have been with a men with two childrens for 3 years

hi guys,
Im very very sad today. I'm in love with a man who has two childrens and I find it really tough. We have been togheter for 3 years, living togheter for 2 and a half, and it has been hard for me to find my place in his family. he is 46 and I am 30. He has his kids 1 one week out of two. when we are him and I alone its always a ball! we have so much fun most of the time. we developped a friendship that is amazing. when the kids are there I remove myself of the situation because we have very different approach on diciplin.

anyway so last week end I wanted to go to my uncle for the week end. Alone. but he felt like I just wanted to run away from him and his two kids. So he gave me an ultimatum. He said ''Darling, your gona have to decide if you want to be with me or not. I have kids. If you cant deal with the fact that I have baggage, then you cant be with me.'' and he gave me the week end to think about it. I love the guy. their is no questioning about that I love him to pieces but I cant spend half of my time feeling that I am an evil step mother. That tought makes me sick. Im sick of asking a 7 years old to say please and thank you ALL THE TIME. of hearing her having a fit and their is never no consequences.

Its so awfull. all of our fighting has to do with the kids, discipline and dishes. It makes me feel like a bitch. half the time. So I told him I couldnt get more implicated in his familly's life. cause I have to put the pants he doesnt put and it aint my job. Im so sad. Breaking up with the best guy ever for a question of timing. and the worst is I cant even say ''what a looser''. F&*CK!

Sadwoman, he's absolutely right - you do have to make a decision.

Taking it even further, it's not your place to argue over how he disciplines the kids. For what it's worth, the behaviour you describe indicates to me that he's a crap father, but that doesn't mean you get a say in how things go down. Instead of arguing over discipline, a more sensible approach would have been "this behaviour is unacceptable to me. If it continues, I will have to consider leaving" and then follow through if things don't change. Bearing in mind the ultimatum he's just given you, it's clear that he'd rather continue with his not good enough parenting than have you around.

You are sad that you can't hate him....but consider this: imagine the fights if the two of you had had kids together! Your own kid would have been totally screwed by parents who aren't consistent in discipline. If you do want kids of your own, then you've dodged a bullet.

Things are set in stone at this point so you can either let it eat at you, deal or leave :)

Lets not judge the dad too much.....what 7 year old isn't an asshole?! I don't know many :)

Dealing with a partner with baggage is never easy. You need to think of the bigger picture. Do you want kids of your own one day? If so, would he want more kids? He is 16 years your senior. As for kids, they are his and therefore he is the dad that ought to disabling his kids the way he decides, and the mother will disapline her way. Although it may be hard to just bite your tongue and not take action, this is what you need to do instead of play the wicked step mom role

I think that in two years and a half things should have become easier for all of you. If they haven't, maybe your place isn't there indeed. Some relationships are for some people but not for everyone. About the children, well, I've met plenty of aunts and uncles that have been honest enough to say that they love their nephews/nieces more than everything but they couldn't spend more than a weekend with them and sometimes even a weekend is too much.

Of course that you need to totally accept that he has children but he also needs to totally accept that you need some changes in order to feel more comfortable. If he can't accept that, maybe you just shouldn't put up with more of the same. You are a free woman and will always be one. Do not give up your freedom and your piece of mind for a guy or a family unless you're really happy with the situation. If he won't fight for you but let you go, it might turn out that he is actually doing you a favour.

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Originally Posted by surfhb2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lets not judge the dad too much.....what 7 year old isn't an asshole?! I don't know many :)

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Having worked with 7 year olds and as a mother of kids who've been through this stage, I can say that I've found most of them well mannered and pleasant to have around. The fact that you view the majority of 7yo kids like this doesn't say much good about those kids you know.

It all goes back to consistency, guidance and discipline when necessary....something the OPs partner seems to not understand. We are not there to be our children's friend

Yes, you have to accept his kids, that's not going to change. BUT it's not a one way street: you shouldn't have to feel powerless in your own home. He could say 'I have kids BUT I will not allow them to mess the house to an unacceptable level or to scream constantly without consequences'. He needs to accept that if he wants a partner, he's going to a) learn to discipline his kids and b) learn to make some adjustments himself. Otherwise, NO ONE will want him. It's not enough to say 'I have baggage so deal with it'. The proper thing to say is 'Even though I have baggage, I'm going to do my best to make this work and that means ensuring my kids show a basic level of respect'.

Secondly: the kids have a mother and a father. You don't always need to be around, especially if they're being brats. You're well within reason to spend a weekend away. Maybe he should 'accept' that you don't have kids and thus should not be expected to play step mum all the time.