Can I forgive my ex after the pain she caused me?
Right,
So i had been going out with this girl, who was the love of my life to be honest when looking back on it. We had been going out for nearly 3 years on and off. We had are problems but managed to get over them in the past. These included people interfering which were both putting both me and her down and was causing arguments. Also from her being put under intense pressure from her mum when she was doing her gcse's, which caused her to get so stressed that she would just have moments where she couldn't take it, and i was the only one she felt she could talk which caused to also get the full force of these breakdowns, in which she would say things she didn't mean and sometimes some quite hurtful things, but me being a caring laid back guy i took it in my stride and that was that, but deep down it did hurt me. Anyway for the last year we dated it was on the whole amazing.
I had some of the best times of my life and really thought that we had been through it all and now we could get through anything. But the last couple of the months of the relationship started to go downhill again. The breakdowns started to become more regular but i was just supporting her and not bothered by it and just made sure we just laughed it of and making sure i was helping her as much as i could. Things like spending some whole days poo picking the fields in which she kept her horses, and doing all of the chores of owning a horse in order for her to focus on her exams, and although it was hard and i did feel run down by this point and felt our relationship become just a same old same old cycle, i struggled on with it clutching on to the hope it would be fine once the gcses had finished. But then one winters morning, i remember it was snowing but that was never stopping me riding my 50 over to see her.
Today was a little different as she was adamant we went for a walk so i was like "okay thats fine" So we started walking through the snowy fields and we stopped at the tree that we liked to chill by and watch the world by. Anyway i stood by the tree and suddenly she started to walk off, so at first i just thought she was going to look at something but she stopped and just lay in the snow, remembering that she didnt have any waterproofs on so as she lay down i went over to her and was "G**** what the hell are you doing?" She just lay there and didn't say anything. I repeated it and repeated it and she said nothing, to at this point i was so pissed i picked her gently and she just went "if you was my best friend you would know." To even this day that phrase haunts me. We then started to argue for two hours in the field slowly progressing back to her stables at this point i was tamping because she was insulting me, throwing everything i had done for her in the past couple of months running up to that in my face. After really going at each other she finally ran off to the stables to which i just froze, moments later i felt the red mist come down on me because of how much she had hurt me. I then started to run so fast because of the anger in me, then i finally caught up to her and then demanded "what the **** is wrong with you today? How do you not realise that i love you with all of my heart and just look back on all of the things i have done for you over the years? What about those lads who were bullying you and supported you through all of that, letting you have a shoulder to cry on, kissing you and cuddling you and telling you i would sort it out if it was the last thing i did. I went over to your school and after showing those lads what i thought of them they never touched you again.
All of those things i choured over for you, the breakdowns i put up with, your mum being a bitch, looking after you." The list was endless i spilled to her. We carried on arguing untill the point i just burst into tears in which she had never seen me cry and then after seeing like i was she told me she was breaking up with me because "look what i have done to you?" I just stormed off, left her at the stables, ran to her house, grabbed my stuff and left to which i found out my bike wouldnt start so i had walk home in the pitch freezing cold night 8 miles home. Yeah that day ****ing sucked. I was destroyed and cried solidly for 4 days. Anyone who says guys dont cry. Yeah, they do.
Only now 5 months on she finally confronted me after she message me for the first time since then to which i played it the tough guy for ages and then only just started to be abit myself again with her after she confronted me at the pub and actually said sorry! I still have feelings for her now but im just so drained from it all, even now, which has caused to not have any drive to go out and talk to girls, kind of because i think i really thought she was the one. Can i forgive for what she did to me? I know she still very much so loves me, and has cried over me to my girl friends and mates at partys about me so i know she misses me like hell, But can i really go out with her again and try to do it all over again after i feel so drained?
Please help it's killing me. PS sorry for the massive essay :sad2:
Matt.
