Can't let go from an unrequited love, but i want to.
Hi, well my name is Hiram and here's my story, i'm really sorry if it is long it's just that it is really complicated for me and i don't know how i can let her go, i want to but it's really hard, but let's go on:
I'm not a shy man at all, i've always had a lot of friends, both male and female, i'm 17 but i have never been skilled with women, in fact, i've never had a grilfriend, i'm cheerful but i'm not attractive. Thing is, about a year ago, i met a girl and i became her friend, not close at all, just the kind of friend that you see around in school and have fun with, and i didn't have feelings for her until about two months before finishing the school year, so i tried to approach her, but i wasn't any good, i was shy, i didn't know what to do, i was with her the whole time and i hestitaded sometimes, until one day, about a month from having feelings for her i told her that i liked her and i wanted to be in a relationship with her, she told me that she really liked me as a friend and she cared about me but that's it, and that right now she wasn't looking for a relationship (paraphrasing a little bit), but i asked her if there was someone else that she was interested in, and she told me that she is also (that word made me believe she considerded me) considering a man that i dont know but lives away, he is a whole life friend of hers and he is older than me, about 20, she said that he is like a brother for her, so i thought i had a chance, being the unexperienced man i was, i thought that "not right now" means "maybe later if you play your cards right", i didn't know it meant no, so i continued to be her friend and continued to hit on her, but after a month and just before leaving school i got tired and we talked, at last she told me that when she said not right now to me she wasn't clear and she knew it, just that she thought that i didnt have feelings for her still, also she told me that she also has feelings for that other man, so i agreed not to hurt myself and hit on her, i wanted to move on, she said that she wanted to remain friends, i told her yes, but i didn't really care that much, given that we were never really close friends, but we knew a lot of things about each other.
What followed is that whe finished the school year and we went on vacation for three months, and we never saw each other but once, (and not even as friends, we had to go and deliver some papers to register again in school and i was hangover from a celebration of my birthday with a bro of mine). During those three months i had a lot of sh*t going on in my life, i was out the whole time with my friends, and i got drunk about 20 times, i even did some drugs, my father was dying (he recovered now), but that didnt stop him from kicking me out of the house (for the second time, i was 14 the first one, because i almost got expelled from my school given my behavior and the fact that i got in a lot of fights, they even tried to send me to a military school) for pursuing my dream to become a music producer and audio engineer, even though i took care of him along with my mother, the latter didn't do anything to defend me, done some things with my band, and i had to look for a way to sustain myself while studying, at least to finish high shool and then figure out what the heck i wanted to do, and i was really sad, though i never thought of suicide, i thought that this world was really messed up, but no matter what, all of my friends were there for me, all of them, except one, except she, the only woman that i ever cared about this much, but we never talked except in messages, and very few(all of them only saying the positive things about my life in the moment, me practicing box and going to the gym, audio courses, stuff with the band and being alright even if i felt like crap), time went on and my fahter recovered, i stayed with them until i could get out of my house, they were sorry, and knew that it was a mistake to treat me that way and to close their doors for me, and they wanted me to stay, but i didn't care and i continued looking for ways to be independent, they even took me to a trip with them to the USA (i´m mexican), but i didn't enjoy it because i was still mad at them, until we came back and i saw one of the most painful scenes of my life, my mom crying on the phone when she heard the news that the DNA tests on a corpse that we believed was my cousin (who disappeared 3 years ago because he left home, his life being so hard) were positive, and he was dead, that made me felt like crap, i was on the same path as him, i was so selfish that i couldn't forgive them even though i was never the son they deserved, that made me feel really bad.
