We are in love but she needs time to put the past behind her and be normal again.

Okay, let me try and run down the situation the best that I can. This girl and I started talking a little over 8 months ago. We had decided to pursue each other because we had feelings for each other. So we began to get closer and things got really intense between us. On January 1st we had out first official "date". There is a catch though. So, when we started talking she was still with her ex-boyfriend. This was about a month and half before our first date and all, and she told me that she had feelings for me like she never did before and that she had found that he just wasn't the one for her in terms of being in a relationship. Actually a week into us talking she had found out the he had lied to her about smoking marijuana for 2 years. He had promised her that he quit for her. Not only that but he lied to her a consistent basis about other things. He was just sneaky and she lost the sense of trust for him ultimately leading to the downfall of their relationship. So, among all of this however she still wanted to be friends with him because he is her childhood friend and they had been friends before they started dating since they were young. I totally understood this from the beginning and have been extremely supportive. In fact, she has told me that she wouldn't have been able to get out of the rut she was being pulled into if I hadn't came along. So, it gets even crazier though. She had broken up with just as she had promised me she would because I know how sticky that can be and I wasn't going to be played as a fool even if I had been so strongly attracted to her. That was a month before our first date but she had liked me or in-least been interested in me for some time before that. But, on March 8th the ex-boyfriend seriously attempted to kill himself. He took his car into a telephone pool on his street at 50 mph. I just happened to be with her at the time she was notified and she was really upset I mean this guy tried to kill himself over her... it's insane. So, our relationship had been made officiated because she was afraid that he would do something again and she would look responsible to everyone in her family for the death of him. She had told me over and over again that she just needs time and is figuring things out before she gets in an official relationship with me. I understand this because she is completely broken. To help understand a little better let me give some examples of what she has said to me:


Okay so on March 4th, I recieved this from her in a little letter. We started talking on a 4th so it was sort of like a anniversary thing.:

"I love you. You never cease to amaze me. Literally! I fall deeper in love with you as each day goes by. I've developed an infatuation for you! Ever since I saw you in the hall that day last year, I've been mesmerized. I adore absolutely everything about you. You're intelligent, spontaneous, a gentlemen, courteous, handsome, musically intact, gallant, and open-minded. You treat me like gold, and you've pulled me out of a rut that I was unfortunately being dragged into. My life would be completely different if it weren't for you. It is impossible to explicated how thankful I am. I would be headed down the wrong road if you wouldn't have came into my life. You saved me. For that, I'm never letting you go. I'll always be by your side, no matter what. Despite any differences we may have, I'll be there. You have made such a large impact on my life, and you challenge me every single day, mentally and physically ... there is a little more but it doesn't matter as much...

But, now we had gotten into an argument two days ago about her not specifically wanting a relationship because of various reason and she texted me this at 4:04 AM, three hours after we got off of skype. -_-. lol

"I've never been treated so well until you came along, despite our several disputes. I'm sorry that i'm incapable of showing how I feel through affection or whatever you expect from me. I'm sorry you consider this being a relationship and I act as if I don't give any **** whatsoever. I'm just really messed up and have trust issues and feel like I don't deserve anyone. If it's not that then I feel like I don't want or need anyone. If it's not that then I feel vulnerable. I'm not making you stay. That's entirely up to you. I've made this so complicated and hard to deal with, I'd understand if you gave up. I just need time to figure everything out, and actually be normal again. I've said this so many times that you'd think I would've had enough time. But the fact that i've done so much with him halts me from doing so, or in-least I think it does. But I want you to know that you do mean a lot to me, and you've proven something to me that no one else has. Whether you stay or not is up to you, I just don't want to lose you completely."

I replied to this in a very supportive way and I also apologized for not considering the depths of the emotional scars she has when judging any aspect of our relationship.

EDIT: There is another text I received a day or so before that text where she said she is sorry she can't explicate how she feels but she does feel all that she said.

So, here is my question. I am in love with this girl, and I honestly believe she is in love with me. I just want to know how to approach things from now on. I mean we do everything as if we are in a relationship she just seems distant emotionally sometimes and we aren't official. I am willing to do what I can. How should I approach the whole situation moving forward?

