Girlfriend & Reassurance

Girlfriend and I (Boyfriend) made this account to seek relationship advice together.

Brief background:
Seeing each other for about a month, get along really well. Have yet to have an actual argument. Things are moving faster than usual it seems (Met each others parents, told each other we love each other). Seems natural though that we've met parents as we're both stay at home geeks.

I'd say I am very forward and direct about what I am thinking so if I sense there is a problem I'll try address it immediately.
GF on the other hand is not, it is more natural for her to dwell on things and not spell them out.

We accept each other this way.

The problem we are running into is she sometimes needs reassurance about certain aspects of her behaviour. These are mostly trivial things (from my perspective) though she feels they may push me away over time.
For example...
She is naturally playful but can exceed my own boundaries at times. I have to ask her to slow down and that can make her feel as if I dislike her.

Her mood seems to suddenly shift at times where she feels scared I won't continue to put up with these sorts of things. I try to reassure her but it isn't something I like having to do because it makes me feel as though she will never be truly at ease which means neither will I.
Anyone have some advice for us?

I think the fact that you are trying to find someone to re-word what you have already told her should be enough. Just because you want it slow doesn't mean she should hide away or feel disliked. She just needs to learn to take baby steps. If you guys have a good relationship, and it seems you do, then she should trust what you say, and vice versa. If she reads this then this is for her, stop worrying so much about things that won't matter a week, a month, or a year from now. When things happen they just do, and if your being told that everything is ok, then trust me, it really is ok and shouldn't be read into so deeply. Yes, things can really be that easy and until you are told otherwise that something isn't ok, then you have nothing to be afraid of. When someone is forward, they are also blunt, and when they are blunt they don't BS, so what's the problem?

Also, nothing wrong with being a gentlemen and treating a lady as that, a lady. ;) Respect, trust, honesty... these are all things a relationship is built on. Work on that foundation and the good stuff comes later.

Well, first off you guys have been seeing each other for a month. It seems to me that she's in that stage of "I'm afraid to displease my spouse" stage, in fear that if they do something that you don't like you'll go ape shit and not see them the same way you saw them when you started dating or having feelings for them. It's natural but, as previously stated, she needs to just relax and let things happen. If your spouse says to slow down or change something, don't take it as a negative thing. You shouldn't feel like you're walking on egg shells with the other person, so don't. If the girl is reading this, your guy has obviously taken a liking to you for you. No need to start trying to make things completely flawless because nothing ever is. And if it is, it's a lie. Or not human and artificially made in a lab.

Your basic personalities are incompatible.

You tell her to "slow down" when she "exceeds your boundaries"? Yeesh. That's like when I was 7, and my Dad would tell me to "calm down". The dynamic of your relationship is inappropriate.

It's clear you're not a match. You want her to be someone else. And she should not have to change her personality to be with you, or anyone.

I think you're very young, very inexperienced, and after a month of dating, and though you think you're "in love", you really have no idea what that means.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by namemyname [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you're very young, very inexperienced, and after a month of dating, and though you think you're "in love", you really have no idea what that means.

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As a wise sage once prosed:

"What is love?

baby don't hurt me.. no more."

So basically she is the problem? I don't mean to be facetious but why is the onus on her to change to fit with you? You say you accept each other's differences but then you appear to go on to explain why her behaviour needs correcting, hell, even she seems to have the mind-set that she needs to change or you won't put up with her for long - who or what is making her feel that way? I don't know either of you, perhaps she really is the one who needs to change, but I don't see you offering to compromise or change anything about yourself to fit with her.

It's only been a month. A lot of people have insecurities and anxiety at the start of a relationship. If you have a strong relationship, it should decline with time. To her, I would recommend trying to act and feel more confident until it comes more naturally. To you, I would recommend being sensitive to the fact that she still needs reassurance. When you ask her for something that might make her insecure, try to watch how you word the request. Then do your best to show her that you still care for her. Tell her something positive or give her a hug or a kiss. If you can, see if you can try to do it before she gets to the point of feeling insecure and needing reassurance. When she sees that you're always there for her, she will start to relax and trust you more.

stop over analyzing everything. go and have fun together, relax and enjoy what you have. it takes time to understand and accept each other and its normal to feel anxious in the beginning. stop all this serious talk-take her out, laugh, go to the zoo, a carnival whatever..

its only a month in. im not sure what you mean by "slow down" but if it feels right-stop worrying so much about moving too fast etc. take the risk. if your too cautious you could push a great girl away

So she's playful? Are you committed to a morose life or can you let a bit of sun in from time to time? I'm not sure what you mean by 'playful' but people are generally excited about each other within the first few months; they're happy, endorphin's are running high...why would you want to stamp that out? I'm sure you guys can reach a compromise but maybe you should reassess your boundaries a bit...

You probably need to explain/give examples because I'm not seeing where she's doing anything wrong.

The problem I'm seeing is in her insecurities (which there's nothing terribly wrong with unless they affect the relationship which seems to be here). The sad part is that the only thing you can do for her, as a boyfriend, is reassure her. However, in the end, she must find her own strength to overcome insecurities. So, maybe reassuring her a tiny bit would help her remember after a while that you're not going to walk away so easily- that she'd have to REALLY mess up (like cheat or something) for you to end it. And she needs to remember this so you don't get burned out in the long run. I hope this doesn't scare your girlfriend, but I can kind of relate... Even though I'm gay, I was involved with a guy once who I loved very much. In the end, though, my own insecurities that he'd walk away ended up pushing him away. To your girlfriend, remember this man loves you and that you've identified this problem LONG BEFORE it's too late. Whenever you start to think insecure thoughts, I request you think to yourself, "I love him, and he loves me. He's not going to walk away. We're okay."

As a plan B, however, I also recommend trying the EFT exercise. You'll be able to find videos on youtube on how to perform that and (if it works) do it discreetly in public if you need to. Basically, it's a tapping exercise, and it's helped me in the past. It's pretty relaxing, so maybe it'll work?

I wish the two of you the best of luck. I certainly think you can overcome this, especially since you were both willing to make an account for this instead of one person (like we usually see). :) Hope this helps.