should i contact him or leave him alone?

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02-10-13, 08:28 PM
miss.erable

should i contact him or leave him alone?

Hi,
i need some help with my current situation with my (ex)boyfriend.

We started dating about 8 month ago and it started awesome.
we live about 2 hours apart and only see eachother on the weekends so we didnt really get to spend a lot of time together... plus is working hours are a little diffcult.

NOW my problem...
it all started about 3 month ago. i found out that he was texting with other women... and it was not just texting, it was suggestive comments and stuff like that. it hurt really bad. he didnt really know what to say so i left and went home. after 2 days of texting and him calling me one single time (he tried to act like nothing happened) he didnt talk to me about it anymore... then he updated his picture on a website we met on. so i told him that if that is more important than talking to me, i know whats going on. after that we had no contact anymore.
a couple of weeks later i went out with my friends and met a guy. i met him 1 more time after that and we had sex. i thought it would help me over the feeling of not being good enough for my ex boxfriend... but of course it didnt. the guy i met was nice and everything but i was not interested at all, so i didnt have a lot of contact with him after that. he texted every now and then but if i did i only replied very short and not interested - like small talk.

beginning of last month my ex boyfriend all of a sudden started texting me that he misses me and had things sorted out in his life and that we need to talk, that he loves me and so on.... after a couple of days i replied and we talked about everything, he explained that he texted with these women (he didnt meet any of them he said) because he got so use to doing it in the way they did for years that he didnt realize that it was inappropriate while having a relationship. he told me that he deleted them all and is no longger interested in any contact with them and that he realized that he does not want to be without me anymore.
I told him that my bigger problem is that he didnt talk to me for more than a month and he promised that it would not happen again.

After that we met and everything was ok again somehow.... untill yesterday.
While i was sleeping he took my phone and did read my messeges. so he also found the ones that this guy sent me. he texted him and left. i called him in the morning and when he finally answered we talked about it and he said that he understands why it happened but that he is mad about me staying in contact with that guy. we only talked for about 10 min. then i had to go to work and i told him that i would let him know when im back so we could talk.. he said i should not cry worry and think about it too much.
while i was at work we texted a little more about it... i did send him the messeges i wrote the guy (that i dont want any contact anymore and that i should have told him that im seeing my boyfriend again and not just wait for it to resolve it self by a lack of interest). all my boyfriend cared about was the stuff that guy wrote, about still wanting to date me if it doesnt work out with my boyfriend. of course i do understand that he cant easily forget that i had sex with another man while we were not together.
when i came home i texted him that i was at home, after that i called him but he didnt answer the phone... since then he has been online on his whatsapp about a 100 times.... no call no text nothing.

im going crazy.... on one side i want to talk to him but i dont want to call or write again... obviously he doesnt want to talk again. but if he does his disappearing thing again, i cant handle that... i cant comunicate like that or have a relationship like that.... i dont know how much time i "have" to give him to think about it.... i do need help with this please

(sorry that its so much... but i dont know how to explain it shorter)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ANSWERS AND HELP!!!
02-10-13, 09:56 PM
hoho-hoho

hmmm.....men. well, I don't think he is worth the cry for. Really if a man loves you, they will try to do anything to resolve any problems and have long chat and figure out the problem and try harder to work on it. But it is always harder said than done. I personally would do the same as you are doing now as I am also very emotional and act crazy like you when things goes wrong in a relationship. But as I grow older, I do it less intense and shorter time frame. I read some online self help with emotions etc and sometimes it helps. It takes a little while to go through things like this, it is hard. how do you know he has not slept with anyone and honest with you. How do you know, he is 2 hours away from you. What does he do when you are not with him. Do you honestly trust every thing he says to you? I find it hard to believe once a man try to do such things and tell you that it is a habit, it is not right. I don't think he is worth the trouble, you can do better. Never sell yourself low not matter what age you are, try to move on. Talk to as many friends as possible and go out.
03-10-13, 12:27 PM
Raden

Chances are .. if he went through your phone.. its cause he was still texting other girls
and just got smarter about erasing the messages after. Its one of those cheaters always accuse the fidelidade
partner of cheating because it helps the cheater deal with their conscience and trust issues.

What you did while you were single or at least broken up with this guy is really none of his business
and you shattered his world and ego finding out you moved on after the split.

All thats going to come from this now is, if you two get back together.. you're never going to trust
him that he's not texting other women and with the 2 hours of travel separating you two.. hes never going to
trust that your not boning or texting that other dude while hes not around.

This can only lead to misery and more fighting.
03-10-13, 01:08 PM
smackie9

Seriously you believed his excuse that he texted those other girls because it was just an old habit...wow really? and then you let him lay a guilt trip about you being with another guy when you two weren't even together? again really? then he invades your privacy by going through your phone, and goes after you about what this guy texted you. And now you are worried he has left you again? really? Give your head a shake. He's being an asshole plain and simple, and you need to stay away from him. His heart is already tainted so if you get back together all he is going to do is keep punishing you relentlessly.
04-10-13, 02:18 AM
mollymari

I think you've already made your choice.
04-10-13, 02:36 AM
Wakeup

Why are you framing him as the prize when all he is is a control freak who wants to control you even when he isn't your boyfriend, a guy who has cheated on you emotionally and then showed ZERO remorse until a whole bunch of time later when he had no other options.

