to become more and more withdrawn, and more and more quiet. He would not call me, he would not answer the phone when I called. Our communication was via text and the internet. I was hurting. So I invited a friend to stay with me for a bit. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
This 'Friend' basically manipulated me to the maximum factor because he didn't want to pay rent. $50 bucks a month to help with bills that were way over $500 is not unreasonable. But it was. However, due to the Code of Civil Procedure, I was able to evict him. That, however, took 8 months, and it happened last week. It went to HELL when I refused his advances. He was extremely attractive, but I do not date or sleep with someone that I do not love. Lance has captured my heart, and no matter what, I will not be unfaithful to him.
However, I am not so sure that Lance feels the same about me. Lance is rarely around when I need him the most. So being unable to communicate with him, having to live with someone who constantly infuses me with negative energy, I started to become extremely bitter. That just made Lance flee from me further and further, it justified his reasoning.
Lance had asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I asked for a picture of him. That's all I wanted. I am still waiting. There was always some excuse as to why he would not take a picture for me. And hearing some stories from others, I am unsure if Lance still loves me, although he says he does.
I know for a fact that this distance is my fault. That by Lance's absence from my life and my 8 month interaction with my roommate, that I grew from a loving, warm person to a Cynical, doubting bitch. Is this what I wanted? Gods no. His daughter called me 'Mummy'. I loved Allisa with half of my heart, and Lance with the other half. I will always, no matter what our relationship status. But now, Lance keeps referring to Allisa as 'His Daughter'. Not 'Our daughter'. So I know that it's coming to an end. However, he refuses to tell me. If only he would, perhaps it would end in friendship. I do not need his love if I have his friendship. We have too many memories to lose.
I've been trying to change and I gave it my BEST effort, but each and everytime he disappeared, my ex-roommate moved in, and it made me even more cynical.
So Lance and I have grown from a warm, loving relationship to not-even-strangers, all because I was not there, and all because of me. I take full responsibility for this bridge between us, even if I am not truly the catalyst. I had sent my love an email, telling him these things, the reasons, and saying that now that I'm free of my ex-roommate, I think I could change, but I needed his help. He never replied. He hasn't been in contact with me for a week.
What can I do to show him that I am trying so hard, but I am not strong enough to make a complete change without him? I miss Lance so much that sometimes all I can do is hold a pillow and spray it with some of his cologne and imagine I am laying with him. Pathetic and sad? Perhaps. But it helps the distance seem not quite so far.
I also have a huge problem with trust. Standard, given our work, but I shouldn't have that with him. It's because people have wanted to be with one of us for the past 4 years, and have tried to break us apart. Also because his sister told me things that I do not believe, although she is my best friend. She said that Lance was too scared to have me back in Georgia, because he thought I wouldn't want him or I'd grow bored. I bought Lance a Husky puppy to keep him company while I was not there. Why would I have made such an investment if I planned to leave his life? This was something he had wanted for two decades. And he didn't even thank me.
Is it too late? I'm sure I could provide more background information, but I'm just desperate for answers. I'm torn between warm, loving thoughts about him and harsh, bitter thoughts about him. I fantasize being in his arms as much as I fantasize smirking in his face as I walk away from him. Gods above.. I couldn't do that, and I'm not entirely sure what to do.
Do I believe that Lance is my destined lover? Gods yes. This feels beyond love, beyond anything that I had ever felt before. Could I live without him? I'm sure I could, but it would be a false life. Living should be a happy thing, full of smiles and joy. Not something that you know would be endless misery.
