Childhood Sweethearts...now 10 years later... a long story.
So, about 10 years ago my friend's sister had a crush on me. I will refer to her as "C" from here out. At the time she was 14 years old, and I was 18. She always seemed older and mature for her age. She had a really bad crush on me... she would take her dog on a walk and walk by my house just on the off chance she might see me. She had my chat screen name and would always message me. Or when her brother would come over for band practice she would always ask to come and watch / listen, just to be near me. She was sprung, and did all the things girls at that age do when they have a crush.
I don't remember what started it, but one day we started "fooling around". She was all over me, and I always thought she was cute, and fun, and outgoing, and she was a cheerleader, and lived close, and I didn't have a girlfriend at the time so I just sort of let it happen. Over time it turned into her sneaking out of her house at night to come over to my house and hang out, and fool around. But we never went all the way, sexually, but we got close to it. ...She loved me like no other, and I was her first love.
Then her mom found out that we were getting close, but she didn't know how close, or anything else about it. Her mom was mad because of course I was a teenage boy, and her daughter was young... she just didn't approve of it, understandably. So, I had to do what I had to do. I told C that we can't do this anymore. She was devastated, and I broke her heart. It broke my heart too, because I had fallen in love with her.
We both carried on with our lives. But the love never died. Months would pass, and we would still talk once in a while, and laugh with each other, and remember the times we have had, and miss each other. We got together 2 or more times over a span of a few months to hang out as friends, but we couldn't help but start kissing each other. But we had to hide it from her mom and brother, and we knew we had to stop. It would always hurt me, and her I guess. Like we were teasing ourselves.
Then a couple years pass, and she had a boyfriend, and I was single, but that didn't matter to her. One night we decided to meet up with each other just to talk as friends and to "catch up", and we couldn't help ourselves, and next thing we know we are kissing and fooling around again, but never went all the way. She cheated on her boyfriend with me, as if I was more important than anyone. But it was only for that night. We went back to hiding our encounters, and pretending we didn't talk to each other, and went back to our lives apart.
Over the span of 10 years, we would always randomly meet up with each other, and a good amount of our feelings would come back every time, and sometimes we would kiss and or mess around, but sometimes we were mature about it. Over that time, C had turned into one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, and has still has the greatest personality ever. I watched her grow up, I saw most of the boyfriends she was with over time, I saw her turn into what seems to be a free spirit, always partying, going to clubs, modeling. She is incredibly hot. All this time, she always had a place in my heart, I always loved her.
The last few times we met up with each other, one time in 2007, another time in 2008, and another time in 2009, I think my love for her had taken its toll. Our encounters were starting to hurt. We had messed around again in 2007, but never went all the way. She had a boyfriend at the time, and was hesitant, but we still kissed and got really intimate. At this time she was old enough to where we didn't have to hide our encounters anymore, but we did anyway. After that one night in 2007, when we went back to our normal lives after 1 crazy night of intimacy, I was more heartbroken than ever. That night I got my hopes up. I thought, here we are again but this time much older, I had my own place, a nice job, we don't have to hide anything anymore, maybe now we can finally be together and live happily ever after. But it never happened. She came and went that night, and took a piece of my heart with her. We both had completely separate groups of friends, and we were growing apart from each other, didn't know each other as well as we used to. So she went back to her life.
We met again in 2008, this time I had a girlfriend. She was going through bad times and wanted to see me just to talk, because she always loved my advice. She came over and cried in my arms, and we talked about life and things. I cheered her up, and we ended that night as close friends. But still, my feelings came back, but I realized it probably wouldn't work between us, and we would probably go back to our lives again. Plus I had feelings for another new girlfriend. It was complicated. This was the first time C and I didn't hook up.
We met again in 2009, as friends, to catch up. We just simply talked. I was in no position anyway as I had seriously injured both of my ankles in a motocross accident, and she came to visit to keep me company. The day she came over, she took my breath away. She looked so freaking beautiful that day. I am not joking, she was super model status. In a cute dress, laying with me on my bed, and we watched a movie while we talked. I was falling for her yet again, it happens every time. We both always feel a strong connection. But it seemed like we were just friends. Again we didn't hook up.
