Don't know what you have until its gone?

Hey,

I'll try and summarise up my story of 13 months:

Guy I was friends with 5 years ago, we stopped talking for 3 years, we used to have a crush on each other but were too shy. And then 3 years later he randomly texts me, saying I was on his mind, and from then on we non-stop talk and we get together.

We fall deeply in love with each other, and it didn't take long to realize we were meant for each other.

We made plans for our future, neither of us had any commitment problems.

But I made a mistake. I took for granted what I had. He done everything for me, he wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to talk to me all the time, play games with me, watch movies with me, he was always up for going out and having adventures with me, he loved me until he couldn't take it anymore. I became distant, I was stressed from other stuff in life and I let it interfere with our relationship. I didn't fight enough because I didn't think things would end between us so easily.

When he ended things with me, it was a shock, and he still loved me a lot, he told me that all the time. I was so upset and scared, I made the bad mistake of sending him loads of texts, the only things he would reply with is "I still love you" and "I just need time apart"... I didn't give him time apart because I thought he secretly wanted me to show him I cared (something I picked up from him throughout our relationship).

We ended up going out a few times and having a great time, but I allowed my feelings to get in the way, when things would be going well I'd feel it was a good time to drop in my feelings of how much I miss him - this was always a bad idea.

He done so much for me, he never gave up on me when I was being cold and distant, and now he's gone I realized every bad mistake I made and how much I want to improve myself for him. I believe we can work through it, however I pushed him away during our break up, making all of the break up mistakes in the book.

I'm trying to give him NC now, hoping he will miss me, but also using the time to try and move on because whatever happens will be for the best.

But is there any way we can bounce back from this? In our relationship we never really had any serious arguments, we worked through a fair few problems and compromised, we were strong. But towards the end I guess I didn't show interest as much, and he said I became inconsiderate and that he "doesn't need that". Basically I screwed up big time, and we had so much love between us that I'm just so upset with myself for taking it for granted.

I manage to find silver linings all the time, I just want some advice, and anything positive. I don't need people telling me it's run it's course and to give up, because that I can figure out when I want to, but for now, all it takes is for one person to fight for a relationship for it to work one day, right? I'm so sure he'll realise some stuff when he finally has time to clear his head.

I'm going to go forward with NC, so far it's been 3 days, and I'm going to put myself out there, hang out with friends and try everything I can to improve myself, and just hope one day, we could reconcile. Our love was true. :(

Not speaking with someone you care about is a tough situation, but its important to distance yourself. What you need to do right now more than anything else is to be the better you.


Look at it this way, the person that you were became agitated, you became distant, you became cold, and looking back on all of it, you regret doing all of those things. Seeing how you were doesn't mean that isn't how you're going to be in the future.


You need to take this time and really look into the reasons you became that way with him. Focus on removing those negative tendencies and becoming the you that you want to be for yourself. Be alone for a little bit and become stronger by it.


Nothing impresses an ex more than seeing positive changes to the person they used to date. When he sees that you've become stronger, more confident, more open and less distant, there may be a chance for reconciliation. If not, then the next amazing guy you find will benefit even more from this experience. Either way, if you focus on these "improvements" it will lead you down the path of happiness.

I doubt it, honestly. And it takes two, not one.

The biggest reason a man stays with a woman is because of how she makes him feel - if she can make him feel good about himself, and like he's doing a great job in caring for her. You didn't do this. You pushed this guy past the brink, and it sounds like he's done putting energy towards you, because it simply wasn't worth it.

Life lessons for the next one...

dont beat yourself up for how you reacted when you guys split up. its normal. we go into denial, we cling to the hope that this person will change their mind and we fight hard to save it. it happens to everyone at some point and then you feel like a complete tool afterwards. well dont feel bad-its a normal reaction and you couldnt help how you felt at the time.

now you are out of the denial stage and willing to accept that he may not come back although you are still hoping he will.

its unlikely hun. im not gonna lie. its important though that you stop blaming yourself. its not like you beat him or cheated on him or told the world he has a small d**k. you never intentionally hurt him. you had a lot going on and forgot to nurture what you had. it happens. if you and he were really meant to be-you would have worked through it. i think if a relationship ends in the first 2years-it really just means your not compatable and there is nothing you can do about it

accept its over, stay busy, look after yourself and in time you will heal. nobody is perfect so stop dwelling on every little thing you ever said or did that may or may not have upset him. thats a part of being in love. sometimes you upset each other without knowing it or meaning to. you argue sometimes, fight then you kiss and make up and forgive each other.

sometimes though you just realize its not working and it ends-thats life

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i think if a relationship ends in the first 2years-it really just means your not compatable and there is nothing you can do about it

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I know, it's just hard to accept, because we were so compatible :( We understood each other like crazy, sometimes we would be embarrassed of our little views on certain things and then it would turn out we both shared that view. We could talk about anything, we never lost the spark between us, everything was healthy and great when we seen each other but when we didn't see each other for a short while and we had the stress of work and stuff on us, I ended up letting it get to me, I just wish he had of said something to let me know that it was so bad he might not stay, because then we coulda worked through it, but I guess he just wanted things to change themselves, which never happened. And I truly believed we could of worked it out afterwards, had I of not ended up becoming desperate : ( Oh well. Thanks for the advice, I'll do all I can to take care of myself and hopefully one day I won't feel like I need him. :french:

Don't blame yourself for all of the break-up. He could have let you know he was thinking of leaving before giving up on the relationship. It seems like he was equally responsible for the relationship not working out. Just live and learn. You'll move on and find a brighter future.

I'm going to say that I wouldn't give up hope entirely - mostly because I was in a similar situation to this myself a few years ago. Yes you should forge ahead with giving him the space he asked for and taking care of yourself, living your life without him for the time-being but I think it's still entirely possible that things could work out if you don't make that the be-all and end-all. Bombarding him with texts and trying to force conversations about feelings post the break-up was obviously a bad idea but on some level I'm sure he must understand how that kind of panic can set in when the dynamics of a relationship suddenly change. It seems that he broke up with you largely because you took him for granted - being sorry that you did that is all well and good but as my husband told me when we had our pre-marital time-out, 'saying you're sorry isn't always enough, sometimes you have to actually change'. Personally I think the golden rule with giving relationships a second shot is that you should only do it if you've fixed what went wrong the first time, otherwise you're almost certainly just going to end up back in the same place again x amount of time down the line. I know several couples who have broken up and then six months later say 'hey, we were good together, lets give it another shot' without even remotely addressing the reasons why they broke up - and then they're amazed when they break up again for exactly the same reasons. It's really not rocket science, so I would say whether or not he will be open to a reconciliation in the future isn't what's important right now - much more important to do the hard work on yourself so that history doesn't repeat itself, be it with this guy second-time-around or someone new.

no relationship lasts without comunication. it is the key to success in every are of life and love. if he was feeling neglectef he should have spoken up a lot sooner. your not a mind reader so please stop blaming yourself.

plus hardly anyone tells the truth when ending a relationship.i broke up with my ex coz i felt he was too clingy, too girlie, a bit gay, a bit of a wimp and i was completely unattracted to him to the point where the thought of sleeping with him made my skin crawl. did i tell him that? no. i said im not ready for a serious relationship and emotionally i am not in a good place so its impossible for me to fall in love right now..