Just need some advice on intimacy
Hey guys, I came across this forum and it looks promising. I'm no lost cause, I'm not feeling unloved, I'm simply looking for advice on how to handle a certain issue regarding intimacy in my relationship. So here it goes (promise, I'll keep it short...ish):
I have been dating my girlfriend for 3.5 years this month, we're both 18 and have been dating since the end of our freshman year in high school. We went to separate high schools, and now go to separate colleges (about 1-2 hours apart, so not terrible), so we are used to some kind of distance and we are both in the top schools for our highly demanding majors (her nursing, mine actuarial science). We've always clicked and enjoyed each other, we're very religious, and we're serious (have talked about marriage and plan on it in the post-college future).
So here's my dilemma: intimacy. We are both opposed to pre-marital sex and don't really go past any light touching (neither of us has a problem with this). But recently, in the past 6 months or so, we've escalated to a higher level of physical intimacy. At the most, underwear still on, she usually keeps her shirt on, but bra removed and my hands down her panties. Since we're in college, we only have the chance to be this intimate every 2-3 weeks. The only thing is that a few times now, she's expressed that she feels like we've gotten too sexual. But each time she's addressed it, she says "sometimes it gets too much" or "lately it's been too much", so after finally having a good talk about it I explained to her that it was just my way of showing affection and that I was sorry it it had upset her this much, and that I wanted her to understand if it ever did anything to remotely invoke this kind of upset again, that she should understand where I was coming from but also bring it up with me at once. It's just the way I am; I like to give/please instead of being gifted/pleased.
And here's the kicker. Just this past weekend, we went at it again and to describe it in the least, it was beautiful. Her and I were both into it, and it was great. Later that night I was giving her a massage (and i think this is what set everything off) and I playfully tugged at her jeans (she was on her stomach), and she gave me such a look and I was just taken aback and immediately apologized several times over, and then finished up. After that, before I was about to leave, she began to tear up and explained that she was upset about that whole thing again - getting too sexual. So I told her I knew that I messed up and didn't mean for it to upset her in any way. Once I got home, she texted me saying that when we got into this type of intimacy she felt pushed away and disrespected... and that caught me by surprise, majorly.
From that night forward I've gone cold turkey with that kind of stuff -- I haven't even touched her in an "aggressive way", such as her butt or anything. It's killing me because I want to talk to her and find out explicitly what she'll allow and what she won't allow and how to go about handling these things. I don't mind at all if she wants to tone it back, but she gives me so many mixed signals that I sometimes feel like the victim... She'll be into it, constantly leading on that she basically wants me to act that way, and then makes me feel horrible afterward when she starts saying it's too much or whatever.
This is what I have noticed: as nature would lend, she can almost always get into it, but when she is on her period is when she seems to get upset at this. We've gone one or two times without a problem, and then the second or third time she gets upset (mind you, this isn't every day or every time we see each other...it's every other time maybe and visits are at a minimum every 2 weeks). So I have no idea how to approach this. I plan on talking to her about this, asking her what boundaries we should explicitly set, and how to handle this in the future (on both ends), but can any of you give me advice on this? Am I actually in the grave wrong and don't know it, do I kind of have a handle on this but could do better, or am I actually being disrespected because of her not necessarily thinking of my needs and only hers?
I'm just spitballing here, and I commend you saints for reading all of this. I can't offer a tl;dr, as it's too involved of a situation, so thank you thank you thank you in advance!
