At My Wits End

I am a 51 year old man. she is a 49 year old women. We have been married 30 years. Two years ago I found her having an emotional affair with a man in Europe. It was the typical "my soul mate, I love you, I don't love my husband..etc.." I confronted her, we talked, she apologised and we got past it. (or so I thought) Fast forward to the fall of last year. We went on a month vacation down south but she was really with drawn and seemed to always be angry. I was always walking on eggshells afraid to do anything to trip her off. She spent a lot of time on her laptop playing online gaming. We came home from our trip and she continued to play these games and then stated she wanted to take a trip back down south with one of her girlfriends. I was a little apprehensive about this but not wanting to live a life of mistrust and suspicion I agreed and off she went. Two days later I found out she went south to meet another male friend from Europe. I confronted her and she cut the trip short and came home. We’ve talked, she claims nothing happened, you know "we are just friends" speech. We talked and she can not tell me why she did it. I went to counselling, she refused. It has been 6 months since this happened. She has become a cold, distant person who does not want sex or shows no affection other than the 'I love you" at the end of a phone call. She does not want me touching her.
I have attempted many, many times to get her to talk to me about what is going on, she claims there is nothing wrong and she does not know what is happening to her. She is going through menopause and attributes her lack of desire and mood change on this. She continues to play online and is adamant that she is no longer chatting.
I work two jobs, she is retired. We have a comfortable life and she can have anything she wants. I tell her she is beautiful every day and that I love her. I leave little notes to try and try to brighten her day regularly but it seems I am the one who is expending all the effort trying to get this back on track.
I m emotionally, mentally exhausted and am at the end of my rope with this. I love her dearly but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with her.

J

i think she wants out of your marriage. im sorry your going through this-it must be v hard but i think you are flogging a dead horse and for your own wellbeing you should probably walk away.

you have tried everything to no avail and i think leaving her may just be make or break. it will either shock her into realizing she loves you, shes sorry and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix it or she will say dont let the door hit you on the way out.

its admirable how strong you have been and how hard you have tried to forgive her. you should be proud. you dont deserve to be treated this way after 30years-noone does and i think its time you put you first and walk away before your health starts to suffer.

you will end up having a heartattack from the stress so you need to remove yourself from this situation. if she loves you-she will fight for you-if not, you need to focus on healing and get counselling to help you get through this

i wish you luck and happieness stay strong

Thanks Michelle for the honest truth answer. I know what I am faced with. The emotional toll this is taking on me is incredible and my wife seems so indifferent to it. She claims she loves me but her actions do not reflect this. I even said to her you don't do this to someone you are suppose to love but she claims she sees nothing wrong with the way she acts, including the no sex and complete lack of affection. I am considered an attractive-inteligent man and I am confident that I would not have much trouble finding a lady, but I have so much invested in this relationship with a lady I planned on spending my life with. It seems now the stark reality of starting a new pase of my life is in the making. Again thank you very much for your advice.

J

Have an affair yourself. Let it start out as an "eye for an eye". Gradually, if a woman falls for you an you enjoy her company more than your wife's you'll see that the problem is not you (or her); rather, it is that death will end you and all you have left to do in your life is to fulfill whatever you desire. Without desire, there is no world. Try it and write back after a year to update us with your findings.

You mentioned online gaming. I think that is where evil comes from. Addiction that makes her selfish and all she can think is me me me. Now she dont even notice how much you do for both of you. Bet before this gaming things where bearable. Anyway you seemed to be nice. Thats the problem. When nice guy trys to do psihical escalation its a disaster. She might love you but she dont respect you. All the good thinks you gave her came too easy. SHe dont apreciate that(when things you do is expected not apreciated you have to stop doing these things). You spoilet her. She might think that you gona be there for her forever. But its time to show that you wont.

This could help you understand

"Wow... he let me treat him this way, he let me do this to him. He is afraid to be man, if he lets me do this thing to him, what else will he let me do? Will he protect me when I need him? Maybe not, if he is afraid to put me in my place. How can he protect me from another man when I need him? He is not the secure guy I thought. He looks weak to me. I can manipulate him now to do what I want him to do. I can get away with anything now. I can do what I want. I'm in control of things now. He is not. He will jump through my hoops. I can tell him what to do. How can I take him seriously anymore when he won't stand up to me? He is not a challenge, maybe I need to look for another guy. His insecure behavior really disgusts me. He is not a man that I need. I have to let him go. I need another guy. He is gone, we are over."

Please ignore the advice you got "an eye for an eye". You sound like a decent man so i suspect you already know two wrongs dont make it right.

I hope you are doing okay and have started a new chapter in your life