I don't know how to talk to people.

Maybe I'm better off breaking down my various social issues to basic levels and working at them one at a time...

As many of you know from my posts in the past, I've never been able to make and have friends, date, or really have any kind of proper social circle.

One thing that's occurred to me is that I just... don't really know how to talk to people. I don't really like "chitchat" (stuff like "The weather outside is x" or "How about that local sports team"), to begin with; just seems like meaningless crap that nobody ACTUALLY cares about, but just uses to fill dead air. Plus, I tend to not have "follow ups" for this kind of thing. For instance, if I say to someone "The weather is nice today, isn't it?", and they say "Yes, it is", I wouldn't know what to say next. Then it would have just been an awkward failed conversation starter just hanging out there.

I can do a little better if someone starts a conversation with me, but I tend to run out of things pretty quickly, so even those usually fall off pretty fast. It's hard to really describe the problem here. I know my inability to converse like a normal person makes me come off as awkward, and I can usually feel the awkwardness when I'm around someone else as I try to think (often unsuccessfully) of something to say to them. It's not that I don't WANT to talk to people, I just... never know what to say. Which is a difficult way to put this problem, because how do you fix it? It's not a matter of "Do this" or "Do that", it's just a matter of me not having anything to say to anybody roughly 75% of the time I'm around people.

Heck, twice in the last week, I've had people say "Why are you so quiet? You need to talk more", and I never really know how to respond to that. I mean, I'm not quiet on purpose, I just... don't know what to say, when to say it, etc. *sigh*

Honestly you sound exactly like me a year or so ago. Some things for you to think about:

-Be funny be funny. People like funny. Small-talk is best used as a means to get information which you can joke about and form connections over. Never ever small-talk just because you think you should, because it's just a massive turn off. Generally starting a conversation should be in the form of Hi -> How are you? -> Humour in response to whatever they say.

-Put yourself out there as much as possible. Even if you say almost nothing, or say completely the wrong thing, it's still improving your social skills. This is really the most important thing.

-Smiling is good. If you can smile or laugh properly and warmly on cue it'll help a lot, people will feel more relaxed around you and so on. Similarly, don't be shy with your body language, make eye contact with people and just generally act comfortable. Oh and say Hi to people, again as warmly as you can manage.

Oh yeah and I've had some experience of being asked "why I'm so quiet" :/ Try opening up a bit and telling them it's because you can never think of something to say, they'll understand and it'll give you something to talk about with them.

Hope that helps a bit :)

The point of that initial 'chitchat' is to find a topic in common. Let me give you a conversation starting with the weather

Ind: it's been so cold lately
BnT: Yes, it has. But that's good because I'm going skiing soon and want good cover.
Ind: (now has choice of)

a) Oh, I ski too - where do you stay?
b) I've always wanted to learn to ski - any tips?
c) I'm more of a summer sport person. What other sports do you enjoy?

And for what it's worth, the majority of people would answer your comment about the weather with more than "yes it is". And if they do happen to use a conversation stopper like that, then walk away and find someone else to talk with.

Another conversation starter. (we're at a party and have never met each other before)

BnT: (after swapping our names) So, how do you know the host?
Ind: oh, we went to college together
BnT: now has choice of
a) what did you study? (I can now ask about your career)
b) what college did you go to? (perhaps I went to the same one or we have other friends in common)
c) what kind of things did you and the host get up to in college? (from here I can find mutual interest to discuss)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pacachomp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

-Be funny be funny. People like funny.

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See, I WANT to be "funny", I WANT to make people laugh. But from what I gather, I'm not very funny. I dunno. I think I'm funny, I make myself laugh all the time with stupid and/ or goofy observations and jokes, and stuff, but my humor doesn't seem to land well with most people. Kinda bums me out, because like I said, I WANT to be a funny person that can make people laugh, but I feel like most people don't "get" my sense of humor.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pacachomp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Generally starting a conversation should be in the form of Hi -> How are you? -> Humour in response to whatever they say.

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Here's how that usually goes for me:

Me: How are you doing?
Person: I'm good, how are you?
Me: I'm doing alright.

