Super Torn Up About the Break that is only kind of a Break
Dear Internets,
My (ex?) boyfriend and I have known each other for a year, and been together for approximately ten months. When we first met, he had just moved up north from Florida to go to school (where we met). I had been in a relationship for about two years, and he had been with his then girlfriend for about seven. Roughly two weeks or so after we met, his girlfriend (who was still in California) ended things. About a month later, I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. About two months after that, we began dating “officially.”
Five days ago, he told me that he loves me, but he needs a “break” from our relationship, and wants to go back to “dating” each other, with the eventual goal of reunification. He says he believes that he never took the time to heal, to find himself and his equilibrium, after his last relationship ended. (He also says he thinks I did not take enough time after ending things with my ex.) His last relationship was (according to him) unpleasant, and his ex was volatile, and tended to become verbally and emotionally abusive. For example, if he wanted to go to the gym, it became a huge, screaming fight about how he wasn’t spending time with her. He claims he was checked out of the relationship years before it ended, but didn’t have the balls to pull the trigger. He also claims that he still has anxiety from his previous relationship (such as anticipating a gigantic fight if he wants to do something by/for himself), and that he has been taking this anxiety out on me.
He tells me the “cruel irony” is that I am the best girlfriend he has ever had, which in some ways makes things worse, because he’ll do something mean, then feel bad, then get even more anxious.
He proposes taking about four months (until December) to try and get his sense of self back, to heal from the damage caused by his past relationship. He also feels that having our relationship be “unofficial” will take some of the pressure off, and help him to communicate more openly and honestly. He tells me that he has no intention of seeing other people, as that would defeat the purpose of the break, and that, while he can’t tell me what to do, it would “ease [his] burden” if he did not have to worry about me seeing anyone else either. He still wants to talk and see each other. In fact, in the days since the break began, he seems more enthusiastic about calling and seeing me. (We were supposed to spend time together this weekend, but I told him I wasn’t ready to see him just yet, which made him sad and pouty.)
I did ask him straight out about the most obvious red flags: that this is either (1) a “nice” way to slowly break up with me, or (2) a chance for him to pursue someone else that he is interested in. His response was that there was “no reason” why we even had to have this conversation in person if he did not want to preserve our relationship, and that if he wanted to end things he would have just done it over the phone. As I said above, he denied wanting to date or sleep with anyone else, as the reason he wants to take a step back in our relationship is because he is still trying to get his sense of self back after his last one. Also, when I asked him what I should tell people when asked about our relationship, he said that he intends to tell people that we are “dating.”
I am 26, he is 33. Neither one of us has ever been married or had kids.
We have two trips together planned for October (a concert and a weekend away), which he still wants to do.
I love him, and want to marry him, BUT I have also (before this conversation) been finding myself wishing I could go back in time and take things slower at the beginning.
So, my questions are:
1. Should I just save myself the heartache (or, rather, get it over with quicker) and just tell him to go **** himself? I was on the verge of doing this a couple times in the last two days, but do not want to make a hasty decision out of anger.
2. Should I start seeing other people behind his back, and see how things go?
3. I have been thinking of proposing two straight weeks of no contact at all, followed by a conversation about how that made us feel/where things stand now. Is this a good idea? OR
4. Should I just continue being the super-awesome and supportive social worker person that I am, and be there for him, date him, try to have fun, and see what happens?
This is a very difficult and painful situation for me. I apologize for the long post, but it is an unusual situation, and (from what I’ve been reading) the terms of this “break” (and the reasons for it) are not very typical either… Any sincere advice would be most appreciated. Friends and family are great, but an objective viewpoint would be even better.
TL;DR: My boyfriend is asking for a break because we moved into our relationship too quickly after ending things with our respective exes. Prior to him asking, I was thinking along those same lines. Deep down, I want the relationship to work. Not sure if I should bother sticking around to see if this works, or just find myself a cute new guy to take me out on fun dates and my mind off things.
Thanks!
