Please tell me what you think of my situation. I need advice. (rant)
Inc Rant...
So background information, Im recently turned 21, and she's about to turn 19 in about a month. I met her at my cottage when she moved there about 3 years ago, and every summer we always hang out a lot. The first summer I got the courage to tell her i liked her at the end, and she said she did too but wishes I had said something earlier. I didnt see her at all during the year, but I talked to her every couple of weeks.
Last summer, I didnt know how to tell her how i felt, and she ended up dating another guy for the whole summer. She lost her virginity to him and I honestly felt terrible for months because I ****ed up. When they were dating I told her I still cared about her, and wanted to date her, and she said she felt the same but was happy where she was. I respected that, and we remained friends all summer. They broke up on the last week of summer, and that weekend we kissed. After all this time, i realised I was falling for her.
She moved to uni the next week, but I went out there to party with my friend and to see her. I only saw her once for about 15 min because she was busy going to all the Frosh week stuff. Before I left, we were texting and I told her how special she was to me and that I loved her. She didnt really confirm or deny anything, but simply said that she just got out of a relationship and doesnt want to just jump back into one. Okay.
Now this entire year has been absolute torture for me. In september we were still great friends, and we started flirting hardcore and talking about sex stuff. She said that I should get a FwB because they are great, and I got upset because she knows how i feel about her. In october she told me that her ex came over for the weekend and they had sex twice but she didnt want to get back together with him. He then proceeded to constantly insult her in public when she went home, call her a whore and stuff which really messed with her head. This broke my heart because i wanted to be there for her, but instead i got really upset again and we didnt talk for like a week, because she knows how i feel about her, and yet she tells me that she ****ed her ex.
Literally like every 3 weeks since then we stop talking for a few days because I get weird. But the times when we arent, we are the best of friends. Talking with her makes me feel so good, and just thinking about her is amazing. We talk like every single day. Then in late january we had a bigish fight, and she said that she was tired of things being so complicated between us and that she didn't care about me as more than a friend anymore (but she had the whole time before now). I had made multiple attempts to see her or hangout with her during the year, but she was always busy or something always came up. So we didnt talk for a month and a bit because i needed to move on.
On easter, I texted her just to see how she was doing and because I missed her. After about 20 minutes, she told me that she really missed me, and wishes that she had given me a chance, and it was just bad timing on my part which is why we had fought. So we started talking again, and I asked her out for when she came home next, and she agreed and said she was looking forward to it. It was a few weeks later till she went home, and we talked all the time, and talked about what we wanted to do in the summer.
We she finally went home, she got really sick and her final exams were in a few days (ok thats a legitimate excuse not to go on dates). Then When she was done exam and moved back home, I tried to ask her out multiple times, but she always was busy. Finally I she said that she wasnt sure if going out with me was what she wanted right now. I got really upset, because she's been really up and down all year with me, and this is more of the same. She says now that she doesnt want to date me or anyone right now. She likes being single because she doesnt have to feel like she relies on a guy for anything, and can just be herself. I told her that I can't really just be her friend because i have serious feelings for her, and its really painful. She pleaded that we stay friends and can see eachother all the time in the summer like we normally do.
I said fine and that I'd rather have her as a friend than as nothing. But im not so sure about that anymore. When i asked about us, she said she doesnt know if she'll want to be with me in the future becuase she doesnt know what the future hold. There is no way to avoid seeing her this summer in any case, we are both up at our cottages all the time and have the same circle of friends up there.
Like i am completly in love with this girl, everything about her feels so right to me (if that makes any sense) and i have told her as so in the past, and how I'm happy when im with her. When i dont talk to her it feels like there is a hole in my heart, all i want to do is hold her in my arms forever so she will never be hurt again. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and is more mature than I am despite the age difference.
So i just want some opinions on my situation. On hand I really do want her in my life, but if im not with her it hurts, and on the other, if i tell her we cant be friends, I lose the friendship and I feel horrible while i think about her everyday. How i feel about her isnt something I can just "get over", ive never felt this way about someone before.
I really don't feel like she is just using me as a person who likes her, i know her better than that. Im just so confused and dont know what to do.
Opinions, advice, just what you make of this, everything is welcome.
