Tired of having feelings, but also don't want to stop

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05-08-13, 11:07 PM
Indestructible

Tired of having feelings, but also don't want to stop

I really hate the way I am, because I almost never find girls I like and want to date, so when I do, I tend to fall a bit hard for them. I think I find one girl I'm attracted to every five or so years. And when you're as lonely as I am and want to date as badly as I do, that's a pretty frustrating statistic.

I'm still very much hung up on the last girl I liked, last year. It's particularly bad, because she's the absolute best "match" for myself that I've ever found. But she didn't want to date me. It hurt me even more to find out that she dated two other guys (at different times, I mean) that she had little in common with, and both ended up cheating on her. It hurts because I know I would've been good to her, and I really think given our similarities that she and I would've had a lot of fun together. So it really breaks my heart to know that she doesn't find me attractive, but is on board with dating guys that are more sleazy.

The fact that I still know her probably prolongs my pain, but that's out of my hands. It bothers me, too, because she's VERY chummy with the first ex that cheated on her, still. Whether or not she's started seeing this guy again, or whether they just happen to be very friendly with each other, I don't know, and I guess I don't want to know. I know it's none of my business, but it's so hard not to think about "Why him/ them, and not me?". When she started seeing her second ex, she politely asked me to back off (things had gotten a little weird between she and I at the time), and out of respect for her, I did so, and I haven't been actively pursuing her since. Since she split with that ex, she's been a bit nicer to me, but she still seems to prefer spending time with her first ex more than me. Again, I know that's none of my business, but internally, it's just so hard to stop wondering why I can't be the guy she wants to talk to and spend time with anymore.

Unless she and I either become better friends (or, much more unlikely, we start dating), it looks like the next few months are the last months that she's going to have a presence in my life. On one hand, I know that's probably a good thing, because if she's no longer around, that will make it easier for me to not stress myself out over her and who she's with. But being that I still have feelings, I don't want to "never see her again". It kills me inside to know that I finally found the most amazing girl I've ever found, got to spend some time with her, and now she's just going to be gone and I go back to not finding any girls that I'm even half as attracted to as I am to her.

I hate myself for still having feelings for this girl, I really do. I know I shouldn't, and I know I've been attached for much longer than I ever should have been. I'm not proud of that fact. But my inability to find other girls I'm attracted to sort of skews my perception of things, and makes me want to hold on to my feelings for this girl in hopes that things may change with her. It's a very difficult place to be in, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm driving myself crazy and stressing myself out, all over this girl that I can never have. I just don't know what to do. v_v
05-08-13, 11:20 PM
Crissyhee

From what I see, she definitely couldn't feel the chemistry, regardless of how hard she tried. You should be grateful that she's still talking to you than to ignore you completely.
And also from what I see, you need to be less choosy. That's why you can't look for the mrs. Right. You're too choosy. No one is perfect, so just let loose on the qualification, ok. Those kind of things are usually those that are stopping you from finding an amazing girl, which is happening to you now.
Just let her go, let loose of your choosy list and enjoy! Love will come to you when the time is right! :)
06-08-13, 01:12 AM
smackie9

We desire most what we can't have. You are attracted to the ones that don't give their heart to you, that's why you keep failing. If you want to attract a true soul mate you need to change your attitude towards dating. You can't expect to know "the one" unless you get yourself out there meeting and mingling with lots of women. The more social you are the more you increase your chances. I suspect you don't have that much of a social life. If you have a busy life with going out, dating, making new friends, traveling, being involved with different hobbies and interests, you increase your capability to meet someone.
06-08-13, 02:03 AM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crissyhee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And also from what I see, you need to be less choosy. That's why you can't look for the mrs. Right. You're too choosy. No one is perfect, so just let loose on the qualification, ok.

See, though, I don't have a specific "checklist" of all the things a girl HAS to have for me to like her. Whether or not I'm attracted to a girl is based mostly on how she and I interact with each other. I have no problem being friendly to girls, and for the most part, I think they're okay, but I just never find a girl I "click" with enough to make me think "Wow, I'd really like to go on a date with her". I mean, yeah, there are some things I look for and preferences I have, but it's not like I have this list that I have to measure every girl up against. I just either "feel it" or I don't, and for the most part, I don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I suspect you don't have that much of a social life. If you have a busy life with going out, dating, making new friends, traveling, being involved with different hobbies and interests, you increase your capability to meet someone.

