Person with anxiety and history of depression has pushed me away
Hi everyone! I came here for some help with a tricky situation I have found myself in.
I'm not too sure where to start so I'll break it down to make things easy to read and understand.
I met a really lovely guy a while back through a dating site, we clicked in every way and I've never experienced that before. The feeling was completely mutual. I was really playing it cool and he was almost the 'woman' while we were dating. He would contact me every single day and all times of the
day (on his break from work etc).
He would always say he misses me and would ask questions like when he could meet my mother. He would also joke about when we got married and have kids. He always did his best to give a good impression and he was so thoughtful and considerate towards my feelings. He would remember ever little thing I had done and said, even things I didn't remember.
He was brutally honest with me and I quickly found out that he had been hurt badly by his ex. He had only had one girlfriend (she had been the only girl he had been physical with, until he met me), they were together for 6 years. engaged and trying for a baby but she cheated on him and treated him quite badly when they broke up e.g. keeping all his expensive items after she threw him out of the house they shared.
The break up had been roughly 4 months before we started dating. I never asked him to be in a relationship, I was happy how things were going and everything was just amazing.
I also found out that he had family issues and he asked me very early on while we were dating if I would go with him to his parent's house to drop something off to one of his siblings, he said he felt extremely anxious just going there and that it had become a real psychological problem and he needed some support going there. Of course I told him that I would go and he was really happy about that.
He was always honest and said that he was really insecure and got anxious easily about things. I think he was quite naive in ways (maybe because he was socially awkward and had only been with one girl even though he was in his mid 20's).
For example, he said that if a friend called him on Tuesday to ask if he wanted to go to a club on Friday, he would be all for it and call all his friends to meet at say, 9pm on Friday. Then when Friday rolled around he would get home and feel so anxious about going out and being around many/new people he would just go to sleep. Then when he woke up in the morning he would see all the missed calls/texts and just say sorry, that he fell asleep.
He shared many things with me and I found out later on that he only shared certain things with me, such as the fact that he was having problems at work and that he was really stressed about it.
I had never done anything sexual outside a relationship and I was trying to hold off but things felt so natural and we ended up getting physical, the first time I let him lead and I thought it was strange that he didn't go all the way. The second time we did go all the way and it was really intense for both of us. Afterwards he asked me if I was happy and I said yes and he agreed. It was clear that sex really was a big thing to share.
In the morning I told him that my friend would be angry at me to hear that I had had sex with him, he asked why and I mentioned that she had had a bad friends with benefits situation. He was shocked to hear the story and said that he would never get in to (nor has he ever) a friends with benefits situation. He also added.."wouldn't you just get together as a couple anyway if you're sleeping together?"
Sometimes he would be a bit off with me (texting) but now looking back through the texts where he was 'off' I see that really he was wanting me to chase him, hinting that he wanted to see me but wanting me to make the suggestion because he was maybe shy (he was very shy with me..almost like a little school boy).
As I was playing it cool, I never answered when he would say something like "oh hey, if you're so cold there..then you KNOW where I live..".
The time that I really sensed he must have felt something is when he sent me a picture and I could see a tissue I had given him ages ago. I had given him a tissue to wipe his hands but it was floral and pretty, he is a complete neat freak so for him to clean his room up but keep that tissue on his desk, must be sentimental right? He had cleaned his sticky hands after eating a sweet with it..so why would you want to keep it!
Then there was a bad incident at work and he had apologised if he had been a bit distant (in fact he hadn't been distant at all so this statement took me by surprise). I knew he was on his final warning at work and he was having issues with some colleagues who were kind of ganging up on him. After he told me I asked if he liked me and he said of course, he even booked a day off to spend extra time with me that weekend.
One evening I randomly asked him what he was looking for and he said "to get away from my past but I'm not there yet". This made me a bit upset and I told him that he shouldn't use someone else to do that, that I trusted him and felt like a bit of a fool..
He replied saying he never used me and was enjoying my company, that we were seeing each other and he was happy how things were going, sorry if I thought things were going too slow and just to give him time. I replied saying that I was perfectly happy taking things slow and sorry for saying that to him.
Then things changed. He had gone from texting me lots to suddenly nothing. I thought I would give him space and I wanted to contact him indirectly so I sent him flowers anonymously (to arrive a week later) on his day off. During the week I sent him a text once saying "am I wasting my time?" and he ignored it.
