Need advice for dating a very shy girl
Hello everyone. Would really appreciate some mature advice on this girl I've been seeing for the past month or so.
First, let me put in some background. I met her through some mutual friends. She is Chinese from China. She is here doing a masters program at the university. I am Chinese myself but I was literally born in Canada and am pretty westernized. She's never had a boyfriend before or even really dated a guy before. To my knowledge, boys in China have shown interest in her but they were always exes of her girlfriends and so she never dated them due to the complications. So in a nutshell, she's really inexperienced with guys. But shy isn't really the word to describe her. When we hang out, she's always talkative and lively. She's very independent and self-sufficient which is one of the things I really like about her. She never complains about her job or her schoolwork. It's more that she's not physically affectionate and not emotionally needy. We've been on a total of 7 dates/outings so far. We always have a good time but it never progresses beyond cuddling on the couch and it's always me who initiates physically. She also doesn't text me very often. The only time she does is if she has something very specific in mind, like a plan for an outing or something.
The only time she initiated was due to the fact she had a little bit too much to drink. Long story short, I made dinner and it was a bit too spicy for her liking and so she drank the wine really quickly on an empty stomach. She's a lightweight drinker so she got intoxicated pretty quickly. She wasn't feeling well so I comforted her and held her and stuff. But it never went anywhere beyond that. I don't take advantage of drunk girls, especially one I'm genuinely interested in.
I've never dated a girl like this. The girls I've dated in the past, we got physical pretty quickly. Like within the first 4 dates. I find western girls or westernized asian girls, if they're not interested in you, they won't go on that 2nd or 3rd date with you. So if you get past the 3rd or 4th date, it means she's attracted to you and things escalate physically pretty quickly. Sometimes they even initiate. So it just makes it a lot easier on me to know where I stand.
This girl and I don't want to describe her as cold because she's a good person. So cold is not the right word. But what I'm concerned about is if she is attracted to me. I never bring it up with her because when we hang out, we have a good time and I kind of don't want to ruin the moment and talk about something serious. Also, I've heard that in China, courtship is usually a much longer process. Couples take longer to hook up. It's the culture and although it's not the case for everyone, usually a girl from a good family standing with good status usually take awhile before becoming an official with a guy.
Combine this with my own insecurities. In relationships in the past, I guess I could be considered "needy" and having the atypical "nice guy" syndrome. The needy part, I'm a lot better in this respect now but this has also made me more cautious. I'm hesitant to show too much affection with girls in fear of appearing too needy. I'm a warm and affectionate guy but due to past hurts, I've also become somewhat colder and more cautious. So this has prevented from escalating further with this girl. When I'm with her, beyond the cuddling, I don't try to do anything else because I don't want to come off as needy and also because given her lack of experience with guys, come on too strong for her.
What I do need to know soon is if she is attracted to me and there is possibility of us moving forward. I don't mind if we go slow but I do need to know she likes me. Here are some points that I believe are in my favor.
1) When I am physical with her, she never recoils. I haven't done anything sexual with her but I've hugged her, held her waist, put my arm around her, put my hand on her thighs, you know, the cuddling sort of stuff. She doesn't initiate but she doesn't recoil either. I'm pretty sure that girls who aren't attracted to a guy won't let him do that.
2) She always says yes to dates/outings or if she can't make it, she suggests alternatives. She has a part-time job which has odd shifts and hours so the fact that she makes time to see me shows there is at least some interest on her part. I'm pretty sure a girl wouldn't make time for a guy she doesn't like.
3) The friends who introduced us. They are fine upstanding people. And I know that they wouldn't introduce someone to me if they didn't think was a good fit or whom they thought would be unsuitable. They aren't the type of people who love doing matchmaking stuff. So the fact that they introduced us shows they put some thought into it.
4) She's very efficient and independent person. I can tell by the way she does things. So that might explain why she doesn't text me out of the blue mundane things. This girl moved here from China by herself with no relatives and few friends so obviously she's very independent emotionally. That might just be her personality. She likes doing things herself and not depending on others.
5) Despite her strong and efficient exterior, I think she might be emotionally sensitive. This is just based on some small pieces of information and no real concrete evidence. It's more of a gut feeling based on the information I know. So it's possible she does like me but doesn't know how to show it? Or she's afraid she might do something wrong and turn me off? I don't know.
6) She offered to pay a few times on our dates so she's not looking for just a meal ticket. Also, based on her character, she definitely isn't a user. I never let her pay because we have huge income disparities. She's still a student and I'm working and I probably make her than her sitting in my office eating lunch than she does working a full day at her job.
So the above are the positive points. Here are the negative or me playing the devil's advocate.
1) It's the summer now and she has no schoolwork and is just working so she may be "bored" and needs someone to take her around and do stuff. She has a few friends here but they're all from newly arrived Chinese from China. Mainly students. She may be looking for someone more "localized" to show her things and expose her to stuff. The real test will come in the Fall when she is back at school and also working part-time. She will be very busy and this will be the true test. If she puts in the effort to see me, it's a sign.
2) I am much older than her. She is 24. And I'm 30. I am also doing well in my career and I make good money. She may just see me as a nice guy who is resourceful but isn't someone she is attracted to physically.
I just don't feel comfortable bringing up the subject with her. I don't see her often due to our conflicting schedules. I see her maybe once a week on average and so when we do hang out, I don't want to ruin it with serious talk. Also we have a good time whenever we hangout so this isn't exactly a "problem" between us yet. But I do see the day coming when this does need to be addressed. And I don't want to know I've wasted all this time courting her when she only sees me as a nice guy and a "good friend" all this time. But then again, a guy and a girl who are good friends don't "cuddle" when they hangout, do they?
Any advice is welcome.