Not really, no. :/ When you've spent your entire life being a home body and not really having close friends, it's hard to know how to even have a social life. I don't know the first thing about meeting people, making friends, and keeping friends. I've tried many times in the past, and it just never seems to work out for me. And it seems like whenever people realize I like them, they start pulling away from me and putting distance between us. I'm still not even great at having basic conversations with people, despite having years of experience. I always get the vibe from people that I'm bothering them and that they want me to leave them alone.

As far as hobbies and going out, I have my own little hobbies and interests, but they're all things I do by myself, on my own, and I'm fairly content with that. It's not that I'm "lazy", I just genuinely don't have any particular interests that could get me out in the world meeting people. And aside from commuting between home, work, and classes, I don't even know what's "out there" around me, what's good, what's bad, etc. I wouldn't mind having a more socially active life, but I just don't know how to do that. I was hoping I could start making friends here and there, little by little, and I could go out with them and "follow their lead", and whatnot, but again, making friends isn't something I do too well at.

Even still, I don't think any of this would necessarily get my mind off of this girl. Even if I were meeting people and going places, and whatnot, I think my feelings would still linger, and she'd always be in the back of my mind.
06-08-13, 05:30 AM
smackie9

Having a life gives you self worth and independence....you have co-dependency issues...this is the anchor that keeps you at the bottom. You can't meet someone if you have no life or substance, and no social circle. Women are social creatures, they like going out and socializing, dancing etc. They also like a man to "take the lead" make most of the decisions. I suggest you take some assertive training courses as a start.

You can't hide from life forever or you will be that old guy people only see getting his mail.
06-08-13, 05:31 AM
smackie9

Please look up co-dependency.
07-08-13, 12:05 PM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Having a life gives you self worth and independence....you have co-dependency issues...this is the anchor that keeps you at the bottom.

What am I codependent on, though? It's not like I have anyone or anything to be codependent on. I'm all alone, living in my own little bubble, here. Like I said, I'm pretty "content" with the aspects of my life that don't pertain to socializing and dating. It's my inability to go out and meet people and make friends, and keep friends, that make me sad. For whatever reason, I just can't seem to do it.

Like I said, I WANT to have a more socially active life. I want to have friends, I want to go places and do things with them, I want all of that, but I just don't know how. Not to place blame, but I think it's just how I was raised. Growing up, my mom and dad never had other friends, never went out and did things, never socialized, it was always just sitting at home, aside from going to work or going out for things like grocery shopping. That's all I know how to be, that's all I know how to do. I hate this life, but when I say I don't know how to be different, I'm being very literal. I do what I can, I try to connect with people any way that I can, but I just can't do it, and it frustrates me beyond belief.

I think me being "that old guy people only see getting his mail" is probably my most likely future, and that makes me very sad. But this is the hand I was dealt, and I'm seemingly incapable of changing things for myself.
08-08-13, 12:02 AM
smackie9

Your co-dependancy is the girl. You are lost without her because she gave you a life. Now that you don't have her you have nothing.

You want change, try some therapy for your anxiety. Take assertive training course, and write up a to do list of realistic challenges.
09-08-13, 09:40 PM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your co-dependancy is the girl. You are lost without her because she gave you a life. Now that you don't have her you have nothing.

Well, I mean, the way I see it, I've always had a hard time really imagining myself with someone. Er, I mean, I've always kind of known what I want in a partner, but I just couldn't ever actually "see" it in my mind. That always made me feel a bit hopeless about dating, because all I could do was hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a girl somewhere out there that I'd match up well with and share a mutual attraction with, and that was just too vague and unclear to really motivate me and keep me going. This girl, though, she helped me see something less vague and more clear, and when I knew exactly what I had my sights set on, that REALLY helped me motivate myself and push myself, and strive to be the best I could, because I knew I wanted to be with her, specifically, and not just some vague, blurred image of a girl.

I'm not trying to make it sound like this girl was the center of my world, nor am I saying that I would've treated her as such if we dated. But I've just always felt like I've had no "direction" when it comes to dating, so I never do it, and I just float along aimlessly, never finding girls I connect with. Connecting with this girl gave me a proper "direction", and I REALLY thought I could get where I wanted to go with her. Now that I know I can't, I just feel like I'm back to having no "direction", and that sucks. I hate that feeling of "floating along aimlessly", but that's what I'm back to doing, when it comes to dating and trying to find a girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You want change, try some therapy for your anxiety. Take assertive training course, and write up a to do list of realistic challenges.