Ok, it is now 2013. C and I are friends on facebook, but had not talked for 4 years. I noticed it was her b-day, and so I posted "Happy Bday" on her wall. She liked it and commented on it saying thanks. Then she posted on my facebook page for all to see, Miss You D! :emot139: :). So I replied to her, and told her we should catch up again. She couldn't be more excited to see me, and said she couldn't wait.
We met up on Friday night. This time both her mom and her brother knew we were going to hang out together. Her mom seemed happy and told C to tell me she said hi. C's mom also asked, "you two still talk to each other after all this time?" in amazement. It felt good to know it was no longer a secret, or needed to be.
So, Friday night we had the most perfect night ever. She still looks as beautiful as ever. The whole night we just talked and laughed. She said she feels like she's 14 again when she is with me. She was saying she gets all goofy around me. We had a nice dinner together. Our faces were hurting from laughing and smiling so much. We got a little close at dinner. She was cold and didn't have a sweater, so I offered her body heat, and she agreed to snuggle in the restaurant booth, so I put my arm around her to warm her up. After dinner we were not sure what do to. We didn't quite want to be in a loud place, we wanted to talk. So we decide to get some drinks and just hang out at my place. Then she tells me, "I have a boyfriend, just so you know". I was expecting this to be a casual encounter, nothing more, so I didn't think much of it. I asked a few questions about her new guy, and she said they haven't been together long.
When we got to my house our awesome night continued. We talked about every subject in the world, laughed a lot, had a good time, drank a few beers. It was a perfect! One of her friends called, and C told her friend she was "having the time of her life". Then an hour later her boyfriend called, and she was wondering if she should just tell the truth, lie, or not say anything about being with me. She ended up just not mentioning it, and telling him she will talk to him tomorrow.
Anyway, we continued to talk and have fun, and then she said it... She said she loved me. So I said I loved her too. It seemed like a friendly love, but she has never said it to my face while looking into my eyes like she did. Later in the night she said it again with more passion. She said she loved me, and made a point of saying it more than once, and I told her I will always love you no matter what. 10 long years have gone by and I still love her.
It was getting late and I asked if she wanted me to take her home. But she said she wanted to stay the night. I said ok. We talked some more, and then I asked again, "are you sure you don't want me to take you home?", and she "I want to stay here tonight".
So as it got late, we went to bed. I gave her a shirt to wear to bed since she only had a dress on. We laid in bed and talked some more about random stuff. I was kinda spacing myself from her physically out of respect. Then jokingly I told her I promise to keep to myself. She laughed. Then out of the blue, she takes her shirt off (completely topless). I laugh a little and joke and say "wow, ok, I guess it is hot in here, a shirt is not needed". And I thought to myself I am just sticking to my promise, I would keep to myself. But she asks me to take my shirt off. So said, "yeah its getting kind of hot in here it would be nice to take my shirt off too lol"... so I do, still keeping my promise and staying away. Then she pecks a kiss on my arm, and I laugh and say G-thanks. So I peck a kiss on her forehead and say that is for the kiss on my arm.
Then she went for it.... she just kissed me straight out like she couldn't hold it back. Then I just couldn't help myself either, and we had the most passionate kiss ever, and then we made the most passionate love ever. It was amazing, like out of a movie. She is one of the most beautiful women I know, I love her a lot, and here we are making love for the first time after 10 years. It is a night I will never forget. It was perfect in every way.
When things started to cool down we slowly fell asleep in each others arms. We wake up the next morning on and off, we were still cuddling, I put my arms around her, and she would do the same. She was caressing my back at one time as well while I was half asleep (to me I thought ok, good she doesn't seem to have any regrets if she is still showing affection). It all seemed great in the morning. We woke up and talked all morning. We joked about how 10 years later we finally had slept together, and I joked a little about her mission being accomplished, and she laughed. She mentioned feeling a bit bad because of her boyfriend. She said she felt bad that she really didn't feel bad for what she did. Implying she wasn't all that in to her new boyfriend. I didn't say anything.
