How do you turn the switch off?
Hello guys, this is my first time posting on this forum, and I have to admit that I am a bit nervous. But I really need some advice on this matter, and I would be appreciated if both men and women answer to my question honestly and simply. Now, if you have time, please read my looooong boring story and let me know what you think! Thank you. :)
First before I start, let me introduce myself a little bit. I am a South Korean guy who moved to the United States for high school and college education. I was 15 when I moved there, and currently I am 22 years old. My parents also lived in the States for a long time, so culturally, I am more American than I am Korean. You might have noticed this already, but English is my second language. I have no problem communicating in English, but I still make few grammar mistakes sometimes. I hope you understand. So there is a girl that I am currently friends with, but I like her very much. In fact I am in love with her. However, I think she just want to stay as friends for time being, and I want to stop having feelings toward her for her sake. How do I turn this special feeling into just platonic friendship? We have a long story, so if you're interested, please read it before you comment. Thank you.
During the first year in college, I met a very special girl who made me feel emotions that I have never felt for any other girl in my life. The funny thing was that I wasn't in love with her the first time I met her. Honestly, I don't remember exactly when I fell for her; it just happened without me even knowing. The problem was that she had a boyfriend at that time. He was abusive and very disrespectful toward her. She and I talked quite often, sometimes even all night. And one night, she told me things about her boyfriend and how he treats her. As a friend, I consoled her, and I made her feel better about herself. I didn't realized this until later, but she had a major low self-esteem issue due to the way her boyfriend treated her. I tried my best to change her mind about herself, but it seemed like my words were only droplets of water against a massive stone.
Now, many girls would have just left a crappy boyfriend like him, but this girl... she didn't. Mainly because she loved him so much, and she is very compassionate. Just like I wanted to help her self-esteem, she wanted to help her boyfriend, and I respected that. At the end of the first semester of our freshmen year, she left our school and transferred to another smaller one which her boyfriend went. Not only that, she moved in with him. Many people called out including myself that it was a bad idea. But as much as she is compassionate for another person, she is also very stubborn haha. Eventually she moved out, and I was devastated; I was already in love with her. Right before she left, I told her that I liked her. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't keep myself quiet anymore. She felt sorry for me, and she hated herself for doing this to me.
Throughout the second semester, I tried my best to get over her. I met some girls, but I couldn't get myself attracted to any of them. I was completely head over heels for a girl who wasn't even there anymore. Then one day, I got a text from her that sometimes she wishes that she was with me instead. My friends told me to just forget her and ignore her texts, but I couldn't do it. I loved her, and I was still her friend, not to mention that she was going through some serious **** thanks to her boyfriend. We kept in touch, and she and I saw each other few times.
During the summer of that same year, they eventually broke up. I was surprised even though I saw it coming from a kilometer away. (Sorry I use metrics :P) Even though I wanted to ask her out right away, I decided to wait so she can heal from the breakup first. What I didn't know until later, was that she had couple of sexual relationship with another guy after the breakup. Even though that shouldn't have bothered me, it did. Eventually my sophomore year started, and she came to visit me. (She never transferred back after the breakup) That day I kinda tried to let her know that I was still interested in pursuing a long relationship with her, and that night we ended up cuddling. The feeling that the girl of my dream was finally in my arms was amazing. That weekend went pretty fast and when she was leaving to go back home, I went in for a kiss...only to be rejected. It was so awkward and I was very ashamed. I felt like I just wrecked a completely good friendship. Later we texted again and she was cool about it... like way too cool about it. I was relieved but also very confused.
Next couple weeks I had some serious thinking to do, because I wasn't going anywhere with her. I looked for a way to get over her to no avail. I finally decided to take the advice that so many of my friends gave me long time ago: to completely forget and ignore her. To this day I regret this move. I shouldn't have done it. It both hurt her severely and myself as well. The night I told her that I couldn't be her friend anymore, she cried, and we had a bitter falling out. Although it was painful, I thought it was necessary and that it was the end.
After few months, I ended up getting a girlfriend. A very nice girl actually. I was happy except that the whole time I was in this illusion that I was in love with her and that I was over with my past. The other girl kept trying to reconnect with me though, and I kept pretending that I didn’t want to, until later when I thought it was “safe” now to be her friend again after all that bull**** I pulled on her. We met once in a restaurant with one of my male friends and few days later, she sent me a text that the reason why she rejected me that day was because she was afraid of hurting me. She told me that she wasn’t entirely sure if she actually liked me, so she didn’t want to rush the conclusion. She seemed very sad that now I was taken and there was no chance for her..
We saw each other again at a party one night, and I am still not so sure how I feel about that night. It was a great night in a sense that I finally kissed her, and a horrible night that I cheated on my girlfriend. My girlfriend at that time eventually found out because I ended up telling her out of guilt and we broke up. She asked me a cliché question of “me or her?” and I chose the girl from the past by hoping that she would be the girl of the present and eventually, of the future.
But no, the universe hates me and there was a huge obstacle in the way: the conscription. Here is the thing: every able South Korean male has to serve in the Republic of Korea Amry for two years, and my time was up. It was about to halt my life for 2 years. Even though we both knew that this was coming at some point, when it was actually there, we had no choice but to put a hold on our relationship. She didn’t want to risk hurting us, and I wasn’t going to let her be lonely for 2 years. It wasn’t that we were afraid of cheating on each other, it was that we weren’t sure where we were going with our lives. And even though I shouldn’t have been interested in knowing her personal life, I was still very nervous about her meeting someone.
One day I heard a rumor about her and another guy while I was under the influence, and we had a huge fight because of me. It was just a rumor, so I was being such an immature idiot. Even after all that however, she promised that she would write letters for me while I was in the Army. I felt very bad. She was always considerate, and I was acting out for my own selfish reason. I was the classic “Screw you for putting me in the friendzone” guy. Not to mention that the whole friendzone is a myth created by us men. I apologized to her for everything I’ve done, and I promised to be a good friend that she truly deserves. And now I am back in Korea. I join the Army in three weeks. We still frequently talk to each other on Facebook, and I am really trying my best just to be her friend. Because that is what she really deserves. And honestly, I need her in my life as much as she needs me in hers. Still though, we sometimes talk about the possibility of getting together and flirt with each other. One night she even told me that she wanted me there and then. Well, the feeling was mutual :)
I am not sure if we can truly be just friends. We constantly miss each other, but the universe is against us right now, and I am afraid of getting hurt. Lots of things can happen within two years. Of course I wouldn’t be meeting any girl, but she will always meet new people. And she is very attractive and compassionate; guys will line up to be her man. I shouldn’t care about whom she meets and whom she might possibly date. But I still do, and I want to stop being jealous for her sake. What should I do? How do I just shut the switch off and just be her friend?
Thank you for reading this long post. I feel bad for making you guys read all this. Your constructive criticisms are welcomed, and I want to thank you in advance for good advice ;)