Honestly, I don't think I could even afford the amount of therapy it would take to completely straighten me out. I've never heard of assertive training courses, but that sounds odd to me. I'm really not an assertive person, I'm much more passive. As far as a list of changes, I don't even know what's "realistic"; last year, I tried to come up with some realistic goals for myself for making friends and building up a social life, and I tried to start small and progress upwards from there, and I couldn't even get off the ground with those goals, so...
09-08-13, 11:53 PM
smackie9

-Assertive training is usually provided for people in professions who work with the public. My uncle had it when he worked as an orderly at a hospital. It's a confidence builder actually.

-If you just descibed co-dependancy...""without her you have no direction"

-If you don't have money for therapy, you can look for self help books, or watch self help videos on youtube for free. There is pleny of free help on line.....no more excuses.
10-08-13, 12:07 AM
Wakeup

*snipped*. No point, Smackie has this one, nailed.
10-08-13, 11:39 AM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

-If you just descibed co-dependancy...""without her you have no direction"

Eh, I guess. But can't you pretty much say that about anything that gives someone joy? I mean, for example, I've also spent the last several years feeling unhappy about my lack of career prospects. I spent years not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, aimlessly taking classes at a community college, and working a part time job that I absolutely hated. I had no direction in my career, and I was miserable because of it.

Then, earlier this year, I finally found something I wanted to do with my life, I've started receiving a focused education on it, I'm actively exploring opportunities to build up my resume. I'm happy about that, because I finally feel like I'm "going somewhere" with my career, I feel like I'm moving towards something, and I have a pretty clear idea of what that something is.

I just wish I could have that feeling with "dating", too, and for a while last year, with this girl, I DID have that feeling. Much like with career, I spent years "aimlessly" looking for someone to date, and never got anywhere. Then this girl came along, and I was able to focus on something more specific. I really felt like I was moving towards something with her, and that made me want to push myself.

Is that "co-dependency"? Personally, I tend to think I just need something specific to motivate myself with. Not knowing what kind of career I wanted to pursue made me feel aimless and miserable. Not having a girl around that I'm attracted to makes me feel aimless and miserable in the dating world. I hate that aimless feeling, and I just thought last year was finally the time where I'd stop feeling it. And now, after she rejected me, that's exactly where I'm at again, and it sucks. All I can do at this point is hope that maybe, just maybe, there's someone out there that I can feel a mutual attraction with, but honestly, it's getting harder and harder to do that, given the circumstances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

-If you don't have money for therapy, you can look for self help books, or watch self help videos on youtube for free. There is pleny of free help on line.....no more excuses.

Such as? I've looked into some of the books people have recommended in the past, and none really did anything for me.
10-08-13, 12:53 PM
smackie9

You are talking apples to oranges. You will never lose your career direction because it was decision you made. Having a relationship is something totally different. I can see you have spent most of your life making excuses and it has made you closed minded. If you could apply your energy on being positive by not acknowledging the walls or barriers that seem to block your way, you will succeed by leaps and bounds.
10-08-13, 10:35 PM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are talking apples to oranges. You will never lose your career direction because it was decision you made. Having a relationship is something totally different.

I don't see how. I mean, it's not uncommon for people to get "burned" by their career paths only to find themselves having to start over from scratch and pursue something else entirely. Like I said, I work better when I have clear specific goals for myself. I knew for years that my goal was to "have a career", but that got me nowhere because it wasn't specific enough, and that bummed me out. Likewise, I knew that my goal in dating was to "find a girl", but that's similarly too vague to give me any kind of hope or motivation. All I'm really getting at is that this girl gave me a more specific goal, and I loved that, that's what I wanted, that's what I needed. And now that I know she doesn't want to be with me, I'm back to having a less specific goal that's too vague and unclear for me to really feel positive about. My future in the dating world is one big question mark, and I hate that, that makes me very unsettled, and I can't be "positive" about that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can see you have spent most of your life making excuses and it has made you closed minded. If you could apply your energy on being positive by not acknowledging the walls or barriers that seem to block your way, you will succeed by leaps and bounds.

I don't even really understand what that means, in terms of dating/ socializing, etc., though.