The day the flowers arrived he sent me a text to ask if I sent them and I jokingly said I didn't know what he was talking about. He said if it was me then it means a lot and that I'm really amazingly nice. He was genuinely touched by it and even posted pictures of them on his facebook. He asked me again if it was me and I said yes, that I wanted to do something nice for him as he was always so sweet and thoughtful towards me. That he was having an awful time and work and that I had given him a hard time..so I wanted to do something nice to cheer him up. He replied saying I didn't give him a hard time at all, that he just backed off because he didn't want to hurt me because I'm a good person.
He then asked if we could be friends, that he's a better friend than a boyfriend.
He was still being quiet after that. I sent him a cute picture during the week and said I missed our chats, he ignored it. I then said well I am here whenever he is ready to talk again, that I know he is a good person. He replied straight away cheerfully wishing me good morning and said he's feeling very ill, that it's probably because he's over stressed and asked how I was.
I replied but he didn't reply again. I then asked towards the end of the week if he wanted to hang out and he didn't reply. I then jokinly asked what I had done to make him dislike me so much now, was it because I smelled bad? he replied saying he had shaved off all his hair and was really busy and stressed with work. Then he asked how I was and another question related to my previous text. He then said "I'm not just ignoring you but everyone, I do get quite anti social sometimes".
Then after that I heard nothing from him at all, I didn't contact him either. Then about a week later I saw that he had defriended me on facebook (along with a few other people too). I sent him a text asking what was wrong, that I didn't think anything bad of him, I just was concerned that he was ok.
He also had some of my belongings (DVD's, books etc), I wanted to get them back and was planning to go to his house in a weeks time but had a gut feeling that if I went in a week he wouldn't be living there..so I went the next day. I sent him a text saying I was in the area and did he want a beer. I bought him a beer and a few snacks and knocked on his door.
I was greeted by some of his housemates I'd never met before and they had told me he hadn't been home in 3 days (they did knock on his door to check so I know for sure he wasn't there), that he was moving out on Tuesday because his parents had had a bad fight - his dad is an alcoholic. He was moving back there to look after his mum and younger siblings.
I told them he had had problems at work and suspected that might be a reason but they didn't know anything about it, they said he was a very sensitive and private person. They agreed to give him the beer and snacks on my behalf and they would contact me when they knew he was ok. We agreed that we wouldn't tell him we had talked about him as that would have made the situation worse.
I know if he was anxious just thinking about visiting his parent's house then he would be going through hell having to move back there. I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything to help but knew he needed space.
About 2 weeks went past and I thought I would send him another text. I said that I wasn't looking for answers, I was just worried that he was ok. That I didn't think anything bad of him nor regretted anything that happened between us. That I push people away when my head isn't in the right place so I understand and that I am still here as a friend so he is always welcome to contact me.
It's been over 1 month since he last contacted me, I did send him one text a few days ago with a cute picture (I always sent him cute animal pictures in the past and he would love them saying they'd made his day). I sent him the picture and just said "hope you're doing ok :)"
I use an iphone and I could see that he had read the message pretty quickly. I know from when he was ignoring me before he would leave the messages unread for as long as possible..so I'm guessing the fact that he read the message quick this time must mean that he wanted to read it? Again, he didn't reply.
It's so difficult because no matter how critically I look back at everything, I KNOW he is a good sweet person and that he was really in to me. If he was a straight out bastard this would be so much easier to deal with. As he is going through a hard time at the moment I'm sure he isn't thinking straight. As he is insecure and maybe depressed again he is probably expecting that I will just forget him and move on but I want him to know that I'm different. I really like him and just because he is hurt it doesn't make him any less of a person.
I was planning to send him a little text every now and then to let him know I'm thinking of him, without the pressure of making him feel like he needs to contact me back. What do you think?
Also the fact that he has my things gives me reason to still contact him.
Funnily enough, the last time we saw each other he asked me if I wanted to take my things with me and I said I'd keep them at his house for future, so I didn't have to bring them back and forth. I then jokingly said "don't sell them when I'm gone" and he genuinely got a bit upset by that. Of course I said I was only joking. So I really don't think he's the kind of person to just keep my things. Maybe he is just embarrassed by the whole situation, or thinks he isn't good enough for me?
I know he isn't in the right mind for a relationship now but I don't want to give up yet because something was there and I am willing him to give him all the time and space he needs. I have tried dating other people but it just isn't the same, I miss him so much.
I've also noticed that he has deleted his dating profiles, he has had them since he broke up with his ex. A few of my friends think that he started to develop feelings about me and got scared so backed away. I myself have suffered from depression in the past and personally, I always pushed people away and hoped that they would fight for me.
I really hope this wasn't too difficult to read and I really appreciate any help or advice :) Thank you.