It was about time to take her home in the morning, she had other obligations to take care of. By this time her mom and brother already know she stayed the night with me, and we didn't care. It was an unusual feeling for us, and we were both laughing about it. I asked her though, "So whats next?". She asked what I meant, but I said never mind and kind of changed the subject. By this time I had fallen for her yet again. Imagining myself being her boyfriend, and living happily ever after (again). I was worried though, and I was wondering what is going to happen next. I couldn't help but think it was going to happen again, she would take my heart and disappear and go back to her life without me.
So I asked her, "are you going to disappear again?". She said "what do you mean? I have always been around.". Then she asked ME, "are you going to disappear again?", and I said "I guess I did disappear before, but always here in a way". She then said "I see no reason for us to stop talking to each other", and I agreed. Anyway, we laugh a few more times and joke on the way to her house. When I dropped her off, it was quick and simple. She said she had a lot of fun, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and we hugged (we are in front of her moms house), we said our goodbyes and I drove off.
When I drove off, it literally felt like I had let her take my heart with her. I immediately felt empty and heart broken because I assume we will grow apart again, and not keep in touch, and I don't want that. I tell myself I should be smiling ear to ear, and should be happier then ever. I just had one amazing night with the most beautiful women whom I have always loved for years. But deep down I am still sad, because I feel it was just another fling we had, and nothing will come of it.
A few hours after dropping her off, I couldn't help but text message her saying "I can't stop thinking about you...". She replies ":) I had a lot of fun last night :D my smile still hurts lol". I said, "lol yeah I had fun as well. I wish the night had never ended.". Then I didn't get a message from her for 5 hours. I know she was busy, so I just didn't message her during that time. But I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was hurting deep down when I should probably be happy. So I sent her another message....
But first I want to mention, a long time ago (10 years ago) I had dedicated a song to her called Goodbye Forever by Alkaline Trio when we both had to stop talking to each other. I have always called C my "angel" no matter if we didn't talk for months or years, I would always call her angel, because she is and will always be my angel. So parts of that song alkaline trio just kinda fit...
"Take your wings outside, you can't fly in here
Besides, a purple sky is better soaring
for you my angel
You're an angel, you little devil
As for me i'll stay inside, I'll be just fine
and I'll watch from the window"
"And we say goodbye and go underground
Or up towards the sky
Up in smoke burnt down to size
At least we're still friends, at least we're still alive"
... So the lyrics, to me, reflected our situation at the time. She was my angel, telling her to fly away, it was for the better. I would be ok, and I would be around, and we would watch each other grow up. 10 years later, that is exactly what happened. We still talk about this silly song, its funny to us now.
Anyway, I sent her one last message yesterday. I wanted to dedicate a new song to her 10 years later. So I sent her a message saying:
"C. I'm dedicating a new song to you. I don't care how cheesy it is, it is just the truth. 'Love Song - by 311'. I like 311's cover best. Lol.... sorry."
Word for word the lyrics are how I feel about her. Whenever I'm alone with her, she makes me feel young again. And no matter how far away, I will always love her.
She never replied. She hasn't replied all day today. I am hesitant to call her or message her again, I don't want to intrude. But I am hurting. I fear we just had a fling. Maybe she thinks it was a mistake. Maybe we wont ever be together. I always think the worst. I should be happy but I'm in pain. I'm usually more of an alpha male, but the last few years I have been getting really emotional, and when it comes to C, someone who I have always loved, it just a bit much. I feel weak. I don't know what to think.
Writing this is just my method of venting. If you read this entire thing, I'm sorry to waste your time. If any of you have any advice, or something to say, please do I would love to hear it.
Regards.
