Torn by Love

Hello,

I will begin by saying that my relationship is a little less than a year old. We have been living together for about 3 months. I can say that from the second or third date that my guy drove me a little nuts but I also fell madly in love with him. He is a very unique and engaging individual with talents beyond measure and a very sincere and loving heart. We have discussed marriage and children and future plans with enthusiasm. There is on this hand a very beautiful love that I treasure deeply.

On the other hand he is an opiate addict, I knew that from the beginning. He does not hide it from anyone not me or his family, he does not steal or lie about it. He works a normal job and has two college degrees. He has chronic pain due to arthritis and has a prescription but it never lasts and he definitely does much more than to just manage the pain. He has no problem paying bills and rent and having extra money, he is functioning at a high level. I have engaged in the behavior also but I don't care for it all that much and like smoking cigarettes I can easily go without, especially if it is not around. Last week we decided to cut it all out. He has to take Suboxone though to manage the withdrawals, since he has been on opiates for nearly ten years. I notice his attitude is more negative and such but its not too big a deal I just know its gonna be hard but I really think it is best for us both. Besides the opiate lower testosterone and have a horrible effect on our sex life which is now kinda awkward and weak, it is horrible because I have never been so attracted to someone in my life.

The problem is that day to day living with him is just bringing me down. With or without drugs he drives me crazy. He has a million habits that rub me the wrong way. It hurts so much because I really do love him and I want to show him that but he does see that I am consistently annoyed with his behavior. It's like we operate in very different realities (which may be totally true) but it is hard to see eye to eye. I have only lived alone once for 6 months prior to moving in with him and before that I was with another boyfriend living together. I just can't shake this nagging feeling that we arent right for eachother and it is making every day tougher and tougher. In so many ways we help, nurture and love eachother and in so many ways we are destructive. It seems that fundamentally we are not in synch but we just love eachother and are attached in deep ways that the thought of ending this seems like a nightmare I cant go through.

I do like who he is, I like his beautiful heart and his curious mind. I fully appreciate his total honesty and high moral values. There are days when I am amazed by this creature I call my lover. Other days I just don't understand him and he annoys me to no end. I am so afraid I will end up sabotaging this relationship because I am not allowing him to be himself, I am accepting. Part of me thinks I have BPD bc I go back and forth (i did this in all my other relationships) and then another part of me feels it is just this relationship and that I have grown and learned and just need time on my own, independence and freedom. Then the thought of that sends me into a panic, a life without my love, my sweet love.

I know that this is a tough dilemma. It could be cut and dry : You are unhappy, leave and suffer for a while, time will heal. or maybe there is something I am missing. I want there to be hope. Every day I try and every day I seem to fail. I try to be positive and loving but that naggy shows itself through disapproval, irritation and distance. It seems like my subconscious tries its best to find fault with anything and no matter how much I want for it to work there are strong forces against it.

If you can see something in the story let me know, if you see a solution or have an insight I will appreciate it greatly. It is my utmost goal in life to be the best light and love to the world that I can and to be kind and have reverence for all living beings. I just want to be at my full potential and I think my relationship or my mind is holding me back, could be both.

Thanks,
Tiri