I began school once again, my last year of highschool, i never felt better in my life, i made more friends than never before, got a lot of projects and activities done (boxing, a technical degree in english teaching, band, etc.), didn´t leave home and began to hit on other women (about 8.) that i feel interested in, or at least i thought i felt better, because i continued to drink, get in trouble (i almost got arrested once), do drugs, sell them (once), and skipped a lot of classes (maybe for guilt and not believing that i deserve a better life), everything was going fast, and then i saw her again, it was awesome, i had an attitude like never before, i felt secure and confident and treated her like a friend, even if i didn't see her in all that time, we talked about our vacations, she found out about of all the things that i wrote in the last paragraph, she was surprised, and not in a good way at all, she thought i was the shy insecure man that i was with her, and now, she thought i was a bad boy, from this conclusion she felt she had the right to judge me and she told me that the things i done and continued doing were bad, i only smiled, pat her head and told her i would try to calm down a little bit, this angered her because she felt i only told her what she wanted to hear, she asked me so and i said "yep, basically", i said goodbye to her and continued my day, but in the inside, i felt angry, angry because she didn't have the right to judge me and to feel like she could have said those things when she wasn't there for me like my other friends were, i thought i didn't care and continued to treat her like a friend, believing i felt nothing for her, but time went on and i did, we talked, she tried to convince me to calm down when i got into more trouble (pursuing my dream to be a producer i got involved with a contact of mine in the music business that led me into a dangerous way, but i did't care, even if i could have gotten involved with drug dealers and cartels, given that during this time, i met people and musicians that did so and wanted me to go with them to some gigs on dangerous places, i could have become one of those, working on a musical project that got a little bigger, and not safe at all), and she got involved a little more in my life, and along with the other people there, i became a better man, i quit drinking and doing drugs, i pursued a safer way into music, i began entering classes to pursue a carrer in nursery or medicine(quite weird because i look like a criminal, i'm tall, muscular, chubby, and my hairstyle doesn´t help), and i felt better, but there was a problem, i had feelings for her once again, for being there by my side and helping me convincing myself that i deserve better, also, i started to treat her better and we became closer, she even treated me different, that made me believe i had a chance.
Her birthday came and i wanted to give her something special, so i gave her the recording of a song that i wrote for her a lot of time before, she really liked it and told me that it was beautiful, but we never talked about anything else, days went by, i continued my life, i continued to hit on the other women even though i still cared for her, and then the day of "the stolen kiss" came to my highschool (a not official day but a tradition when you can steal a kiss from your crush, by your own risk of getting slapped or nut kicked), so i playfuly tried to steal one from her, but she pushed me away, and i told her that i wasnt going to do it really, why?, i dont know, but the damage was done, later, a friend of mine talked to me and told me that she talked to her about stupid stuff and then i came out in the conversation, i found out that she didnt quite believe me that i was joking, and began to suspect my attitudes towards her, that upseting her, because she doesn't wante me to do it, given that she still doesn't like me in that way, and then i knew, ok, this is over, it really is now, i have to let her go.
That was about two days ago, and now i don't know what to do, act like nothing happened and remain her friend even though i want to be more than that, quietly walk away and go on without telling her anything, tell her the truth and walk away, or what.
But it is really hard for me, i really like and i care for her, i can't say that i love her because love is something that i have never met in my life, how can i let go of her when she helped me become a better man?, i know im tired of having feelings for her, knowing that she will never see me in that way, even though i changed, how can i?, i know that we come from different worlds, she is like an opposite to me, she is the girl that always have been cute and tender, shure of what she wants, serious, calm, logical, reserved and self-protecting when i've always been the joker, the adventurer, the "though man", the party guy, the carefree and the dreamer, the one who has always been in trouble, even if i don't want to, even if deep down i'm sensible, loyal, tender and empathetic, i know i have to let go, and i want to, because i swore to never lie to her, and to always do what it's best for her and for me, even if that means walking away, the time is now but i do not know how, so please help me if you can guys, i really don't know what to do anymore, as always, i'm in battles i can never win, i don't know if it's honest to remain by her side if i want more, but i think walking away may be a little of a selfish move, i'm sorry if i took to long but i really don't know what to do, and right now it feels like hell, what i'm angry about is that i can be enough of a man to be though, but not enough to let her go, i just want her happiness, and i want to believe i deserve mine, it makes is tougher that i'm going to a concert with her about a month from now, even though i have reasons to believe that she has that somebody else in her life, and i can't stand this feeling, i feel weak because i could never let her go, i feel bad because i will be the one to be alone in this situation, so please help me, what would yo do if you were me?