I think this woman is either feeling guilty over the ex and is afraid of a commitment. You can try to be there for her and be supportive but she may need professional help. The ex really screwed up her head

Yeah, I've heard that sense of guilt come out many times. I have been here for her. I don't plan on changing that. haha. I'm just interested as in a higher sense of summarizing the whole situation and figuring out exactly how to approach this on a ultimate level so that that path for a relationship can be laid!

I can honestly say that I think this one is beyond me. I think if I were you I would gently suggest that she seek professional help. Its a fine line to walk though because you don't want her thinking that you are suggesting she is nuts.

Shes going through a lot right now and does need support. However i dont think you should be the one to give it to her. You need to distance yourself from her-give her space and time to heal and do whatever she needs to do. Shes in no place to be in any sort of relationship and if you two get together now-it will be dysfunctional and shell prob hurt you again and again without meaning to.

I think you should tell her that she should look after herself, surround herself with family and friends-even get some counselling if she needs to. Tell her your feelings for her are too strong and you cannot be the friend she needs right now as you dont want to get sucked into an emotional roller coaster that will just end in tears. Tell her maybe one day if your both still single when shes ready things will work out between you.

Then i think you should try to move on. If she contacts you again in the futue, you can decide then whether youd like to take her on a date or not. Dont wait around for her though. If you meet someone else-then go for it and leave this one in the past

I feel as if we are already in to deep for me to give her that space. She would hurt even worse because she has asked me not to go and given me all I've asked for. I have put myself in a position where I let her come to me whenever she wants to. I have enabled myself to be that friend as well as partner that she's in need of, and there is no going back. Is there any other viable options, even though I sound crazy, to get through this and be with her without just completely cutting her off?

Total rebound. Tough as it is, this will go no further. Go no contact so you can heal and move on from this experience.

For example her family and I are really the only ones she has. It's weird because it's like we are in a relationship there is just no label. Honestly, I think my best bet is to get closer to her through time and continue how I have been but through just a tad bit of distance in there, letting her come to me but not pushing her into making any decisions about our relationship now. I'm a man, I can handle a little bit of waiting,

and to the rebound thing, I've talked to her about that. We liked each other before they even seperated and as you can see it's not some little fling where she doesn't want to be with me she just cares about me enough to be open and honest...

You guys are missing my key statement that she does want to be with me and has done 75% of this because of the fact she does want to be with me.

It's all talk buddy............

Maybe you have a hero complex. You are mirroring all the good stuff about her that she is DESPERATE for. The thing is, unless she learns to self-soothe and deal with herself, she will not be a good partner for anyone. Her ex was abusive at worst, very unstable at best. This is what she was attracted to and that is not healthy. She is not a healthy person. If you choose to continue with her, do it with eyes wide open. There is a power disparity at work here. You cannot love or "help" someone else into health. You cannot. It doesn't work that way. She needs to start a long term process of recovery and healing, preferably with a therapist instead of a love interest. That she is blurring this line with you is troubling. Ask yourself why you are allowing it. And don't say love. Learn about loving detachment, for THAT is the only and best thing you can do for her to facilitate healing.

No one tries to commit suicide by driving at 50 into a phone pole. lol You would need to careen off a very high cliff, or drive 100mph into a tanker. Regardless, I call total BS on that one.

Here's some foreshadowing you're about to experience...the way they come to you, is the way they will go out on you. So, if she was taking up with you while in a relationship with someone else, be aware this is exactly what she's probably already doing, or will be soon.

This girl seems to like to overlap guys, she's giving you the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I'd move on...

Well another weird thing is before I went on vacation for three days on Easter break she had gotten on Skype and cried saying that she loves me and doesn't know how to show it other than saying it. She had said that she contemplates the fact of it not being enough everyday and that only way to show it would be to make "us" official. However, I knew that couldn't happen because of everything. She has said multiple times that she just wants to be with me, I just think it's all hitting her now. So, I'm sitting her back and letting her come to me. I haven't done anything but be there for her. When she's ready to come to me I believe she will. I will just have to have her initiate all forms of contact until she decides it's time to put a label on us and make a commitment. She just mentioned yesterday, jokingly about how she sees me in her future with marriage and how she is going to force us to get married in a catholic church. I just think she needs a little time to find herself.

She's yanking your chain, babe. Smarten up.