Then I can't think of anything else to say. So either the conversation just awkwardly ends there, or I wait until they say something.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The point of that initial 'chitchat' is to find a topic in common. Let me give you a conversation starting with the weather

Ind: it's been so cold lately
BnT: Yes, it has. But that's good because I'm going skiing soon and want good cover.
Ind: (now has choice of)

a) Oh, I ski too - where do you stay?
b) I've always wanted to learn to ski - any tips?
c) I'm more of a summer sport person. What other sports do you enjoy?

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Again, I don't know how to properly explain this, so I apologize if this doesn't seem to make any sense, but stuff for that "next choice of dialog" just never occurs to me at the time of the conversation. Often times, I'll find myself not being able to come up with something to say to someone, then hours later, I'll randomly replay the conversation in my head and think "Oh, I should have said this!". That happens quite frequently for me, which is frustrating, because I never think of something I should have said until long after the moment has passed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And for what it's worth, the majority of people would answer your comment about the weather with more than "yes it is". And if they do happen to use a conversation stopper like that, then walk away and find someone else to talk with.

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I'll admit, my example was a bit curt, there, but even still, I never feel like I get enough from someone to advance a conversation. For example, right now, it's been pretty hot here, so if I say to someone "Man, it's really hot", they might say something like "I know right? I hate this weather, it's the worst". In other words, they'll say more than they would if they were just trying to blow me off, but they don't leave me with much to push the conversation forward.

Indestructible, I also experienced like you. My friend told me before... this is what she told me... she is my school mate.

"hey, you are very difference from our first sight... when we know each other on the first day, you are quite and do not like to talk... now you are talkative."

actually, until now, I also feel difficult to start a conversation with new people who I know but when i know them, I will become a totally person...
my work allow me to move around and mixed with different personnel, I also encounter the similar scenario...

I'm lucky because I met a friend who told me be confident and treat them as your friend... if you do not take initiative to move, who else will move you...
you need to move yourself by taking a small step...

Indestructible, the conversation no need to complex, just as you mentioned, you do not like to chit chat, so, you need to find a group of friend who do not like to chit chat but have a same hobby... then, all of you will take part in discuss about the effective ways in carry out your activity and so on...

Indestructible, can I know how old are you? and what you currently working for?

life is lifelong learning, I'm still learning to mix more people...

Indestructible, believe on yourself, take a small step, you will slowly gain the confident... it's proven with my own example...

one more tip, do not think about, need to take action and act it out... be confident be strong, you will have different feeling...

you mentioned that you do not know what to talk to... this is because you face the wrong person... when you face the right person [have similar hobby], you automatically will say something or ask something... when you try to think what to say to the wrong person, it's difficult... remember, life no need too complex, be simple and have fun...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Maybe I'm better off breaking down my various social issues to basic levels and working at them one at a time...

As many of you know from my posts in the past, I've never been able to make and have friends, date, or really have any kind of proper social circle.

One thing that's occurred to me is that I just... don't really know how to talk to people. I don't really like "chitchat" (stuff like "The weather outside is x" or "How about that local sports team"), to begin with; just seems like meaningless crap that nobody ACTUALLY cares about, but just uses to fill dead air. Plus, I tend to not have "follow ups" for this kind of thing. For instance, if I say to someone "The weather is nice today, isn't it?", and they say "Yes, it is", I wouldn't know what to say next. Then it would have just been an awkward failed conversation starter just hanging out there.

I can do a little better if someone starts a conversation with me, but I tend to run out of things pretty quickly, so even those usually fall off pretty fast. It's hard to really describe the problem here. I know my inability to converse like a normal person makes me come off as awkward, and I can usually feel the awkwardness when I'm around someone else as I try to think (often unsuccessfully) of something to say to them. It's not that I don't WANT to talk to people, I just... never know what to say. Which is a difficult way to put this problem, because how do you fix it? It's not a matter of "Do this" or "Do that", it's just a matter of me not having anything to say to anybody roughly 75% of the time I'm around people.

Heck, twice in the last week, I've had people say "Why are you so quiet? You need to talk more", and I never really know how to respond to that. I mean, I'm not quiet on purpose, I just... don't know what to say, when to say it, etc. *sigh*

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That is their issue, not yours. ironically, they're the ones who lack social skills.

Also, it is as is. Let others do their own thing.