I feel so stupid for being this confused
The other night I had a long talk with my boyfriend. His in his late twenties and I'm in my early twenties. For the past few weeks and over the course of our relationship I've had doubts. He has been married once before and has a son from that previous marriage. On my end though this is my first relationship. I've been sheltered most of my life from being home schooled for many years and I have huge social anxiety. My boyfriend himself is insecure from his previous wife cheating on him and ending their relationship. He can be easily jealous at times and jump to conclusions about the smallest thing. We met online and have been dating for about seven months now . I have been feeling trapped in our relationship some since he is saying we will be together forever. While I do love him this word forever scares me. I feel I would be missing out on a lot in my life if I just settled on my first relationship. He noticed something was wrong and finally asked me about it the other night. We talked and I was saying in my gut I was feeling I shouldn't be in love at the moment. He told me he loved me, was there for me, wouldn't love any other woman, but me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me if I would allow him to spend these years with him. I couldn't answer out right I was crying too much and my emotions were all confused. I really love him but then again I have never experienced love before so I don't know if this is just first love effects or actual love and not the idea of being in love. At one point in the conversation after I had told him I felt young and wasn't as experienced as him and that I wanted to go out and experience my self as young adult and that saying forever seemed to stop me from doing that. After this point he started to say he was glad for the time we had together and that he will always be a friend for me. At this point we were both crying and when he started to talk about being only a friend the pain washing over me I couldn't take it. I really really couldn't it hurt so bad. That panic and fear that set in that I wouldn't get to talk to him like I use to that I wouldn't get to be with him that I would be alone. It scared me so bad and I told that no I didn't want to end it I couldn't not be with him It hurt not having him. He asked me if I was serious I said yes I wanted to be with him with the rest of my life and forever. He was very happy and at that moment I was happy and relieved and it felt like my doubts were cleared up. The old saying you don't know what you got until its got came to mind because I realized I was about to lose him and it felt so painful to do so.
After going to be and sleeping I woke up with a nausea gut feeling. An off feeling that I had made things with him very real and that maybe I shouldn't have said I wanted to be with him and it was too late to end it again because it would be horrible considering he gave me the chances to end it the other night. He gave me aleast three chances and I didn't take them. If I were to turn around and be a fickle confused stupid woman and break up with him after we had this long talk and I said those things to him. It just seems so wrong and cruel specially when I know his insecure and something like this could break him and make him hate me forever. I just really don't know what I want. My thoughts are did I only want to stay with because I've been alone for along time and he was giving me attention or was it because his my first love. I really am so confused and need some advise please help me :/
(Extra Info: we haven't met in person and have been having a long distance relationship online)