When he "begged" for you back, you should have framed YOURSELF as the prize since you are the one with all the power at this point. (at least until he proved himself to be worth of a take-back). He's done NOTHING to show you how grateful he is that you'd give him another chance. NOTHING.

Stop giving all your personal power to someone who doesn't even have enough interest in you in a healthy manner to show you that he loves you.

Dump his self-absorbed azz and get on with getting over him and to the stage of indifference to anything about him so that you can find a DECENT man who will treat you like he loves and respects you.

Dude is a douche to the nth degree. Love yourself enough to know when you're being controlled and abused and mistreated so that you can flush turds like him without a second thought.
04-10-13, 07:07 AM
miss.erable

Thx

Thank you for your answers.

I did make a decision.
Yesterday he wrote me a message that he didnt for get about me, but that he does not know "how to proceed from here" ... I texted back that he obviously made his decision anyway and that I will respect that he doesnt want to deal with it and that i just hope that he realizes at some point that he asked me to forgive that he did tell women that he missed having sex with them and being close to them while he was with me and told me that he loved me and now he is willing to give up on us because i replied to messeges from that guy, i didnt write anything emotional, suggestive or even sexual to this person. He texted me and yes i should have told him that im seeing my boyfriend again and that he should stop, but i never cheated or anything.
I guess i dont have to mention that he did not reply to that anymore... But i think its because he knows that im right.

I dont want to waste my time and feelings on a "man" like that anymore.
I just hope that he will respect that too now.
04-10-13, 08:12 AM
Agnus

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss.erable [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I guess i dont have to mention that he did not reply to that anymore... But i think its because he knows that im right.

I dont want to waste my time and feelings on a "man" like that anymore.
I just hope that he will respect that too now.

Personally I would have asked your ex boyfriend why he took your phone when you slept. Personal information theft is E-crime, they say. http://www.e-crimeexpert.com/identity-theft/articles/personal-information
04-10-13, 09:46 AM
Starnique

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why are you framing him as the prize when all he is is a control freak who wants to control you even when he isn't your boyfriend, a guy who has cheated on you emotionally and then showed ZERO remorse until a whole bunch of time later when he had no other options.

When he "begged" for you back, you should have framed YOURSELF as the prize since you are the one with all the power at this point. (at least until he proved himself to be worth of a take-back). He's done NOTHING to show you how grateful he is that you'd give him another chance. NOTHING.

Stop giving all your personal power to someone who doesn't even have enough interest in you in a healthy manner to show you that he loves you.

Dump his self-absorbed azz and get on with getting over him and to the stage of indifference to anything about him so that you can find a DECENT man who will treat you like he loves and respects you.

Dude is a douche to the nth degree. Love yourself enough to know when you're being controlled and abused and mistreated so that you can flush turds like him without a second thought.

Damn. Where was you at when my sorry ass ex was taking me thru BS? =) i would've needed to hear that. Good point miss.
05-10-13, 02:54 AM
mollymari

^^^ Yup, concur completely, and now,, big flush.... Yahoo, moving on Lady, good on you
06-10-13, 02:59 PM
Hamburglar0

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raden [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Chances are .. if he went through your phone.. its cause he was still texting other girls
and just got smarter about erasing the messages after. Its one of those cheaters always accuse the fidelidade
partner of cheating because it helps the cheater deal with their conscience and trust issues.

Quoted because I vehemently disagree with this. To suggest that just because he's accusing YOU of cheating means he's cheating himself is just jumping to conclusions way too quickly.

You could be right, don't get me wrong, but that's the kind of thought process that leads to vicious arguments and mistrust within a relationship. (Not that this particular poster didn't already have those issues, but still.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss.erable [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I did make a decision.
Yesterday he wrote me a message that he didnt for get about me, but that he does not know "how to proceed from here" ... I texted back that he obviously made his decision anyway and that I will respect that he doesnt want to deal with it and that i just hope that he realizes at some point that he asked me to forgive that he did tell women that he missed having sex with them and being close to them while he was with me and told me that he loved me and now he is willing to give up on us because i replied to messeges from that guy, i didnt write anything emotional, suggestive or even sexual to this person. He texted me and yes i should have told him that im seeing my boyfriend again and that he should stop, but i never cheated or anything.
I guess i dont have to mention that he did not reply to that anymore... But i think its because he knows that im right.

I dont want to waste my time and feelings on a "man" like that anymore.
I just hope that he will respect that too now.

Good for you. Like the other posters, I agree that you've made the smart decision here.

Hopefully you're already over him... if not, there's tons of good breakup advice on the web to help you occupy your time and move on. See this list of 8 breakup recovery tasks that you should do to get over a breakup: http://www.exbackguru.org/howtogetoveryourex.php

Or simply Google "how to get over someone" and browse through (trustworthy) advice columns.

Best of luck!
09-10-13, 02:54 PM
miss.erable

@ agnus:
right now i dont really worry about stuff like that... and since i had (and have) nothing to hide i dont even really care about him taking it, but i sure asked him why he did it because i always said that if i would ever get the feeling that i have to check on somebodys phone or other stuff, it would already be a demaged relationship anyway.