very sad, messy break up advice

Hi everyone

I could really use some advice, I'm hurting a lot right now.

I am 25 was with this guy who is 26 for a year and a half and we had the most perfect relationship - we never argued and we both doted on eachother. He daily told me I'm his dream girl and how he's never loved anyone this much... his friends all told me they saw a positive change in him they'd never seen before since we got together...yeah you get the idea.

We had been talking about getting our own place together but nothing was ever really set in stone, we just discussed a few times it was something we'd like to do. He bought it up first - i never really mentioned it.

Anyway around seven weeks ago, we woke up one morning and he started snapping at me and being constantly nasty. I had enough and asked him about it but he kept fobbing me off.

Eventually he admitted things had changed in his mind and he couldn't work out why he stopped looking at me in the same loving way he used to. He said he felt like he was spending time with his best friend and didn't feel like kissing or hugging me like we used to.

I tried to end it - numerous times - but he wouldn't let me walk away, citing he knows he still loves me and I'm his dream girl and he won't find anyone he gets on with as well as he does with me.

Eventually we went on a break - during the first few days he continued to text me calling me gorgeous but I cut him short very quickly. I thought he'd be willing to work on the relationship but a few days later he said he wanted to break up.

He said he couldn't be sad because he knows we'll get back together eventually and he wanted to see what being single is like. He said we'd had such an amazing time this year and he wanted to see what else amazing is waiting for him in his life. He didn't even want to try by going back to the dating stage. Our break up was emotional, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, were kissing and hinting about break up sex.

We actually work in the same office (I am a paralegal and he's a lawyer) and we ended up in bed together after a work social night out. Later, I found he'd been texting a girl from the office for about a month flirtatious things. I lost it. He started apologising saying he's sorry that something in his mind as changed and he wishes it hadn't, but that he doesn't know why he can't seem to let me go.

After a series of arguments he admitted that in fact he doesn't love me anymore. I left feeling okay.

During work all our colleagues tell me he follows me around "like a little puppydog" and how his eyes light up when he sees me walk into the office or something.

Yesterday he did a bungee jump and I sent him a text wishing him good luck - and he replied a very flirtatious message and then phoned me afterwards to tell me how it went.

Today is my birthday and I randomly bumped into him in the bar my friends took me to. It was awkward, he was trying to be friendly but I wasn't feeling comfortable with this and all my friends were very rude to him when he tried to wished me happy birthday.

All his friends were coming up to me telling me how crazy they think he is, how ridicilous our situation is because we are "the" couple and how they think it's because he's scared of commitment. They all told me I should walk away from him and that I deserve better. That he doesn't want me back.

I'm absolutley devastated - worst part is he's not even contacted me or anything to say happy birthday today.

I love him and want to get over him, but really can't get this out of my head. It sucks i have to see him at work and i'm struggling, getting such mixed feelings from him, it's mad. I know this sounds ridicilous but i want him back so badly, and not really sure where to go with it :(

Hello to you,
I can really feel your pain and love for this man, and yet I also know that trust is a major factor in relationship. The issue with his sudden change is from his upbringing and has nothing to do with you. For him to flip to another personality so suddenly and back to the one who loves you indicates two personalities that are in conflict. First, can you ever truly trust him to be consistent with how he treats you? Once there has been a break in the relationship of this magnitude it is a challenge for the woman to ever truly trust the man again.
I want you to remember that this issue of a fear of abandonment, by him dates back to his childhood. No matter what you would have done the outcome would have been the same. I am making an estimate here and what I know about men that are afraid of being abandoned will abandon the woman first to protect their own heart. When a girl is too good to be true the man will believe that some one wonderful like you will leave a confused man like him at some point.
First thing you can do is practice forgiveness, forgive your self for loving him and being left by him.
Keep your friends close by and also forgive him for his past hurts that have made it impossible to be with you.
Love is not logical, your feelings for him are natural. Let it be and begin to spend time with people that love you. It is okay to continue to love him and allow him to leave your life at the same time.
If you are interested in being with others who have the same situation check out Meetup.com for support groups that will help you.
JB