Heart broken, please read...
Hey everyone,
Excuse the length but I need all the help I can get at the moment...
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 18 months. She is my first everything. 1st major relationship. 1st relationship long than a month :|, first romantic kiss, first time I had sex, first time I fell in love. I thought we were totally head over heels in love. We even talked about marriage and one day if we wanted kids, to which we both said yes.
I work in fitness. She works as an airline stewardess for BA and is probably on average gone for 3 or 4/7 days per week.
Before she met me she lived with her dad 80 miles away from my house - but ended up unofficially officially living with me in my house (along with my mum, brother and his girlfriend) because it is hugely closer to the airport she flys from and would save her a 90 minute �20 drive every time. Then one day just totally out of the blue she told me she wanted to end the relationship because the passion had gone, she wasn't happy with me any more, didn't love me except like a friend and didn't see a future with me. Totally out of the blue, no warning, no talks, just bam, now I'm single. She left on a Tuesday with half of her stuff from my house and we agreed later that she could collect the rest that Saturday.
The very next day, Wednesday, she ended up talking to my brothers girlfriend explaining to her that she thought she had made a mistake, and wanted me back. In the mean time, I stopped crying and decided to go on a personal mission to prove to her that I was the man for her. I was totally unaware of how she felt until she told me Saturday - she wanted to tell me in person. So come Saturday, as she rolls up, she gets out of the car, gives me a big hug and tells me she wants this to work. I didn't even really have to say my speech, I already had her back, but I gave her the jist of it anyway just so she knew what I was about.
She told me that she was just confused, and actually did love me and wanted me back. She also promised she would talk about this stuff with me from now on, instead of springing it on me. Well, fast forward 3 weeks (2 days ago), she does the exact same thing again. We went from having a beer in the back garden playing cards around the table with my bro and his gf, to her telling me that she wants to end it again (in private of course). Again, no warning, just boom, single again. No matter what I could of said nothing would of changed her mind. She knew the outcome of the talk before we had it, and had pre hardened her heart to anything I could say.
The really, seriously, super frustrating thing is that the things that were pulling us apart which we agreed to change hadn't been fixed yet - YET - as it was only 3 weeks after having sourced them as the problems. But here she goes making rash decisions based on the exact same stuff as before, before the situation has even had change to change! She says that in the last 3 weeks after getting back with me after the 1st dumping that actually she doesn't love me again, and is still confused, and any time she told me in the last 3 weeks she loved me or wanted to make our relationship work was just out of sympathy, regret or guilt.
It has been a few days now, and I am going through phases of feeling incredibly down, after all the love of my life left me twice in 1 month, to feeling angry, to feeling like "you know what, f*** this".
I still have faith that our relationship could work if we had the right situation. I still want her back, but on my terms. I don't want to be heartbroken again. But I don't want to lose her.
She has gone from being totally truly in love talking about future marriage and children, to not loving me and leaving me, to regretting leaving me, to coming back telling me she loves me, to leaving me again saying she doesn't love me after all.... see the pattern?? I am half expecting her sometime soon to say she misses me and wants me back.
I am open to the possibility that she might want me back. I am also open to the fact that she might be gone for good. She has now moved back to her dads 80 miles away so its not like we are ever going to bump into each other accidentally. For now, she is officially gone. I intend on not contacting her like I did the 1st time, but she left a lot of stuff here by mistake and I don't want her stuff in my house, but it's too expensive or nice to throw away. Should I ask her to come collect it? That might make me seem like all I want to do is see her and am desperate. I am just going to take my life day by day, and let it unfold as it is, without pursuing her, but whilst hoping she comes back - also while baring in mind she may never.
She just flew to Barbados with her airline so I think she is going to have a real easy time getting over me! In fact, as I type, she is on the way back, she will land in about 5 hours time, but its just a matter of time before she goes to USA or whatever.
I am so sorry for typing so much, I feel like I could go on forever. Based on the things I have told you all, what are your opinions?
Should I move on?? I dont want to to be honest, as I feel like we can resolve it, I still have faith in us. Should I forget about her but get on with my life? Should I try to get her back??
Much respect, and many thanks.
Casper.
